Discovering Dad » Parenting

Discovering Dad Blog Carnival – February 2010

Jeremy — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 20:54:36 +0000

Welcome to the February 2010 edition of Discovering Dad Blog Carnival.

The Discovering Dad Blog Carnival is a monthly carnival that includes fun and informative posts about unique experiences, perspectives and challenges of being a dad. It also includes posts that talk about the impact of dads on the lives of children, spouses and family members, as well as some general parenting posts of interest.

Darryl Lepik presents Maximum Living and the Urge to Fly… posted at For Dads Only.

J.R. Reed presents My Daughter, The Drama Queen and My Mom and Kotex posted at Sex and the Single Dad.

Kevin Heath presents You Know You’re a Parent When… posted at More4kids.

Baily Hayden presents 9 Blogs About Childrearing Worth Reading posted at Masters in Elementary Education, saying, “Heard about the little girl who told her friend: “I’m never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download.” Well, it may be a joke but the fact of the matter is that because of nuclear families young parents are not blessed with the company of grandmas to give them invaluable tips on child care and child rearing.”

Suzane Smith presents 40 Truly Amazing Facts About Babies posted at Online Nurse Practitioner Schools.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of Discovering Dad Blog Carnival using our carnival submission form. Submission deadlines are the 28th of every month.

If you’d like to stay updated on new articles at Discovering Dad, please Subscribe to My Feed.

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How to Deal with Getting Fired

Jeremy — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:16:08 +0000

This article written by Contributing Writer Matt Pfingsten.

Life is full of challenges, and parents teach their kids a lot by how they deal with adversity. Here is one Dad’s story about How to Deal with Getting Fired:

I work in marketing and advertising. This means I get fired. A lot. Unfortunately, being laid off comes with the territory in this career field. Over the years, I’ve read many books on transitioning, job-seeking, interviewing and networking, but I have yet to come across any literature that deals with how to gracefully deal with getting canned.

Recently, I lost my job…again…and, once again, I’ve got my name out there in every networking and career site known to man. According to statistics, I’ll find myself in this position five more times throughout the rest of my career. Today’s workplace is extremely transient, and most of us will change positions frequently, at least when compared to the Baby Boomer generation. It’s a sad reality, but nonetheless true. Millions of Dads have lost their jobs in recent years and have been forced to look for new jobs to support their families.

If you’re like me, you were let go due to financial issues, downsizing or other business-related factors (not performance-related issues). You did a good job, but the company had to cut back. It’s disappointing and gut-wrenching, but there are ways to get through it and hold your head high:

1. Collect yourself. “We have to let you go” is probably the most emotianally-charged statement anyone can make, with the exception of receiving news of the loss of a loved one. Even if you had a feeling it was coming, your heart will race and you will not be able to think clearly. TAKE A MOMENT. There is nothing wrong with asking your superior for a few seconds to compose yourself before you reply. Terminating someone’s employment isn’t pleasant for anyone, and anyone with common decency will grant this request. Pausing for a few deep breaths and a sip of coffee immediately after receiving the news will allow your brain to kick back in so that you can handle the rest of the conversation professionally. Remember, you may need to ask for a reference, so don’t say anything rash.

2. Throw Out Emotion. Once you have processed the blow of being terminated, do your best to approach the remainder of the dialogue with calm integrity, rather than anger or other negative emotions. You will most likely be feeling hurt, angry, frightened and nervous. “What am I going to tell my wife? How is this going to affect my family?” These are all normal questions, and you’ll have time to focus on them later. Reacting to these emotions may cause you to say things that you wish you hadn’t, and it’s best to keep your cool and try to get something positive from the situation, if possible.

