I was overwhelmed with the amazing responses people shared about the article What Kind Of Dad Did You Have? So many people came forward, not just to comment, but to share real and personal experiences that they had with their own fathers. The relationships I have with my father has deteriorated to the point of non-existence, and reading some of your comments made me feel much better and more comfortable, for lack of a better term, with my situation.  You helped strengthen my resolve to be a different kind of dad to my daughter – Thank You!

So I decided to follow it up with a sequel and focus on the most obvious topic. Moms. I have gotten to know many moms through blogging and real life, but you don’t get to hear much in cyberspace from grown men talking about about our moms.

Looking back on my childhood, I was a daddy’s boy. I remember sports, carnival rides, BBQ’s, Wiffle Ball and back yard games. Of course my mom was there throughout it all, but I must have been taking cues from my dad during that time. It wasn’t until my teenage years that I began to consider my mom as the primary parent of influence in my life, and I’m thankful that she was such a good influence on me.

My mom was a terrific lady, and she remains the same today. I don’t tell her “thanks” enough. I got all of my artistic and musical abilities from her. I was encouraged to actually pursue art as a profession by her. She taught me to cook, bake, create…all the fun mom stuff. Most importantly to me, and I am guessing to my wife, I learned how to treat women with respect.

There were some rocky times when my parents were going through their divorce during which I turned to my mom more than my dad. She never waivered in her unwillingness to blame him or to put us between the two of them. She displayed a very strong character throughout the ordeal and, as a result, I began to gravitate towards her as the parent I would learn from from then on.

During those years, I became more sensitive. Seeing my mom upset from time to time about the divorce taught me how fragile a woman can be, and seeing her angry taught me how strong their will is too. She would never allow me to let a door swing shut on a woman or treat girls with any form of disrespect whatsoever.

I remember a specific instance, during the time that my grandmother was passing away in the hospital, when a young nurse came in. Probably all of 26. She was well-intentioned enough, but she kept referring to my grandmother as “hon” and “sweetie.” When she left, my mother quietly told me how she expected me to respect grandmothers and great-grandmothers, and to never condescend to them by using nicknames.

Its possible that my mom was trying to instill all the values in me that she had wished my father would have possessed, but it didn’t really matter. She was right. I see a flash of red every time I hear a guy make fun of or belittle his girlfriend or wife in public, and it bothers me when I hear about guys forgetting their wives birthday.

I have my mom to thank for all that. If she had chosen to be defeated by the circumstances in her life, or chosen not to constantly remind me how important it was to treat women with respect and class, then I probably would not have the family I have today. I am very lucky in that respect, and I owe it all to her.

I love my mom very much, and if she happens to read this article, well…I’d just like to say….”Thanks Mom!”

How does/did your mom influence your life? What traits or characteristics, if any, do you have her to thank for?

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad.  His personal site is The Playpen.  You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

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So, how do you  create a parenting blog that lasts?  Like most other things in life, it might be best to follow the example of others who have succeeded in the thing you are trying to achieve.

One blog that has stuck around and connected with thousands of parents is Whiskey In My Sippy Cup, authored by the (in)famous Mr Lady. So, what is a ‘long time’ for a parenting blog to have been around? Well, since blogging is still a relatively new phenomenon (around 10 years old), I’d say 4+ years and more than 1000 posts qualifies as a pretty good measuring stick.

Described as “a parenting blog for the rest of us,” Whiskey In My Sippy Cup is a funny, poignant and sincere blog that will consistently capture and hold your attention, while also making you laugh so hard that you might just spit your coffee out.

For example, check out any of these posts (warning – you may want to relieve yourself prior to reading):

I Am a Twelve Year Old Boy

I think he may PAY them to say these things

True Tales of Woe

The other thing I really like about Mr Lady is that she is both sarcastic yet self-deprecating; audacious yet genuine; and, in-your-face yet welcoming.  She is a very honest blogger who gives you the good, bad and ugly of her experiences as a wife and parent.  Conceptually, I think of her as one of those cool moms that makes the kids (and other adults) laugh, but also holds them accountable for their actions.  In reality, she is just another parent experiencing the same joys and struggles as the rest of us, and she has found a way to share her life in an interesting way with others through her blog.

