Our Founding Fathers, whose imperfections often mirror our own, were outstanding role models for men across the ages.  They were political leaders, philosophers, entrepreneurs, patriots and patriarchs of their families.  Most people recognize their individual accomplishments in the Revolution and founding achievements, but how much do you know about their role as family men, husbands and fathers?

Founding Fathers and the Families

George Washington married the widow Martha Dandridge Custis on January 6, 1759.  He was a noble and gracious stepfather to John Parke Custis and Martha Parke Custis.  He was a great example of a man who welcomed the responsibility of fatherhood, regardless of the fact that the children were not his biological heirs.  Later in life, George and Martha also raised two of their grandchildren.  Washington was the ultimate father of America and an outstanding role model for stepfathers around the world.

John Adams married Abigail Smith on October 25, 1764.  This second president was no second-rate father to his five children – Abigail, John Quincy, Susanna, Charles and Thomas Boylston.  Adams lead his family with the same fair-minded reason and rationale as he did the young country, and as he helped our young developing confederation blossom into a nation so too did he help his children find their way from impetuous youth into prosperous adulthood.  His son John Quincy would follow in his father’s footsteps and become the sixth President of the United States.

Benjamin Franklin began a common-law marriage to Deborah Read on September 1, 1730.  Adding to the diversity of our Founding Fathers, Franklin was father to then deemed illegitimate son William.  In spite of the private challenges placed on this prominent family, Franklin never let it get in the way of raising his son to be a leader.  Unfortunately, the Revolution tore this father and son apart, as William remained a loyalist.  Franklin, though, served as mentor and guardian to grandson William Temple throughout the majority of his youth.

Thomas Jefferson married Martha Wayles Skelton in 1772.  The had five children – Martha, Jane, Mary, Lucy and Lucy Elizabeth.  After the birth of Lucy Elizabeth, Jefferson’s wife Martha unfortunately died.  He never remarried, and so he was an early example of a man who achieved amazing success in his career while balancing the responsibilities of being a single father, at least on the surface.  It is widely accepted that Jefferson took Sally Hemmings, enslaved to his family and believed to be half-sister to his late wife, as his companion for the next 40 years.  He fathered six more children with Hemmings, making Jefferson father to one of the largest families among the Founding Fathers.

John Jay married Sarah Livingston in 1774.  This lesser known Founding Father held more posts in more countries than any of his compatriots, and he fathered six children Peter, Susan, Maria, Ann, William and Sarah Louisa born in a variety of countries from America to Spain to France.  While Jay raised his children to have a worldly view, they went on to follow their father in patriotic zeal and commitment to the furtherance of his Republican ideals.  Jay remained close to his children throughout his life, and he was an excellent example of a committed father of both America and his family.

James Madison married Dolley Payne Todd on September 15, 1794, and much the same as Washington, James Madison took on the role of stepfather to a son John Payne.  Madison called young John by the name of “Payne,” but he never acted like being a stepfather was a pain or burden to his prominent political life in early America.  Madison was known as a dutiful and indulgent father, and he remained close to Payne throughout his life.  Even though Payne was known as an irresponsible young adult, Madison sought to provide every opportunity for the boy to prosper in his career and life. Madison tried to impart values, propreity and integrity to Payne, but in the end after Dolley’s death, the spoiled son squandered the family fortune.

Alexander Hamilton married Elizabeth Schuyler on December 14, 1780.  An orphaned and illegitimate son himself, Hamilton vowed to ensure that his 10 children knew their famous father and were provided love and security throughout his life.  Unfortunately, Hamilton’s eldest son Philip died in a duel on the banks of the Hudson River in 1801, which was a sad and prescient precursor to Hamilton’s own death in a duel with Aaron Burr in that same spot three years later on July 11, 1804.  His wife and children lost their father on July 12, 1804, just eight days after the celebration of the birth of the great nation that he helped found.

The Founding Fathers of America represented a diverse mix of traditional and non-traditional husbands and fathers.  Many of them celebrated the birth of a new and great nation alongside their sons and daughters, while some became patriarchs of their own families after shepherding our young country through Revolution and independence.

