This article written by Contributing Writer Chris Lewis.

Are you the type of person who can argue and disagree with others?  Or, do you let people walk all over you? There are many who avoid confrontation at all costs, while others are more than willing to jump in and argue away.  Some are even uncomfortable disagreeing with their spouse, while others may have a problem challenging any type of authority.

While I tend to not enjoy disagreements, I can disagree with my wife or others if the need arises and I have to get my point across. I am writing today to let all of those people who are deathly afraid of confrontation know that it is OK, and downright American, to disagree with others. The art, though, is in how you disagree.

So to help all of you who, like me, shy away from confrontation, here’s

10 ways to pull off the perfect disagreement:

1. Listen closely to what is being said – You must first and foremost listen and hear what the other person is saying. You may not agree with what is being said, but to make a response you must try and remain calm and listen to the whole argument before responding.

2. Stay away from name-calling – Make the disagreement about the issue not about the person. Calling people names will only anger the other person and close down pathways to communication.

3. Discern the tone of voice that the person is using – Depending on how the person is talking with you, you need to respond in kind. There are many times where the other person is not trying to pick a fight, but instead he is simply trying to make a point of view understood.

4. Address a specific point the other person has raised instead of the entire position – Be specific to the points you are concerned with after hearing their argument. Not only does this keep you focused, but also it allows the person to remain open to your perspectives without completely shutting down and putting up their defenses without hearing your side of the disagreement.

5. Don’t deny the person, deny the perspective they are taking – Focus on the issues being discussed and do not make this about the person. Once you start focusing and attacking the person, the disagreement becomes personal and the barriers that I mentioned earlier will be raised and nothing productive will come out of the conversation.

6. Remain calm – Above all, you must remain calm when you disagree. You need to make sure you have a level head so that you can speak in a way that others will want to listen. Once you become angry, you will likely start to attack the other person and turn the disagreement into a argument.

7. Speak for yourself – When disagreeing always make sure you are speaking for your self and not for the masses. You can only speak for yourself in any situation – try not to bring others into your disagreement.

8. State the facts – Similar to the above point on focusing on one thing instead of an entire perspective, it is important to be clear and succinct about the points you are trying to address. You must be able to stay to the facts in the disagreement. It’s up to the other person to decide whether or not your facts are enough to change a position.

9. Clear the air, don’t attempt to win – Depending on the situation it is always best to talk about the issues that are bubbling under the surface, even if this will start a disagreement between you and your wife or another person. You need to make sure when you disagree or when you bring up these issues that you do not enter into them with the preconceived notion that you will “win” the argument. Instead, go into the situation with the idea that you want to clear the air helps keep disagreements from escalating into arguments.

10. Validate the other perspective – One way to bring someone to a point where they will listen with an open mind is to validate their perspective. This does not mean that you agree with their perspective, but it does mean you understand what they are saying. Think empathy here. By doing this, it lowers defenses and raises awareness of other points of view.

And one bonus one…

11. Agree to disagree / Consider compromise – There are going to be many situations where you will not see eye to eye with another person. In these situations, both people may need to either compromise their own positions or agree to disagree. Agreeing to disagree does not denigrate your position in any way, but it does validate the other person’s position, make them feel respected and help them to not have any hard feelings.

What other things do you do to pull off the perfect disagreement? What tricks or tips can you share with us?

Chris Lewis is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad.  His personal site is Dad of Divas.  You can also follow Chris on Twitter @dadofdivas. Chris is also working on project called The Great Minivan Trade Up – check it out too.

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