Life is full of challenges, and parents teach their kids a lot by how they deal with adversity.  Here is one Dad’s story about How to Deal with Getting Fired:

I work in marketing and advertising.  This means I get fired.  A lot.  Unfortunately, being laid off comes with the territory in this career field.  Over the years, I’ve read many books on transitioning, job-seeking, interviewing and networking, but I have yet to come across any literature that deals with how to gracefully deal with getting canned.

Recently, I lost my job…again…and, once again, I’ve got my name out there in every networking and career site known to man.  According to statistics, I’ll find myself in this position five more times throughout the rest of my career.  Today’s workplace is extremely transient, and most of us will change positions frequently, at least when compared to the Baby Boomer generation.  It’s a sad reality, but nonetheless true.  Millions of Dads have lost their jobs in recent years and have been forced to look for new jobs to support their families.

If you’re like me, you were let go due to financial issues, downsizing or other business-related factors (not performance-related issues).  You did a good job, but the company had to cut back.  It’s disappointing and gut-wrenching, but there are ways to get through it and hold your head high:

1. Collect yourself.  “We have to let you go” is probably the most emotianally-charged statement anyone can make, with the exception of receiving news of the loss of a loved one.  Even if you had a feeling it was coming, your heart will race and you will not be able to think clearly.  TAKE A MOMENT.  There is nothing wrong with asking your superior for a few seconds to compose yourself before you reply.  Terminating someone’s employment isn’t pleasant for anyone, and anyone with common decency will grant this request.  Pausing for a few deep breaths and a sip of coffee immediately after receiving the news will allow your brain to kick back in so that you can handle the rest of the conversation professionally.  Remember, you may need to ask for a reference, so don’t say anything rash.

2. Throw Out Emotion. Once you have processed the blow of being terminated, do your best to approach the remainder of the dialogue with calm integrity, rather than anger or other negative emotions. You will most likely be feeling hurt, angry, frightened and nervous.  “What am I going to tell my wife?  How is this going to affect my family?”  These are all normal questions, and you’ll have time to focus on them later.  Reacting to these emotions may cause you to say things that you wish you hadn’t, and it’s best to keep your cool and try to get something positive from the situation, if possible.

3. Take What You Have Left.  Employers tend to promise things in a termination that, unfortunately, they are not likely to deliver.  A common example of this is “I have some friends in the industry and will give them a call right away. I’m sure we can find you something else.”  Nine times out of ten, while the individual’s intentions may be sincere at the time, once you are out of sight you will be out of mind.  Since you have already calmed yourself, discuss with your superior those TANGIBLE things to which you are entitled.  The amount of your final paycheck, any unpaid vacation or sick leave, 401K options, insurance, any settlement that was pre-negotiated in a termination clause, a written letter of recommendation; these are just a few examples.  Ask specific questions and talk specific dollar amounts, then get them in a signed termination letter on company stationery.  If your boss doesn’t have the figures, patiently explain that you would like to wait in his or her office until you have them.  Remember that as soon as you walk out of that office, it’s back to business as usual for them; you will not have a better opportunity to get the things you’ve earned and will save yourself a great deal of time and effort in having to track it all down later.

4. Get Reference Letters. Four years ago, at the end of a three-hour interview with the employer who recently let me go, I pulled out a reference letter from the president of a previous company.  He read it over, then stated “Wow – This person really liked you.”  I believe that letter got me the job and, subsequently, helped me in negotiating my compensation package.  Assuming you were a valuable member of the organization, it’s only fair to ask for letters of recommendation.   CEO’s, CFO’s and VP’s are great references to have on your resume, and including them in your applications for new positions can give you an extra advantage when a recruiter or HR representative is deciding whom to call in for an interview. Regardless of how uncaring they MAY seem at the moment, your boss is not enjoying this experience either and will likely jump at the chance to do something nice for you.  Ask when THEY are emotional, and you’ll get a better letter; it is my experience that superiors will gush a bit while the iron is still hot.  If they oblige, but say they will do it later, politely thank them and get a firm date on when you can come back and pick it up.  “Thank you Bob. Having a letter of reference from you will help a great deal in future job searches.  I really appreciate it.  Can I follow up with you tomorrow morning and stop by to pick it up?”