On July 4, 2009, my family and I will celebrate the birth of America, and I will also give homage to those great Founding Fathers who gave me and my children unprecedented freedom and opportunity.

Happy Birthday America!  Happy 4th of July!

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I usually sprinkle my posts with apologies and disclaimers designed to absolve myself of horrible wrongdoings and complete obliteration of everything that can be remotely considered good parenting. But this time I actually know what I’m talking about.  I make mistakes when parenting.

This particular post, while wrapped loosely around being a dad with a daughter, is more about being a husband who learned how to strengthen my relationship with my wife by finally getting over my insecurities of raising a girl and making some real parenting decisions on my own.

As a man in what I would consider to be the traditional male role in the household, I had a tendency to not only question every decision I made regarding the care of my daughter, but to depend on my wife to provide all of the answers. In doing this, while I thought I was simply minimizing error and doing things correctly by asking questions, I was actually creating a burden for my wife and behaving like a second child.

It took me a good year to figure out that, when she left the house to have her nails done, she didn’t necessarily want to answer three phone calls asking, “Where are the Spaghettios?” or “Is she supposed to have this little soft spot on top of her head?” or “She just threw up.  What outfit should I put her in now?”  I got my “escape” at the office all day, and she needed hers once in a while, too. I was not allowing her any space because I was afraid to make decisions with my daughter.

One day, I had an epiphany. My wife was running errands, and I was standing in the kitchen. My daughter was crying manically from hunger and I was staring, flummoxed, at a package of lean ground beef, a half-eaten Chunky and a can of condensed milk on the counter.  One hand was scratching my head, the other clutching the phone tightly, ready to dial my wife.  Suddenly, a calm fell over me and I thought to myself, “What am I doing? I’m a thirty-something man and all of a sudden I can’t figure out how to prepare a meal? When did this happen?” I lived on my own for years. I can wash and fold laundry, I can cook, I even (shh…don’t tell my wife) know how to clean. Why was I being so dependent?

From that day on I stopped calling. I realized that, even if I get it wrong, its better to give my wife a break and deal with the consequences later. The thing is, there usually aren’t any consequences. The very thing I was concerned about, my wife coming home and suffering a conniption upon finding my daughter wearing pajama shorts, a Dodgers hat and floaties, ended up not happening at all. In fact, she actually seemed more cheerful and appreciative of being able to spend time away free from interruption than she would have been had I asked her which outfit to put on.

The art of making decisions is an important one to learn. As guys, we manage to get ourselves dressed, fed and off to work each and every day. Doing so for a little one is no different. The important thing is just to be confident in your own personal style of parenting and make decisions. Even if you screw it up, your wife will appreciate that she doesn’t have to treat you like a child as well.

Thanks for listening. I’m off to go prepare chicken nuggets with french fries, hash browns and a side of mashed potatoes – it may not be the best meal, but at least I know how to cook it without asking for any help!

Do you rely on your wife to make all decisions about your daughter?  What did it take for you to learn the art of making decisions with your daughter?  Please share your successes and mistakes.

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is The Playpen. You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

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This article written by Contributing Writer Tom Bowns.

Just last week I learned a little more about being a good husband.

I had just completed a DIY recessed lighting project for our family room and had scheduled a visit from the county inspector to sign it off. On the day the inspector was to drop in, my wife was visibly stressed out, hurriedly tidying up one room after another.

While I calmly arranged my project permit papers on the clipboard and did a few last checks of the wiring, my wife began scrubbing dishes. I stopped what I was doing and asked what the trouble was.

“What’s the matter?” I asked, finally.

“That inspector is coming, and I don’t want the house to look like a pigsty,” she said, tensely, never breaking her concentration.

“Oh, that,” I said, relieved. “Honey, it’s okay. He’s a guy. He’s not here to look at the house, just the wiring. He won’t care about a little mess.”

Then, she gave me a real eye-opener. In a semi-serious sort of pouting tone, she said “Don’t dismiss me.”

“What?” I asked, clueless.

