Life is full of challenges, and parents teach their kids a lot by how they deal with adversity.  Here is one Dad’s story about How to Deal with Getting Fired:

I work in marketing and advertising.  This means I get fired.  A lot.  Unfortunately, being laid off comes with the territory in this career field.  Over the years, I’ve read many books on transitioning, job-seeking, interviewing and networking, but I have yet to come across any literature that deals with how to gracefully deal with getting canned.

Recently, I lost my job…again…and, once again, I’ve got my name out there in every networking and career site known to man.  According to statistics, I’ll find myself in this position five more times throughout the rest of my career.  Today’s workplace is extremely transient, and most of us will change positions frequently, at least when compared to the Baby Boomer generation.  It’s a sad reality, but nonetheless true.  Millions of Dads have lost their jobs in recent years and have been forced to look for new jobs to support their families.

If you’re like me, you were let go due to financial issues, downsizing or other business-related factors (not performance-related issues).  You did a good job, but the company had to cut back.  It’s disappointing and gut-wrenching, but there are ways to get through it and hold your head high:

1. Collect yourself.  “We have to let you go” is probably the most emotianally-charged statement anyone can make, with the exception of receiving news of the loss of a loved one.  Even if you had a feeling it was coming, your heart will race and you will not be able to think clearly.  TAKE A MOMENT.  There is nothing wrong with asking your superior for a few seconds to compose yourself before you reply.  Terminating someone’s employment isn’t pleasant for anyone, and anyone with common decency will grant this request.  Pausing for a few deep breaths and a sip of coffee immediately after receiving the news will allow your brain to kick back in so that you can handle the rest of the conversation professionally.  Remember, you may need to ask for a reference, so don’t say anything rash.

2. Throw Out Emotion. Once you have processed the blow of being terminated, do your best to approach the remainder of the dialogue with calm integrity, rather than anger or other negative emotions. You will most likely be feeling hurt, angry, frightened and nervous.  “What am I going to tell my wife?  How is this going to affect my family?”  These are all normal questions, and you’ll have time to focus on them later.  Reacting to these emotions may cause you to say things that you wish you hadn’t, and it’s best to keep your cool and try to get something positive from the situation, if possible.

3. Take What You Have Left.  Employers tend to promise things in a termination that, unfortunately, they are not likely to deliver.  A common example of this is “I have some friends in the industry and will give them a call right away. I’m sure we can find you something else.”  Nine times out of ten, while the individual’s intentions may be sincere at the time, once you are out of sight you will be out of mind.  Since you have already calmed yourself, discuss with your superior those TANGIBLE things to which you are entitled.  The amount of your final paycheck, any unpaid vacation or sick leave, 401K options, insurance, any settlement that was pre-negotiated in a termination clause, a written letter of recommendation; these are just a few examples.  Ask specific questions and talk specific dollar amounts, then get them in a signed termination letter on company stationery.  If your boss doesn’t have the figures, patiently explain that you would like to wait in his or her office until you have them.  Remember that as soon as you walk out of that office, it’s back to business as usual for them; you will not have a better opportunity to get the things you’ve earned and will save yourself a great deal of time and effort in having to track it all down later.

4. Get Reference Letters. Four years ago, at the end of a three-hour interview with the employer who recently let me go, I pulled out a reference letter from the president of a previous company.  He read it over, then stated “Wow – This person really liked you.”  I believe that letter got me the job and, subsequently, helped me in negotiating my compensation package.  Assuming you were a valuable member of the organization, it’s only fair to ask for letters of recommendation.   CEO’s, CFO’s and VP’s are great references to have on your resume, and including them in your applications for new positions can give you an extra advantage when a recruiter or HR representative is deciding whom to call in for an interview. Regardless of how uncaring they MAY seem at the moment, your boss is not enjoying this experience either and will likely jump at the chance to do something nice for you.  Ask when THEY are emotional, and you’ll get a better letter; it is my experience that superiors will gush a bit while the iron is still hot.  If they oblige, but say they will do it later, politely thank them and get a firm date on when you can come back and pick it up.  “Thank you Bob. Having a letter of reference from you will help a great deal in future job searches.  I really appreciate it.  Can I follow up with you tomorrow morning and stop by to pick it up?”