3. Take What You Have Left. Employers tend to promise things in a termination that, unfortunately, they are not likely to deliver. A common example of this is “I have some friends in the industry and will give them a call right away. I’m sure we can find you something else.” Nine times out of ten, while the individual’s intentions may be sincere at the time, once you are out of sight you will be out of mind. Since you have already calmed yourself, discuss with your superior those TANGIBLE things to which you are entitled. The amount of your final paycheck, any unpaid vacation or sick leave, 401K options, insurance, any settlement that was pre-negotiated in a termination clause, a written letter of recommendation; these are just a few examples. Ask specific questions and talk specific dollar amounts, then get them in a signed termination letter on company stationery. If your boss doesn’t have the figures, patiently explain that you would like to wait in his or her office until you have them. Remember that as soon as you walk out of that office, it’s back to business as usual for them; you will not have a better opportunity to get the things you’ve earned and will save yourself a great deal of time and effort in having to track it all down later.

4. Get Reference Letters. Four years ago, at the end of a three-hour interview with the employer who recently let me go, I pulled out a reference letter from the president of a previous company. He read it over, then stated “Wow – This person really liked you.” I believe that letter got me the job and, subsequently, helped me in negotiating my compensation package. Assuming you were a valuable member of the organization, it’s only fair to ask for letters of recommendation. CEO’s, CFO’s and VP’s are great references to have on your resume, and including them in your applications for new positions can give you an extra advantage when a recruiter or HR representative is deciding whom to call in for an interview. Regardless of how uncaring they MAY seem at the moment, your boss is not enjoying this experience either and will likely jump at the chance to do something nice for you. Ask when THEY are emotional, and you’ll get a better letter; it is my experience that superiors will gush a bit while the iron is still hot. If they oblige, but say they will do it later, politely thank them and get a firm date on when you can come back and pick it up. “Thank you Bob. Having a letter of reference from you will help a great deal in future job searches. I really appreciate it. Can I follow up with you tomorrow morning and stop by to pick it up?”

5. Hold Your Head High. Sometimes people are escorted off the premesis immediately by Human Resources, others have a bit more time. Whatever your situation may be, do everything within your power to maintain integrity. Don’t hang your head in front of your staff when cleaning out your desk; don’t walk past colleagues and say nothing; smile, shake hands and say goodbye gracefully. Your co-workers or team members will probably have figured out what happened while you were in the boss’ office, so just be honest with them. Look them in the eye, briefly explain what happened, shake hands, give hugs and tell them it was terrific working with them. Be sure to get contact information from anyone who may be able to assist you in your job hunt or that you would like to stay in touch with for professional reasons. The next day, better to have people saying, “He was a class act and really professional. This is a big loss for the company.” If you handle the situation by ignoring everyone, throwing things around and stomping out, then the conversation will more likely be, “MAN that was uncomfortable. I think I heard from Grace in Accounting that he was stealing office supplies! Oh well, the company is better off without him.” These people will be called on by prospective employers for references, so leave a good impression in their mind.

6. Take A Day Off. Then, Send A Thank You Letter. This may be a very difficult thing to do, considering you will probably harbor some resentment toward your recently employer, but do it anyway. Even though your company WILL move on without you, it is to your advantage for them to feel a slight bit of guilt for letting you go, and “killing them with kindness” leaves the door open in case something changes in the future. Just a paragraph to your company president, supervisor or director of human resources stating that you “understand the business decision that had to be made” and “it was a pleasure working for you and you hope to stay in touch” should be enough to let them know there are no hard feelings. This will likely lead to a much stronger reference from them in the future. No matter how angry or frustrated you may be with them, leave ego at the door and do the right thing. Remember, your family needs you to demonstrate leadership at this time of uncertainty, so don’t burn any bridges. Once you’ve received a glowing reference from your boss and landed that amazing new (and better) job, you’ll be able to look back on the situation with a sense of pride.

How you leave a company is almost as important as how you enter one. I’ve found that following these steps will help you get what you need and move into the job hunt with a stronger chance of success. When letting someone go, no one knows how the person sitting across from them will react – don’t be the crazy one that jumps across the desk and gets nothing. Keep in mind that the company that is “cruelly and unfairly” kicking you out into the street, and the boss towards whom you want to hurl insults with every fiber of your being, will be occupying a very large section of real estate on your resume the very next day. Don’t negate years and years of hard work and sterling performance on the very last meeting you’ll have there.