“You’re dismissing my feelings. You’re making it sound like what I care about doesn’t matter.” She didn’t whine, lecture or manipulate. She just delivered it straight out, in a way that kept me from being defensive.

I had to think about it. What is it she cares about? She cares about how her home looks. She’s told me this before. She’s made it clear that to her, our home’s appearance is a direct reflection on her and how well she takes care of it.

“I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t think about that,” I said. “How can I help?”

She smiled and told me what she’d like to see cleaned up first, and we got right on it.

It was a simple thing; a very small issue to explain and resolve – but at the same time, it was a very big thing to her. It meant all the world for her to know that I take her needs seriously, and that this is one of them. And it helped us grow just a bit closer together.

I was reminded that it’s not always about us guys, even if the situation might seem like it is.  Have you ever overlooked your wife’s feelings?  Missed the signals?  What did you do to recover?

Tom Bowns is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is Being Michael’s Daddy. You can also follow Tom on Twitter @michaelsdaddy.

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I’m almost thirty-seven.  I’m a man, and I’m a husband and father.

I find myself thinking very frequently what these things mean, not only in my own life but also in life in general.  It makes me think about things like pressure, responsibility and duty.

I’ve been blogging now for over a year. It has been a journey, to say the least. I’ve made many great friends, shared more of my personal life than I ever meant to, and learned a lot about myself along the way.

I’m kind of a traditional dude. I live in Los Angeles and, admittedly, do some things I bet much of the country would consider to be less than manly. I have been known to bleach my teeth; I know how to eat an artichoke; and, I have no problem telling another guy that I love him. I detest Sarah Palin, and I think taxes should be raised to a point where I don’t feel guilty about sending my daughter to a private school ever again.

At the end of the day, I’m still what I THINK most would consider a “man’s man.” I believe, for better or worse, there is such a thing as a man’s role AND a woman’s role in marriage* and parenting.  The details may differ from couple to couple, but the core expectations remain unchanged.

As a man, I feel a lot of pressure to do certain things for my family.

Things are tough right now. You read it in the paper, hear it on the radio and see it on people’s faces. How many of you guys out there are getting more and more used to coming home every day to your family’s expectant faces, only to tell them that nothing changed today and that you are all still in the same boat you were in yesterday?

The truth is we are all pretty much happy to hang onto the status quo, rather than improving things as we wanted in the past.  If you’re like me, the current state of affairs in the world and at home can weigh pretty heavily on the brain. Five years ago, I had a blossoming 401K, a college fund for my daughter, a brand new back yard and a Lexus.  Now, I am hanging on for dear life and trying to scrape together enough cash for a trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s once every few months. It has been a serious blow to the ego, and it’s hard not to feel like a failure.

Jeremy’s site has been an inspiration to me since the day I stumbled upon it, and since I learned of it I have always tried to hold its core Mission Statement close to my heart: “Learning What it means to be a good dad.”

For me, in the last couple of years, that definition has changed. Two years ago, being a good dad meant growing the empire, planning stellar family vacations and buying my daughter every toy and puzzle her heart desired. It was about providing for my family financially and GIVING them everything I could possibly give.  Now, it’s more about survival and less about spending – my life is not about THINGS any more, whether I wanted it to be or not…it just isn’t.

Trash me all you want, but I believe that a man (husband and father) has a traditional responsibility within a family unit, regardless of how progressive we or society has become. I will also go out on a limb and suggest that many women would agree, for the most part.

Mothers, wives, women still look to their mates, to their MEN, for inspiration, direction and leadership. They look to them to assure them that everything will be OK and that, although faced with uncertain times, their family will end up OK on the other side of the current stress or financial nightmare. It was much easier when life was less narrow to pony up a dozen roses or a new moon bounce for your kid to make everything seem OK, but what really matters is what you do when times are tough.

A man provides strength under pressure, calm in the midst of a storm and security for the present and future.