I’ve been very fortunate to get to know Mr Lady over the last year, and I’m proud to call her a friend.  There are many great mom and dad blogs out there, but in my opinion, hers is one of the best.

If you’re really thinking about starting a parenting blog of your own, think about what it is that you really want to accomplish.  Is it going to be just for you?  Your family? Your close network of friends?  Or, do you want to share your thoughts and experiences with the world?  If so, then take some time to read as many parenting blogs out there as possible, but a good place to start might be Whiskey In My Sippy Cup.

Another good central place to look is:  Dads.Alltop.com and Moms.Alltop.com.

If you’re interested in staying updated with all of Mr Lady’s latest updates, you can Subscribe to the Whiskey In My Sippy Cup feed.

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All parents are endowed with this power, yet few have mastered it.  I want to find the sensei with the eyes of steel; the master of optical discipline; the parent with the most intimidating look on the planet.  You know, the look that might even make the kids a little damp in the drawers.

Something along these lines, only better:

Do you have a look that will stop the kids (or your spouse) cold?

Take a picture of yourself with the best “look” you’ve got. Feel free to doctor it up – this is supposed to be fun (for us parents anyway) – and send me an e-mail entry at jeremy at discoveringdad dot net.

(if you have a website or blog, include your URL with the entry and I’ll post a link to it too:-))

Entries will be accepted until Thursday, July 31, 2008.

I’ll post all the entries on Friday, August 1, 2008, so we can all have some fun over the weekend voting.

The Master of Optical Discipline

will be crowned on Monday, August 4, 2008.

Tell your friends and spread the word – I can’t wait to see your photos!

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Mishelle from Secret Agent Mama. wants to know what dads really think about Quality Time.

Mishelle shares why she and other Moms want to know:

Growing up, my Dad worked a lot–heck, he still works a lot–so we didn’t have a lot of time. I honestly don’t remember any time, other than Graduation, that he actually came to a recital, a choral presentation, or the like. If it didn’t take place at our church, and if he wasn’t off, he just didn’t make it. I do, however, remember doing things together and I have happy memories from my childhood and adolescence, but it’s still rather clouded. Clouded by the fact that he worked so darn much.

As a mother now, I realize how important a father’s time truly is. My husband does his very best to spend quality time with the kids, but I often think and ask, Is it enough? Will the kids look back and question their memories as a result of their father’s work schedule? What else can he do to ensure that the time spent with the kids is–in fact–quality time?

Then our quality time, as a couple, is in question. I know that our bond is strong, but I want to be confident that we spend enough solid time together that will enable us to remain as strong, many years down the line. Michael’s work schedule factors in, yet again, and I often worry that time is not being spent in togetherness enough. Is there more that we can do to ensure that the time we spend together is qualitative, because it sure isn’t quantitative at this point?

That’s why this question weighs heavily on my mind. I want to make sure that we all look back and say that time was well spent. I know that Michael is working hard to provide for our family, and I love and respect him for it. I just want to make sure that, regardless of work schedules and what not, our family ultimately stands the test of time, and that it is awesome–every last minute of it!

Here’s what the Dads think about Quality Time:

Jim from The Busy Dad Blog. Of all the attributes that I possess as a family man, I admittedly suck at one thing above all others: quality couple time. The hardest thing about adjusting to family life is finding balance. Between working, being a good father, taking care of myself as an individual, and being a good husband, it gets awful difficult to keep all those plates spinning.