5. Hold Your Head High.  Sometimes people are escorted off the premesis immediately by Human Resources, others have a bit more time.  Whatever your situation may be, do everything within your power to maintain integrity.  Don’t hang your head in front of your staff when cleaning out your desk; don’t walk past colleagues and say nothing; smile, shake hands and say goodbye gracefully.  Your co-workers or team members will probably have figured out what happened while you were in the boss’ office, so just be honest with them.  Look them in the eye, briefly explain what happened, shake hands, give hugs and tell them it was terrific working with them.   Be sure to get contact information from anyone who may be able to assist you in your job hunt or that you would like to stay in touch with for professional reasons.  The next day, better to have people saying, “He was a class act and really professional.  This is a big loss for the company.”  If you handle the situation by ignoring everyone, throwing things around and stomping out, then the conversation will more likely be, “MAN that was uncomfortable. I think I heard from Grace in Accounting that he was stealing office supplies!  Oh well, the company is better off without him.”  These people will be called on by prospective employers for references, so leave a good impression in their mind.

6. Take A Day Off. Then, Send A Thank You Letter. This may be a very difficult thing to do, considering you will probably harbor some resentment toward your recently employer, but do it anyway.  Even though your company WILL move on without you, it is to your advantage for them to feel a slight bit of guilt for letting you go, and “killing them with kindness” leaves the door open in case something changes in the future.  Just a paragraph to your company president, supervisor or director of human resources stating that you “understand the business decision that had to be made” and “it was a pleasure working for you and you hope to stay in touch” should be enough to let them know there are no hard feelings.  This will likely lead to a much stronger reference from them in the future.  No matter how angry or frustrated you may be with them, leave ego at the door and do the right thing.  Remember, your family needs you to demonstrate leadership at this time of uncertainty, so don’t burn any bridges. Once you’ve received a glowing reference from your boss and landed that amazing new (and better) job, you’ll be able to look back on the situation with a sense of pride.

How you leave a company is almost as important as how you enter one.  I’ve found that following these steps will help you get what you need and move into the job hunt with a stronger chance of success.  When letting someone go, no one knows how the person sitting across from them will react – don’t be the crazy one that jumps across the desk and gets nothing.  Keep in mind that the company that is “cruelly and unfairly” kicking you out into the street, and the boss towards whom you want to hurl insults with every fiber of your being, will be occupying a very large section of real estate on your resume the very next day.  Don’t negate years and years of hard work and sterling performance on the very last meeting you’ll have there.

Lastly, when you get home from this challenging day, give your wife and kids a big hug and kiss and let them know that everything will be alright.  Things will find a way of working out for the better, and you’ll gain respect for showing strength in the face of adversity.  How you deal with getting fired means a lot to your future; your self-esteem; and, your family.  Get canned like a man!

If you’ve ever dealt with getting fired, please share how you dealt with it.  Any best practices when leaving?  How did you get past the emotions and move on productively?  What did you say to your family?  What did you learn from the situation?  Tell us all about it!

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is The Playpen. You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

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I know men who think that because they work hard all week they deserve to rest, relax and do things that are fun for them on the weekend.  Trust me, I work hard for 60+ hours at my job every week, and I like to enjoy my weekends with the family.  I could not imagine sitting around the house doing “my thing” while my wife cleaned.  We both work, and we both deserve time off on the weekend.

If your home is your castle, then I have a hard time understanding why your Queen is also the maid!  Doesn’t seem right to me.  When you don’t contribute, not only are you not showing respect to your wife, but you’re also losing respect from her in the process.