5. Hold Your Head High.  Sometimes people are escorted off the premesis immediately by Human Resources, others have a bit more time.  Whatever your situation may be, do everything within your power to maintain integrity.  Don’t hang your head in front of your staff when cleaning out your desk; don’t walk past colleagues and say nothing; smile, shake hands and say goodbye gracefully.  Your co-workers or team members will probably have figured out what happened while you were in the boss’ office, so just be honest with them.  Look them in the eye, briefly explain what happened, shake hands, give hugs and tell them it was terrific working with them.   Be sure to get contact information from anyone who may be able to assist you in your job hunt or that you would like to stay in touch with for professional reasons.  The next day, better to have people saying, “He was a class act and really professional.  This is a big loss for the company.”  If you handle the situation by ignoring everyone, throwing things around and stomping out, then the conversation will more likely be, “MAN that was uncomfortable. I think I heard from Grace in Accounting that he was stealing office supplies!  Oh well, the company is better off without him.”  These people will be called on by prospective employers for references, so leave a good impression in their mind.

6. Take A Day Off. Then, Send A Thank You Letter. This may be a very difficult thing to do, considering you will probably harbor some resentment toward your recently employer, but do it anyway.  Even though your company WILL move on without you, it is to your advantage for them to feel a slight bit of guilt for letting you go, and “killing them with kindness” leaves the door open in case something changes in the future.  Just a paragraph to your company president, supervisor or director of human resources stating that you “understand the business decision that had to be made” and “it was a pleasure working for you and you hope to stay in touch” should be enough to let them know there are no hard feelings.  This will likely lead to a much stronger reference from them in the future.  No matter how angry or frustrated you may be with them, leave ego at the door and do the right thing.  Remember, your family needs you to demonstrate leadership at this time of uncertainty, so don’t burn any bridges. Once you’ve received a glowing reference from your boss and landed that amazing new (and better) job, you’ll be able to look back on the situation with a sense of pride.

How you leave a company is almost as important as how you enter one.  I’ve found that following these steps will help you get what you need and move into the job hunt with a stronger chance of success.  When letting someone go, no one knows how the person sitting across from them will react – don’t be the crazy one that jumps across the desk and gets nothing.  Keep in mind that the company that is “cruelly and unfairly” kicking you out into the street, and the boss towards whom you want to hurl insults with every fiber of your being, will be occupying a very large section of real estate on your resume the very next day.  Don’t negate years and years of hard work and sterling performance on the very last meeting you’ll have there.

Lastly, when you get home from this challenging day, give your wife and kids a big hug and kiss and let them know that everything will be alright.  Things will find a way of working out for the better, and you’ll gain respect for showing strength in the face of adversity.  How you deal with getting fired means a lot to your future; your self-esteem; and, your family.  Get canned like a man!

If you’ve ever dealt with getting fired, please share how you dealt with it.  Any best practices when leaving?  How did you get past the emotions and move on productively?  What did you say to your family?  What did you learn from the situation?  Tell us all about it!

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is The Playpen. You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

Need extra money for a date night? Sign up for Never Blue Ads.

©2010 Discovering Dad. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Implementing the 5 Ways of Being to my role as a father has both challenged and enhanced the relationship I have with my kids.  At times, it would be easier to abandon these principles in favor of an easier path, perhaps something along the lines of Bill Cosby’s comedic assertion that “parents just want peace!”  The problem is peace through pacification or power rarely works, whereas taking the time to apply the 5 Ways of Being through love and accountability always produces a better result in the end.  The most peaceful times I’ve had as a father have been when I found ways to effectively balance love and accountability with my children.

Here are some thoughts on how each of the 5 Ways of Being have helped me as a father:

Being Authentic – Autry describes this as “be who you are…no matter what role you have.”  For me, this means being consistent in my words and actions when I deal with my kids.  It also means showing them who I really am as a person, not just a father.  They see my strengths and imperfections.  I lead by example when it comes to acting the same way at home, work, in a social setting, on the phone or any other interaction with people.  I try to show them that relationships are built on trust, and you have to be genuine and authentic with others (including me) to secure that trust.  As a father, it is important to me that my kids know exactly who I am and what to expect from me.

Being Vulnerable – Autry describes this as “being honest with your feelings…being open with your doubts and fears…and being able to admit mistakes openly.”  Honesty is very important to me, and it is the root of integrity in my mind.  I expect my kids to be honest and respectful to me, and I do my best to demonstrate these behaviors with them as well.  I openly share my pride, joy, excitement, humor, disappointment, sadness, fear and, yes, even anger with my kids every day.  While I may be a little too direct at times, they always know how their behavior makes me feel, and I encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings with me as well.  If I make a mistake, I own up to it (and they remind me to do so!).  I learned this behavior from my father, who is a great man that is never afraid to wear his emotions on his sleeve and honestly share his feelings.