My kid is my everything. I would sacrifice anything to make sure that he has all he needs in order to grow up happy, healthy and well-adjusted. He needs me. There’s no way he can do this on his own. In order to do this to the best of my ability, I need to feel fulfilled as an individual, so “me time” isn’t that hard to commit to either (luckily, my “me time” doesn’t involve much more than my blog and related activities, along with some sort of enjoyable beverage. I don’t golf or watch sports). My work? Well that goes without saying. I could never feed my kid the $0.25 frozen burritos that I used to subsist on.

My wife is an adult, and technically can fend for herself. See, that’s where I suck. That is not true. Emotionally she needs me. She needs to feel like we’re more than just a tag team assigned by the government to raise this kid. But that is how I come across sometimes. When we go out, we talk about Fury. When we don’t talk about Fury, we are engrossed in a movie. I’m gonna turn the tables on you today, dear reader. I’m asking you: how can I detach myself from my role as “Fury’s dad” and better play my role as “Lisa’s hubby”?

Because that there, folks, would complete my journey.

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Joe from Joeprah.com. Quality time with the family? All I do is spend QT with the family. I seldom have any personal time where I am alone with my thoughts. When I am blogging it is usually during a naptime, meal or extreme hours of the night. I am surrounded by my kids all day and my wife every night. We do everything together as a family and although my wife and I don’t go out as couple as much as we would like, we still try to get out around once a month.

After our first daughter was born, we took swing dancing lessons, and then Lindy hop. We went out at least twice a week as a couple and I think that is where I would like to be again someday, but it just isn’t as easy when you have three children. We love our time away together and subscribe to the theory that if our relationship as husband and wife isn’t strong, then it trickles down onto the rest of our family.

We try to plan at least one significant vacation as a family a year and many other weekend getaways. We live on the east coast, so we take regular trips to different beaches.  We are blessed with a family member that has a beach house where we spend many weekends relaxing. If we have nothing planned on a weekend we like to spend time at local parks, or hanging out with our close friends and family. So it goes without saying, it is understood we spend basically all our time together.

We have, however started a tradition with our kids that we like to spend one-on-one time with each of them doing something together we both would enjoy. We call this special day, “Special Day.” For instance, my wife might take #2 to the movies and to lunch, and I might take her fishing, to a snowball stand and to the driving range. The idea is to make sure that each of our girls know that they are special to both of us, no matter how busy we may get as a family sometimes. Our focus has, and always will be, our family.

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Ed from Zoe’s Dad. My situation may be a bit different than most guys in that I, as a stay at some dad, am with my kids all of the time. Seriously, all of the time. My wife is an Emergency Room Physician and has no set shift from week to week. She works very long hours and very hard. So when it comes to my kids, I can proudly say I have both quality and quantity time.

Quality time with my wife, on the other hand, is sadly, infrequent. Rare would be a more apt term. Our crazy schedule with kids and her work tends to put our desire for alone time farther down the priority list than we both would like. We just can’t seem to find the time. Oh, we’ve tried but to no avail. I honestly can not recall the last time she and I went out on a proper date. I know! It is horrible. Unfortunately that is the reality of my situation. We often joke that is the reason we have stayed married. Because we never spend time alone we appreciate the opportunities and make the most of them.

I’m not sure if asking the questions is supposed to draw us to a conclusion and ultimately serve as catalyst for change or to just give us guys a sounding board for explaining why we act like, well guys. I somehow feel, though, that this issue may be one of the more significant in the overall undertones and hidden intentions. Before kids and promotions and mortgages, before parent school organization meetings and soccer practices, before ballet recitals and piano lessons…there was she and I. And I made time to spend with her because I wanted to be with her. I wanted to get to know her. She intrigued me. And you know what? She still does. She is funny, smart, playful and exciting, and I need to rediscover that.

She just mentioned to me last night that her boss wants the schedule requests for the upcoming month. I’m going to tell her she needs to schedule off a random Tuesday or Thursday. Any day, for that matter so that we can go catch a movie—-alone!