Think about it guys – you want your wife to be loving, supportive, sophisticated, and, dare I say, sexy.  Why would she want to exhibit these behaviors with you when you treat her like a servant?  She won’t!  I would be willing to bet that housework is second only to taking care of the kids when it comes to the slow decline of a sensual marriage into a practical quagmire.

The latest video clip from the Evolution of Dad project by fellow dad and filmmaker Dana Glazer gives some insight as to why some Dads may still be living in the past and holding onto this antiquated belief system.  Take a look:

In my house, everyone contributes to keeping it clean – my wife, my kids and, yes, me.  We divide up the responsibilities, and we work together to keep the house in good order.  We all take pride and ownership in our home.  It isn’t “woman’s work,” it’s teamwork!

So, are there really men out there that still avoid doing housework?  If so, I challenge you to think about what it would do for your marriage, your children, your home and your own self-esteem to change your ways.  I clean the heck out of our house, and I know my wife appreciates it.

Please share your thoughts.

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Our Founding Fathers, whose imperfections often mirror our own, were outstanding role models for men across the ages.  They were political leaders, philosophers, entrepreneurs, patriots and patriarchs of their families.  Most people recognize their individual accomplishments in the Revolution and founding achievements, but how much do you know about their role as family men, husbands and fathers?

Founding Fathers and the Families

George Washington married the widow Martha Dandridge Custis on January 6, 1759.  He was a noble and gracious stepfather to John Parke Custis and Martha Parke Custis.  He was a great example of a man who welcomed the responsibility of fatherhood, regardless of the fact that the children were not his biological heirs.  Later in life, George and Martha also raised two of their grandchildren.  Washington was the ultimate father of America and an outstanding role model for stepfathers around the world.

John Adams married Abigail Smith on October 25, 1764.  This second president was no second-rate father to his five children – Abigail, John Quincy, Susanna, Charles and Thomas Boylston.  Adams lead his family with the same fair-minded reason and rationale as he did the young country, and as he helped our young developing confederation blossom into a nation so too did he help his children find their way from impetuous youth into prosperous adulthood.  His son John Quincy would follow in his father’s footsteps and become the sixth President of the United States.

Benjamin Franklin began a common-law marriage to Deborah Read on September 1, 1730.  Adding to the diversity of our Founding Fathers, Franklin was father to then deemed illegitimate son William.  In spite of the private challenges placed on this prominent family, Franklin never let it get in the way of raising his son to be a leader.  Unfortunately, the Revolution tore this father and son apart, as William remained a loyalist.  Franklin, though, served as mentor and guardian to grandson William Temple throughout the majority of his youth.

Thomas Jefferson married Martha Wayles Skelton in 1772.  The had five children – Martha, Jane, Mary, Lucy and Lucy Elizabeth.  After the birth of Lucy Elizabeth, Jefferson’s wife Martha unfortunately died.  He never remarried, and so he was an early example of a man who achieved amazing success in his career while balancing the responsibilities of being a single father, at least on the surface.  It is widely accepted that Jefferson took Sally Hemmings, enslaved to his family and believed to be half-sister to his late wife, as his companion for the next 40 years.  He fathered six more children with Hemmings, making Jefferson father to one of the largest families among the Founding Fathers.

John Jay married Sarah Livingston in 1774.  This lesser known Founding Father held more posts in more countries than any of his compatriots, and he fathered six children Peter, Susan, Maria, Ann, William and Sarah Louisa born in a variety of countries from America to Spain to France.  While Jay raised his children to have a worldly view, they went on to follow their father in patriotic zeal and commitment to the furtherance of his Republican ideals.  Jay remained close to his children throughout his life, and he was an excellent example of a committed father of both America and his family.