Lastly, when you get home from this challenging day, give your wife and kids a big hug and kiss and let them know that everything will be alright. Things will find a way of working out for the better, and you’ll gain respect for showing strength in the face of adversity. How you deal with getting fired means a lot to your future; your self-esteem; and, your family. Get canned like a man!

If you’ve ever dealt with getting fired, please share how you dealt with it. Any best practices when leaving? How did you get past the emotions and move on productively? What did you say to your family? What did you learn from the situation? Tell us all about it!

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is The Playpen. You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

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Servant Leadership and Fatherhood

Jeremy — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 21:40:29 +0000

I first read the book The Servant Leader by James A. Autry five years ago, and it had a profound impact on both my professional and personal life. It caused me to think about whether or not I really understood my purpose, mission and values. It made me question how effective I was in my roles as husband, father and leader. The book describes 5 Ways of Being – Authentic, Vulnerable, Accepting, Present and Useful – and these principles have helped me discover many things on the journey of “learning what it means to be a good dad.”

Implementing the 5 Ways of Being to my role as a father has both challenged and enhanced the relationship I have with my kids. At times, it would be easier to abandon these principles in favor of an easier path, perhaps something along the lines of Bill Cosby’s comedic assertion that “parents just want peace!” The problem is peace through pacification or power rarely works, whereas taking the time to apply the 5 Ways of Being through love and accountability always produces a better result in the end. The most peaceful times I’ve had as a father have been when I found ways to effectively balance love and accountability with my children.

Here are some thoughts on how each of the 5 Ways of Being have helped me as a father:

Being Authentic – Autry describes this as “be who you are…no matter what role you have.” For me, this means being consistent in my words and actions when I deal with my kids. It also means showing them who I really am as a person, not just a father. They see my strengths and imperfections. I lead by example when it comes to acting the same way at home, work, in a social setting, on the phone or any other interaction with people. I try to show them that relationships are built on trust, and you have to be genuine and authentic with others (including me) to secure that trust. As a father, it is important to me that my kids know exactly who I am and what to expect from me.

Being Vulnerable – Autry describes this as “being honest with your feelings…being open with your doubts and fears…and being able to admit mistakes openly.” Honesty is very important to me, and it is the root of integrity in my mind. I expect my kids to be honest and respectful to me, and I do my best to demonstrate these behaviors with them as well. I openly share my pride, joy, excitement, humor, disappointment, sadness, fear and, yes, even anger with my kids every day. While I may be a little too direct at times, they always know how their behavior makes me feel, and I encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings with me as well. If I make a mistake, I own up to it (and they remind me to do so!). I learned this behavior from my father, who is a great man that is never afraid to wear his emotions on his sleeve and honestly share his feelings.

Being Accepting – Autry describes this as “more important than approval…you accept [the validity of others and their ideas]…you accept and embrace disagreement as a human part of the process.” I’m certain most parents would say they are “accepting” of their children, but it’s more than an obligation to love and protect them. As a father, I try to encourage my kids to challenge themselves, share their ideas and, at times, respectfully disagree with me (this is a difficult task, I must admit though). Not only do I accept and love them as my offspring, but also as unique individuals from whom I can learn and connect with on many different levels. I appreciate who they are and what they are becoming. And with a teenage daughter and two little toddlers, I have definitely accepted that conflict and disagreement comes with the territory.