Being Accepting – Autry describes this as “more important than approval…you accept [the validity of others and their ideas]…you accept and embrace disagreement as a human part of the process.”  I’m certain most parents would say they are “accepting” of their children, but it’s more than an obligation to love and protect them.  As a father, I try to encourage my kids to challenge themselves, share their ideas and, at times, respectfully disagree with me (this is a difficult task, I must admit though).  Not only do I accept and love them as my offspring, but also as unique individuals from whom I can learn and connect with on many different levels.  I appreciate who they are and what they are becoming.  And with a teenage daughter and two little toddlers, I have definitely accepted that conflict and disagreement comes with the territory.

Being Present – Autry describes this as “having your whole self available…to bring all your values to bear on the [situation] at hand.”  As a father, I struggle with this one.  There always seems to be a distraction – phones, television, work, to-do lists weighing on my mind, chores, screaming, yelling and what seems like controlled chaos surrounding me at all times.  Giving my entire attention to one of my kids at a time is very difficult for me to do, but I try to make this a priority every day, even if it is only for five minutes each.  I had to set “rules” for myself, in order to establish this discipline and behavior.  Over time, I have been able to improve by establishing some rituals that I do with each child, like going to dinner or a movie with my teenager, wrestling with my 3-year-old each day and snuggling with my 1-year-old for a few minutes before bed each night.  It is very important to me that my kids know how much I love them, and I can’t think of a more important gift to give them than my undivided attention and time.

Being Useful – Autry describes this as “service to others.”  The stereotype of dads is not to serve their children, but I would argue that it should be.  This doesn’t mean doing everything for them.  To the contrary, you don’t serve anyone by enabling them to do nothing for themselves.  As a father, I serve my kids by loving them, teaching them, encouraging them to maximize their potential, removing barriers for their growth, challenging them to overcome obstacles and do new things, and holding them accountable for their actions.  I am a resource to them, whether they like to admit it or not.  I show them how to do things, so that they can do for themselves.  I want them to be strong and independent, but also compassionate and caring of others.  I am most useful to them when I allow them to discover things for themselves or lift them up to shine like the stars they are.

The 5 Ways of Being have helped me to become a much more effective father, and these principles of Servant Leadership have made the journey of “learning what it means to be a good dad” exciting and challenging at the same time.  So, does Servant Leadership apply to fatherhood?  I hope you will agree with me in saying a resounding, “YES!”

Please feel free to share your thoughts on Servant Leadership and how it applies to your role as a father.

Kids need clothes, school supplies, uniforms, food, phones and the list goes on…Earn extra cash – Sign up for Never Blue Ads.

©2010 Discovering Dad. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

One of the best things you can do for your kids is to bring them into the kitchen with you when you’re cooking. The younger the better; it’s never too early to get them interested in cooking.

While it may seem like more work to have your kids helping to prepare a meal, and it often is – particularly when they’re little – in the end you’ll benefit from having a helper, someone who will be self-sufficient, and who might even cook dinner for you once in awhile.

Having kids help with cooking gives them something to do. It allows them to imitate mom or dad.  It provides bonding time, and it teaches them numerous skills that they will be able to draw from their entire life.

One of the best things they’ll learn is how to prepare food at home. This will help them appreciate fresh ingredients and develop a sense of nutritional content. The more they can cook at home, the less likely they’ll be getting take-out or junk food somewhere else. They’ll be in control of their diet and what goes into their bodies.

Obviously they can’t do much when they’re very young. But even a baby can sit nearby and watch, and play with small pots and spoons and measuring cups designated for baby play.

When they’re able to stand close by on a step stool they can be taught how to carefully pour water from measuring cups into a mixing bowl and how to stir. They can take turns hitting the top of a chopper or pressing on a salad spinner.

When my kids were three and four, I’d have them help decorate cookies, knead bread dough and peel oranges. When making pancakes, they could pour the ingredients and do the stirring, and for dinner they could set the table and arrange vegetables on a tray. Anything that doesn’t involve boiling water, sharp instruments or a hot stove is fair game for the little ones. My five-year-old loves to help me sift flour, run the hand mixer and put baking trays in the oven. He also knows how to properly wash vegetables like broccoli, asparagus and peppers. Getting him used to these vegetables increases his interest in them, which is why he doesn’t shy away from eating them at dinner time.