James Madison married Dolley Payne Todd on September 15, 1794, and much the same as Washington, James Madison took on the role of stepfather to a son John Payne.  Madison called young John by the name of “Payne,” but he never acted like being a stepfather was a pain or burden to his prominent political life in early America.  Madison was known as a dutiful and indulgent father, and he remained close to Payne throughout his life.  Even though Payne was known as an irresponsible young adult, Madison sought to provide every opportunity for the boy to prosper in his career and life. Madison tried to impart values, propreity and integrity to Payne, but in the end after Dolley’s death, the spoiled son squandered the family fortune.

Alexander Hamilton married Elizabeth Schuyler on December 14, 1780.  An orphaned and illegitimate son himself, Hamilton vowed to ensure that his 10 children knew their famous father and were provided love and security throughout his life.  Unfortunately, Hamilton’s eldest son Philip died in a duel on the banks of the Hudson River in 1801, which was a sad and prescient precursor to Hamilton’s own death in a duel with Aaron Burr in that same spot three years later on July 11, 1804.  His wife and children lost their father on July 12, 1804, just eight days after the celebration of the birth of the great nation that he helped found.

The Founding Fathers of America represented a diverse mix of traditional and non-traditional husbands and fathers.  Many of them celebrated the birth of a new and great nation alongside their sons and daughters, while some became patriarchs of their own families after shepherding our young country through Revolution and independence.

On July 4, 2009, my family and I will celebrate the birth of America, and I will also give homage to those great Founding Fathers who gave me and my children unprecedented freedom and opportunity.

Happy Birthday America!  Happy 4th of July!

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Have you ever noticed how easy it is for many women to make friends of other women? Most seem to be innately tuned into the social steps necessary to establish and maintain relationships. Men on the other hand, not so much.

I, for one, can honestly say it is not easy for me to develop friendships with other men. I don’t understand the proper male bonding etiquette, topics of discussion and how to get past that initial awkward moment of meeting. Do I enjoy sports, sure, but do I watch all sports, not on your life, especially with two toddlers running around. So when I start a discussion and other guys start talking about trades between teams, the RBI of this player, the number of sacks in a previous game or who scored the winning goal last night, I sometimes find myself simply nodding and hoping I am affirming in the right spots.  I don’t like this uncomfortable game of just “playing along” though.  It makes me wonder if these men are involved in their kids/family life at all – how do they find the time to watch sports and spend time with the kids?

This is the same when it comes to other male past times. My father was not a do-it-yourselfer. He was more of a hire-it-out kind of guy, and I tend to follow in his footsteps for better or worse. Over the years, I have learned to be slightly more handy than my dad, mostly because my father-in-law is one of those guys who can build, fish, fix cars and repair most things around the house.  I try and learn through osmosis from him, but when someone brings this up as a topic of conversation, I am at a loss for words once again.

So, My question for all of you guys is, how do you do it? We just recently moved back to Michigan from being outside of the State for three years. We moved to a new area where we have never lived, and though I have friends in other parts of the State, I don’t have any guy friends and my wife and I haven’t been able to make many couple friends either.

I can think of a few ideas to meet people where I won’t feel completely at a loss: Join a church group, sports league, singing group, or take up an adult pastime, but I’m not sure I have the time.  Again, what are some things that you do to make new man friends?  And once you do make a new friend, how do you maintain that friendship?

For me, it is making calls, dropping emails or Facebook messages, getting together for a drink or having a cook out.

I believe it is very important to remember that not only are you a husband and father, but also a human being who needs to have real adult friendships.  The problem with men, though, is that this is not second nature to us like it is for our wives.

So, what do you do to make friends like a man?  I look forward to your thoughts on the matter!

Chris Lewis is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad.  His personal site is Dad of Divas.  You can also follow Chris on Twitter @dadofdivas. Chris is also working on project called The Great Minivan Trade Up – check it out too.

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I’m almost thirty-seven.  I’m a man, and I’m a husband and father.

I find myself thinking very frequently what these things mean, not only in my own life but also in life in general.  It makes me think about things like pressure, responsibility and duty.

I’ve been blogging now for over a year. It has been a journey, to say the least. I’ve made many great friends, shared more of my personal life than I ever meant to, and learned a lot about myself along the way.