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Chuck from D is for Dad. My first marriage ended in divorce. My oldest kids, now 13 and 17, have spent most of their life seeing me every other weekend. This reality has made me see family time in a wholly different way than a lot of families. The bottom line is I don’t want to miss a thing, ever again. If I could get one thing through to parents it would be to treat your kids and your spouse like you won’t see them everyday. Spend more time coloring with kids or talking with your spouse. Your home-life will change for the better. Guaranteed.

If I’m not at work, I’m with my family. Period. If you were to ask my wife she may not always see this as a good thing. More times than I care to mention, she has asked me to take my computer and head down to the coffee shop for awhile, just to get me out of the house. I’ve yet to take her up on the offer (I know, crazy), instead I take the cue and poke around in the garage or something.

What I need to work on is making time for my wife and I to be alone. I tend to count on her for scheduling this whole thing and that just isn’t fair, and it probably doesn’t make her feel much like I appreciate our time together, or the effort she puts into it, now that I think about it. Yes, this is definitely something I need to work on. Thankfully, we do get out to dinner, and maybe a movie, once a month or so. It doesn’t sound like much, but my goodness, the break is phenomenal!

For me family is everything. There is no place I’d rather be, ever.

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Jeremy from Discovering Dad. I first got married when I was 20-years-old.  Five years later I was divorced.  During that time, work was my life, and it sucked the life out of me.  Seriously, I let work and school dominate my time (I worked during the day and went to school at night for 3 years).  And then, when I finished school, I got one of the worst possible jobs a young, married man could ever get – managing a record label and recording studio.  Now, not only was I working all of the time, but my work was everyone else’s play.  I was babysitting wannabe rock stars, instead of spending time with my own kid.  I tell you all of this because I had to learn the hard way the importance of putting family first.

After that experience, I vowed to do things differently.  I promised myself that I would learn from past mistakes and never make them again.  I would be a completely different man…

My wife Lori and I just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary this past May.  No one thought we would make it this long, let alone have a wonderful, loving marriage and two amazing kids together.  We did, after all, get engaged after 2 months of dating and married 4 months later.  It was…impulsive, but we both knew it was right.

One of the things we decided from the beginning of our marriage was that we wanted to spend time together before we had kids. Lori also needed to build a relationship with my daughter Chani, and even though she was amazing from the start, it took time for her to get used to this new role.  So, having been through what I had in the past, you would think we (I) put quality time as a couple, and quality time with Chani, at the top of our list, right? For Chani, yes – I’m proud to say that we have always maintained a consistent, reliable visitation schedule with her and made sure that she feels 100% a part of our family.  For me and Lori, not so much.  In fact, the first few years we were married, our jobs kept us apart (travelling) more than we were together.  It’s a wonder that the relationship didn’t fall apart.

We made a decision to get our careers on track, so that we could build the kind of life and home we wanted for each other and our kids, before we decided to become parents.  Along the way, we did get to spend quality time together.  We went on vacations by ourselves, using the bazillion rewards points we racked up travelling for work; and, even though it took a little longer than most, we got to know each other as individuals, lovers and friends.

When we decided to have kids, we both agreed our family would come first.  This meant making some major changes, including me leaving a very successful career and, ultimately, working from home and taking care of the kids.  Fast forward three years and two kids later, and I’m proud to report that Chani, Ty and Caitlin all get lots of quality time with both me and Lori.  When it comes to quality time as a couple, well, we’ve struggled with that one, and at times, it feels like we parent and work in shifts – the problem is how to make the third shift about us when we’re both exhausted.  We haven’t found a solution yet, but we are actively working on spending more quality time together as a couple.  Unfortunately, though, it always seems like:

Quality time is always a challenge because the quantity of time available is never enough.

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Alright Moms, Dads, wives, husbands, women and men, readers in general – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts about quality time with your spouse and family? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? What are the things that you do in your relationship? Don’t be shy or humble – please share your communication tips and insights!

Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them – they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.