As they get older, they can graduate to things like cracking eggs, measuring ingredients and even making simple sauces over low heat with supervision. All that’s required there is measuring, stirring, and patience.

By the time they’re twelve they should be able to learn basic kitchen knife skills, such as chopping, peeling and dicing (again, with supervision). They can be taught cooking techniques, such as sweating vegetables, braising meats, making dough and boiling pasta. My thirteen-year-old daughter is my official sous chef. When I announce that I’m going to make dinner, she jumps into the kitchen, dons her apron, washes her hands and asks what we’re making and how she can help. I assign her the tasks that are on par with her learning, while I show her some of the more advanced things I’m doing, and why each step is important. She’s successfully made chocolate chip cookies, ratatouille and most recently smoked Salmon sushi. I know that when she’s out on her own, she’s going to be an excellent cook because she’s learned to love cooking.

Kids love to do what their parents are doing, and from a very early age want to help. You can take advantage of that love by bringing them into the kitchen to help. It may require a little more effort on your part, and maybe a lot more cleanup, but in the end you’ll both be glad you did.

So, when your kids ask, “What’s cooking Dad?”  You can say, “I’m glad you asked.  I could use some help!”

Tom Bowns is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is Being Michael’s Daddy. You can also follow Tom on Twitter @michaelsdaddy.

Baby need a new pair of shoes? Sign up for Never Blue Ads.

©2010 Discovering Dad. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

The dawning of a New Year always brings me hope.  And while I’m not one to make resolutions, I do believe in the importance of goals, inspiration and motivation.  To me, it is critical for husbands and fathers to set a positive tone and example for the family, especially during times of uncertainty.

Quotes often help to spark positive thoughts and actions in my life, so I thought I’d share some of my favorites with you:

“Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”  -Lou Holtz

“Smile!  Attitude is contagious!” -Bob Moawad

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” -Herm Albright

“Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that.” -Norman Vincent Peale

“The spirit, the will to win, and the will to excel are the things that endure. These qualities are so much more important than the events that occur.” -Vince Lombardi

“Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad.” -Anne Geddes

“I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.” -Thomas Paine

“Happy the man who, like Ulysses, has made a fine voyage, or has won the Golden Fleece, and then returns, experienced and knowledgeable, to spend the rest of his life among his family!” -Joachim Du Bellay

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” -Jim Valvano

“Start your child’s day with love and encouragement and end the day the same way.” -Zig Ziglar

“My suggestion would be to walk away from the 90% who don’t and join the 10% who do.” -Jim Rohn

“Always give without remembering and always receive without forgetting.” -Brian Tracy

“People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success because they don’t know when to quit. Most men succeed because they are determined to.” -George E. Allen

“Leaders aren’t born, they are made. And they are made just like anything else, through hard work. And that’s the price we’ll have to pay to achieve that goal, or any goal.” -Vince Lombardi

“When a man has done his best, has given his all, and in the process supplied the needs of his family and his society, that man has made a habit of succeeding.” -Mack R. Douglas

“People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.” -John C. Maxwell

“Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.” -Ruth E. Renkel

“What does not kill me makes me stronger.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

“Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.” -Henri Bergson

“It is better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all your life.” -Elizabeth Kenny

“A warrior is never concerned about his fear.” -Carlos Castaneda

“A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.” -Laozi

“Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.” -Reed Markham

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” -Albert Einstein

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before beginning to improve the world.” -Anne Frank

“A man should never neglect his family for business.” -Walt Disney

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” -Teddy Roosevelt

“Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” -Benjamin Franklin

“Courage is being scared to death…and saddling up anyway.” -John Wayne

“Remember there’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.” -Frank Zappa

“Each man is good in the sight of the Great Spirit.” -Sitting Bull

“A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.” -Frank A. Clark

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” -Oprah Winfrey

I hope your New Year is filled with happiness, inspiration, peace and prosperity for the entire family. Remember Dads – it starts with you!

Please feel free to share your favorite New Year’s quote or inspirational message. We all need to find new sources of motivation to be the best husbands, fathers and leaders in life!

Because diapers don’t grow on trees. Sign up for Never Blue Ads.