I’m kind of a traditional dude. I live in Los Angeles and, admittedly, do some things I bet much of the country would consider to be less than manly. I have been known to bleach my teeth; I know how to eat an artichoke; and, I have no problem telling another guy that I love him. I detest Sarah Palin, and I think taxes should be raised to a point where I don’t feel guilty about sending my daughter to a private school ever again.

At the end of the day, I’m still what I THINK most would consider a “man’s man.” I believe, for better or worse, there is such a thing as a man’s role AND a woman’s role in marriage* and parenting.  The details may differ from couple to couple, but the core expectations remain unchanged.

As a man, I feel a lot of pressure to do certain things for my family.

Things are tough right now. You read it in the paper, hear it on the radio and see it on people’s faces. How many of you guys out there are getting more and more used to coming home every day to your family’s expectant faces, only to tell them that nothing changed today and that you are all still in the same boat you were in yesterday?

The truth is we are all pretty much happy to hang onto the status quo, rather than improving things as we wanted in the past.  If you’re like me, the current state of affairs in the world and at home can weigh pretty heavily on the brain. Five years ago, I had a blossoming 401K, a college fund for my daughter, a brand new back yard and a Lexus.  Now, I am hanging on for dear life and trying to scrape together enough cash for a trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s once every few months. It has been a serious blow to the ego, and it’s hard not to feel like a failure.

Jeremy’s site has been an inspiration to me since the day I stumbled upon it, and since I learned of it I have always tried to hold its core Mission Statement close to my heart: “Learning What it means to be a good dad.”

For me, in the last couple of years, that definition has changed. Two years ago, being a good dad meant growing the empire, planning stellar family vacations and buying my daughter every toy and puzzle her heart desired. It was about providing for my family financially and GIVING them everything I could possibly give.  Now, it’s more about survival and less about spending – my life is not about THINGS any more, whether I wanted it to be or not…it just isn’t.

Trash me all you want, but I believe that a man (husband and father) has a traditional responsibility within a family unit, regardless of how progressive we or society has become. I will also go out on a limb and suggest that many women would agree, for the most part.

Mothers, wives, women still look to their mates, to their MEN, for inspiration, direction and leadership. They look to them to assure them that everything will be OK and that, although faced with uncertain times, their family will end up OK on the other side of the current stress or financial nightmare. It was much easier when life was less narrow to pony up a dozen roses or a new moon bounce for your kid to make everything seem OK, but what really matters is what you do when times are tough.

A man provides strength under pressure, calm in the midst of a storm and security for the present and future.

Listen, dudes. We are all in trouble. If you are anything like me you are no stranger to lying awake in bed at night worried about the mortgage or the car payment…wondering if you have what it takes to get these people that you love through to the this low point. These are the times you learn what you’re made of – if you’re able to rise to the challenge. It’s probably been a while, but you’ve done it in the past.  When you tried out for football or baseball in high school. When you went up against the most popular dude in class for the lead role in the school play. When you sat down, after cramming for 72 hours for the SAT’s, to prove that you actually were smart enough to get into college.  And, let’s not forget the moments you realized your life was about to change when you got married and had your first child.  This is PRESSURE, and our life experiences should have prepared us to face it and come out ahead.

Whether you like it or not you are a man – husband and/or father – and, if you’re reading this on Discovering Dad, then you’re probably a good one. Times have changed and the pressure is on. Let your family know you’ve got it under control. If you don’t have it under control, let them think you do and get it under control as soon as you possibly can. There’s no other way to say it than Man Up and make something good happen for your family – they need you more than ever, right now.

What are you doing to deal with the current economic pressures on your family?  How are you providing strength and security?  Rember the saying, “If not you, who?  If not now, when?”  You are the man and your family needs you now! Please leave a comment about what you are doing to make everything alright for your family.

*I voted NO on prop 8, in case you were wondering.

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is The Playpen. You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

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