Being Present – Autry describes this as “having your whole self available…to bring all your values to bear on the [situation] at hand.” As a father, I struggle with this one. There always seems to be a distraction – phones, television, work, to-do lists weighing on my mind, chores, screaming, yelling and what seems like controlled chaos surrounding me at all times. Giving my entire attention to one of my kids at a time is very difficult for me to do, but I try to make this a priority every day, even if it is only for five minutes each. I had to set “rules” for myself, in order to establish this discipline and behavior. Over time, I have been able to improve by establishing some rituals that I do with each child, like going to dinner or a movie with my teenager, wrestling with my 3-year-old each day and snuggling with my 1-year-old for a few minutes before bed each night. It is very important to me that my kids know how much I love them, and I can’t think of a more important gift to give them than my undivided attention and time.

Being Useful – Autry describes this as “service to others.” The stereotype of dads is not to serve their children, but I would argue that it should be. This doesn’t mean doing everything for them. To the contrary, you don’t serve anyone by enabling them to do nothing for themselves. As a father, I serve my kids by loving them, teaching them, encouraging them to maximize their potential, removing barriers for their growth, challenging them to overcome obstacles and do new things, and holding them accountable for their actions. I am a resource to them, whether they like to admit it or not. I show them how to do things, so that they can do for themselves. I want them to be strong and independent, but also compassionate and caring of others. I am most useful to them when I allow them to discover things for themselves or lift them up to shine like the stars they are.

The 5 Ways of Being have helped me to become a much more effective father, and these principles of Servant Leadership have made the journey of “learning what it means to be a good dad” exciting and challenging at the same time. So, does Servant Leadership apply to fatherhood? I hope you will agree with me in saying a resounding, “YES!”

Please feel free to share your thoughts on Servant Leadership and how it applies to your role as a father.

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Discovering Dad Blog Carnival – January 2010

Jeremy — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 18:58:46 +0000

Welcome to the January 2010 edition of Discovering Dad Blog Carnival.

Steven Bush presents The Good Men Project: Real Stories From the Front Lines of Modern Manhood posted at Book Dads: Fathers That Read!, saying, “The Good Men Project: honest and compelling true stories by men writing about being Fathers, Sons, Husbands, and Workers.”

Darryl Lepik presents The Diapers and the Damage Done… and The Continental Divide… posted at For Dads Only.

freefrombroke presents Being A Dad Means Playing The Fool posted at Parenting Family Money, saying, “Yeah, being a dad for me means acting the fool day after day. That’s ok, I love it!”

Dad of Divas presents Surviving Your Child’s Surgery posted at Dad of Divas.

OM presents How to Make Sure Your Son Grows Up to Think Inside the Box posted at A Blogger and a Father.

Mary Jones presents 10 Great Articles to Teach Your Kids About Strangers posted at Online Degree.

Luke Spencer presents How To Adjust A Cabinet Hinge posted at That old house, saying, “Hey Dads! this is how you fix a cabinet door/hinge.”

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of Discovering Dad Blog Carnival using our carnival submission form. Submission deadlines are the 28th of every month.

If you’d like to stay updated on new articles at Discovering Dad, please Subscribe to My Feed.

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Discovering Dad Blog Carnival – December 2009

Jeremy — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 14:09:03 +0000

Welcome to the December 2009 edition of Discovering Dad Blog Carnival.

Jacquelyn presents Disliking Your Children posted at WParent.com – Wise Parenting Guide, saying, “There will be days when you do not like your children and wish that they are not around. Is this kind of feeling perfectly normal?”

Dan presents A Truly Priceless Gift for Your Child – DIY 1st Year Baby Video posted at My Dad Blog, saying, “This article outlines how to create a priceless gift for your children and family that will pay dividends for years – a DIY family video.”

Patrick Coyne presents A Child’s Experience With Communicating to Loved Ones Who Have Passed On posted at Self Development and Financial Development, saying, “From a dad’s perspective”

steven germain presents Let Us Now Praise Famous Men – Mike and Son… posted at Rough Fractals, saying, “Dad as hero…”

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of Discovering Dad Blog Carnival using our carnival submission form. Submission deadlines are the 28th of every month.

If you’d like to stay updated on new articles at Discovering Dad, please Subscribe to My Feed.

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