Listen, dudes. We are all in trouble. If you are anything like me you are no stranger to lying awake in bed at night worried about the mortgage or the car payment…wondering if you have what it takes to get these people that you love through to the this low point. These are the times you learn what you’re made of – if you’re able to rise to the challenge. It’s probably been a while, but you’ve done it in the past.  When you tried out for football or baseball in high school. When you went up against the most popular dude in class for the lead role in the school play. When you sat down, after cramming for 72 hours for the SAT’s, to prove that you actually were smart enough to get into college.  And, let’s not forget the moments you realized your life was about to change when you got married and had your first child.  This is PRESSURE, and our life experiences should have prepared us to face it and come out ahead.

Whether you like it or not you are a man – husband and/or father – and, if you’re reading this on Discovering Dad, then you’re probably a good one. Times have changed and the pressure is on. Let your family know you’ve got it under control. If you don’t have it under control, let them think you do and get it under control as soon as you possibly can. There’s no other way to say it than Man Up and make something good happen for your family – they need you more than ever, right now.

What are you doing to deal with the current economic pressures on your family?  How are you providing strength and security?  Rember the saying, “If not you, who?  If not now, when?”  You are the man and your family needs you now! Please leave a comment about what you are doing to make everything alright for your family.

*I voted NO on prop 8, in case you were wondering.

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is The Playpen. You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

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I was overwhelmed with the amazing responses people shared about the article What Kind Of Dad Did You Have? So many people came forward, not just to comment, but to share real and personal experiences that they had with their own fathers. The relationships I have with my father has deteriorated to the point of non-existence, and reading some of your comments made me feel much better and more comfortable, for lack of a better term, with my situation.  You helped strengthen my resolve to be a different kind of dad to my daughter – Thank You!

So I decided to follow it up with a sequel and focus on the most obvious topic. Moms. I have gotten to know many moms through blogging and real life, but you don’t get to hear much in cyberspace from grown men talking about about our moms.

Looking back on my childhood, I was a daddy’s boy. I remember sports, carnival rides, BBQ’s, Wiffle Ball and back yard games. Of course my mom was there throughout it all, but I must have been taking cues from my dad during that time. It wasn’t until my teenage years that I began to consider my mom as the primary parent of influence in my life, and I’m thankful that she was such a good influence on me.

My mom was a terrific lady, and she remains the same today. I don’t tell her “thanks” enough. I got all of my artistic and musical abilities from her. I was encouraged to actually pursue art as a profession by her. She taught me to cook, bake, create…all the fun mom stuff. Most importantly to me, and I am guessing to my wife, I learned how to treat women with respect.

There were some rocky times when my parents were going through their divorce during which I turned to my mom more than my dad. She never waivered in her unwillingness to blame him or to put us between the two of them. She displayed a very strong character throughout the ordeal and, as a result, I began to gravitate towards her as the parent I would learn from from then on.

During those years, I became more sensitive. Seeing my mom upset from time to time about the divorce taught me how fragile a woman can be, and seeing her angry taught me how strong their will is too. She would never allow me to let a door swing shut on a woman or treat girls with any form of disrespect whatsoever.

I remember a specific instance, during the time that my grandmother was passing away in the hospital, when a young nurse came in. Probably all of 26. She was well-intentioned enough, but she kept referring to my grandmother as “hon” and “sweetie.” When she left, my mother quietly told me how she expected me to respect grandmothers and great-grandmothers, and to never condescend to them by using nicknames.

Its possible that my mom was trying to instill all the values in me that she had wished my father would have possessed, but it didn’t really matter. She was right. I see a flash of red every time I hear a guy make fun of or belittle his girlfriend or wife in public, and it bothers me when I hear about guys forgetting their wives birthday.

I have my mom to thank for all that. If she had chosen to be defeated by the circumstances in her life, or chosen not to constantly remind me how important it was to treat women with respect and class, then I probably would not have the family I have today. I am very lucky in that respect, and I owe it all to her.

I love my mom very much, and if she happens to read this article, well…I’d just like to say….”Thanks Mom!”

How does/did your mom influence your life? What traits or characteristics, if any, do you have her to thank for?

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad.  His personal site is The Playpen.  You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

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