Thanks very much to 5 Moms who came up with such great questions for this series, and also the 5 Dads who were honest, sincere and thoughtful in their answers.  I’m so proud to be part of this series, and the dialogue it has generated is encouraging. People need to talk about these types of things more in order to learn and grow as a parent or spouse.  Thanks again to everyone for participating, reading and commenting.  I hope to bring you something equally engaging soon!

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Momo from Momo Fali’s. wants to know what dads really think about mom’s body after babies.

Momo explains why she and other Moms want to know:

It’s fairly well known that the more attractive you are, the more attention you get from the opposite sex. Looks and appearance are key elements in our search for a mate. Though, in my opinion and experience, females can be more emotional when it comes to attraction, while males are more physical. It’s simply the way men are wired.

To put it mildly, I am not aging gracefully. If I may be brutally honest, things are sagging. There are stretch marks after two pregnancies, and I have a lovely scar across my stomach from two c-sections. My love of the sun is showing on my face, and my laugh lines are more like laugh trenches.

And through all my bodily changes, from firm to doughy, from smooth to scarred, my husband…my red-blooded, testosterone-laden man…still says he’s attracted to me. Even though it’s hard for me to comprehend, I believe him. Or at least, I want to believe him. I know that if he lost his hair (he hasn’t), or if he had birthed two babies (he obviously didn’t), I would still be attracted to him. But, I am a woman and that’s how I’m wired.

Can men really look past our imperfections? Does their love for us allow us some bodily leeway? What I want to know is how do the Dads really feel about their wife’s changing body?

Here’s what the Dads think about Mom’s Body after Babies:

Jim from The Busy Dad Blog. There is nothing at all wrong or unattractive about moms who have lost their “new car smell.” In fact, I view it quite the opposite. A mom sporting the battle scars of motherhood, e.g. a little extra poundage, a little more sag, eye bags, and wrinkles, actually becomes a more appealing human being in my eyes. It could be because I am a dad blogger who holds parenting in the highest esteem as far as one’s life accomplishments go. Dads, moms–anyone who steps up and takes care of business–there is nothing more deserving of my respect or admiration than that.

Getting back to the subject of my wife in particular.  She of course laments that she will never get her pre-pregnancy body back. Sure, it’s a great goal to shoot for, but whether she makes it or not won’t really affect the attraction meter for me. She was a different person back then, a tadpole if you will. She has become a frog. Er… scratch that. She was a caterpillar who became a butterfly.

To be totally honest, I have more trouble with her losing that “party girl” attitude that she had pre-marriage than anything else. I totally applaud her for tackling this mom thing head-on and transforming her outlook, but of course, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it dearly. Physically, she’s A-OK and always will be.

That being said, I also have no problem at all with cosmetic surgery. You only have this one life, and if you go through it unhappy about something that could be fixed with a nip and a tuck or a bag of salt water, then why suffer? If my wife wanted to go through with a procedure that would make her feel more confident or more content with her life, then I would be the last one to kill that buzz. We get braces and fancy haircuts right? No different in my eyes.

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Joe from Joeprah.com. I do not approve of or like the idea of plastic surgery. It is just wrong on so many levels (IMO). Our bodies change, however I can honestly say I love my wife more and more everyday no matter what changes we go through. I think there is a direct correlation between an individual’s time they spend on keeping themselves looking fit for their spouse and how often they are intimate. I don’t just mean “Business Time” intimate, I mean hugging and cuddling and all that stuff. I think that we generally all want to look appealing for our significant others, but I don’t think that should ever drive us to surgery.

As for my wife during and after pregnancy, I may be a little spoiled on this one because my wife lost most of her pregnancy weight within a few weeks after each baby. I can’t say whether or not this matters to me because it has never been an issue. I think that this phenomenon may be a testament to the strength of our relationship but also how strong she is as a person.

Sags? I see no such sags, but I suppose it is inevitable. I also think that the mind is the sexiest part of the body and guess what? My wife is wicked smart. I think too much emphasis has been put on trying to achieve and remain perfect and, in my opinion, it isn’t necessary.