©2010 Discovering Dad. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Our Founding Fathers, whose imperfections often mirror our own, were outstanding role models for men across the ages.  They were political leaders, philosophers, entrepreneurs, patriots and patriarchs of their families.  Most people recognize their individual accomplishments in the Revolution and founding achievements, but how much do you know about their role as family men, husbands and fathers?

Founding Fathers and the Families

George Washington married the widow Martha Dandridge Custis on January 6, 1759.  He was a noble and gracious stepfather to John Parke Custis and Martha Parke Custis.  He was a great example of a man who welcomed the responsibility of fatherhood, regardless of the fact that the children were not his biological heirs.  Later in life, George and Martha also raised two of their grandchildren.  Washington was the ultimate father of America and an outstanding role model for stepfathers around the world.

John Adams married Abigail Smith on October 25, 1764.  This second president was no second-rate father to his five children – Abigail, John Quincy, Susanna, Charles and Thomas Boylston.  Adams lead his family with the same fair-minded reason and rationale as he did the young country, and as he helped our young developing confederation blossom into a nation so too did he help his children find their way from impetuous youth into prosperous adulthood.  His son John Quincy would follow in his father’s footsteps and become the sixth President of the United States.

Benjamin Franklin began a common-law marriage to Deborah Read on September 1, 1730.  Adding to the diversity of our Founding Fathers, Franklin was father to then deemed illegitimate son William.  In spite of the private challenges placed on this prominent family, Franklin never let it get in the way of raising his son to be a leader.  Unfortunately, the Revolution tore this father and son apart, as William remained a loyalist.  Franklin, though, served as mentor and guardian to grandson William Temple throughout the majority of his youth.

Thomas Jefferson married Martha Wayles Skelton in 1772.  The had five children – Martha, Jane, Mary, Lucy and Lucy Elizabeth.  After the birth of Lucy Elizabeth, Jefferson’s wife Martha unfortunately died.  He never remarried, and so he was an early example of a man who achieved amazing success in his career while balancing the responsibilities of being a single father, at least on the surface.  It is widely accepted that Jefferson took Sally Hemmings, enslaved to his family and believed to be half-sister to his late wife, as his companion for the next 40 years.  He fathered six more children with Hemmings, making Jefferson father to one of the largest families among the Founding Fathers.

John Jay married Sarah Livingston in 1774.  This lesser known Founding Father held more posts in more countries than any of his compatriots, and he fathered six children Peter, Susan, Maria, Ann, William and Sarah Louisa born in a variety of countries from America to Spain to France.  While Jay raised his children to have a worldly view, they went on to follow their father in patriotic zeal and commitment to the furtherance of his Republican ideals.  Jay remained close to his children throughout his life, and he was an excellent example of a committed father of both America and his family.

James Madison married Dolley Payne Todd on September 15, 1794, and much the same as Washington, James Madison took on the role of stepfather to a son John Payne.  Madison called young John by the name of “Payne,” but he never acted like being a stepfather was a pain or burden to his prominent political life in early America.  Madison was known as a dutiful and indulgent father, and he remained close to Payne throughout his life.  Even though Payne was known as an irresponsible young adult, Madison sought to provide every opportunity for the boy to prosper in his career and life. Madison tried to impart values, propreity and integrity to Payne, but in the end after Dolley’s death, the spoiled son squandered the family fortune.

Alexander Hamilton married Elizabeth Schuyler on December 14, 1780.  An orphaned and illegitimate son himself, Hamilton vowed to ensure that his 10 children knew their famous father and were provided love and security throughout his life.  Unfortunately, Hamilton’s eldest son Philip died in a duel on the banks of the Hudson River in 1801, which was a sad and prescient precursor to Hamilton’s own death in a duel with Aaron Burr in that same spot three years later on July 11, 1804.  His wife and children lost their father on July 12, 1804, just eight days after the celebration of the birth of the great nation that he helped found.

The Founding Fathers of America represented a diverse mix of traditional and non-traditional husbands and fathers.  Many of them celebrated the birth of a new and great nation alongside their sons and daughters, while some became patriarchs of their own families after shepherding our young country through Revolution and independence.

On July 4, 2009, my family and I will celebrate the birth of America, and I will also give homage to those great Founding Fathers who gave me and my children unprecedented freedom and opportunity.

Happy Birthday America!  Happy 4th of July!

Because diapers don’t grow on trees. Sign up for Never Blue Ads.

©2010 Discovering Dad. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.