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Ed from Zoe’s Dad. Within ten to fifteen pounds I weigh the same that I did eight years ago when I got married. Hell, I’m within that range spanning twenty years ago when I graduated college. Problem is, none of that weight is in the same place. Everything has shifted: up, down, out (a lot of out). I refer to the ever-increasing size of my stomach as Dunlap’s Disease. That’s when your stomach gets so big it ‘done lapped’ over your belt. My wife has never said a word to me about my slug-like metamorphosis. And I have never said a word about any changes she may have experienced.

I have always been attracted to my wife. She is beautiful and the changes to her body as a result of pregnancy and age have only enhanced that. I get excited when I see her. I get excited when I’m near her. I get excited when I think about her. (You may apply your own interpretation of excited here, I’m pretty sure it will apply.) There is a glow and a warmth about her that draws me in. She would paint a very different picture but then, we’re always most critical of ourselves, aren’t we? I think that what she fails to recognize is that I love her for who she is. From the onset of our relationship, I tried to make that point very clear.

She is without exception the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I love her just as much today as I did when we first met, inside and out!

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Chuck from D is for Dad. Many, many years ago I spent a summer operating a jack hammer in sweltering heat. I have never been as in shape as I was that summer. Today, I’ve managed to keep myself from getting too out of control (seeing as I don’t exercise or eat well), but I’m a far cry from that ripped kid who wasn’t afraid to walk around without a shirt on. My wife was also a different person all those years ago, before children had entered into the story. There are two main differences though. One, she has always exercised and eaten well. Two, she now has two children to show for the changes in her body. My jack hammer callused hands barely lasted two weeks.

Sure, her body has changed, but it has never bothered me. I’ve always considered it part of the grand plan. The very fact that I am here with her to evidence and experience the change is somehow proof to me that we’ll be fawning over one another 50 years from now. It’s really very comforting.

Something I need to remind myself of how supportive I need to be when she is feeling less than happy with the state of her post-baby body. I made the mistake early on of thinking that just telling her she looked great was enough. It isn’t always enough. These days I try and help her feel better about her body. This may mean going shopping with her and helping her find something she thinks she looks good in. It may also mean that both of us will be dieting for a little while because it makes her feel better. You get the idea? Words aren’t always enough.

My secret is though, while she has a great body and I feel unworthy most days, it is her mind I love the most.

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Jeremy from Discovering Dad.  At my house, it isn’t my wife’s post-pregnancy body that is an issue – it’s mine! To give you an idea, we had to stop into the doctor’s office to pick something up one week after our new baby Caitlin was born.  The receptionist looked at Lori and asked, “Did you just have your baby?”  Lori said yes.  “I hate you,” the lady said with a contemptuous smile.  Then, there’s me, the balding, wrinkling, softening sidekick who looks like he swallowed the baby Lori just gave birth to!

I have no problem whatsoever with my wife’s body after giving birth to two babies.

Now, having said that, no one escapes the affects of time and age on a body completely.  After two kids and almost 10 years of being with me, Lori has some wrinkles.  She would probably say that things are sagging, although I don’t really think so.  She would definitely say that the sun combined with the pregnancies has caused some skin damage and spots to develop.  There’s no question that she looks different now than she did when we first got married.  The thing is when I look at her I don’t see the imperfections – I only see the woman I love who is beautiful in every way to me.

As time moves on and things continue to change physically, who knows, maybe Lori will want to “get some work done.”  It won’t be at the behest of me though.  I, on the other hand, may need to get some major work done – my self-esteem would be greatly improved if I could get an assectomy.  Have you seen the size of my butt lately!?!

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Alright Moms, Dads, wives, husbands, women and men, readers in general – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts about mom’s changing bodies? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? What are the things that you do in your relationship? Don’t be shy or humble – please share your communication tips and insights!

Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them – they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.

Part 5 of the series continues tomorrow with the panel sharing What Dads Think About Quality Time.

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