Mishelle from Secret Agent Mama. wants to know what dads really think about Quality Time.

Mishelle shares why she and other Moms want to know:

Growing up, my Dad worked a lot–heck, he still works a lot–so we didn’t have a lot of time. I honestly don’t remember any time, other than Graduation, that he actually came to a recital, a choral presentation, or the like. If it didn’t take place at our church, and if he wasn’t off, he just didn’t make it. I do, however, remember doing things together and I have happy memories from my childhood and adolescence, but it’s still rather clouded. Clouded by the fact that he worked so darn much.

As a mother now, I realize how important a father’s time truly is. My husband does his very best to spend quality time with the kids, but I often think and ask, Is it enough? Will the kids look back and question their memories as a result of their father’s work schedule? What else can he do to ensure that the time spent with the kids is–in fact–quality time?

Then our quality time, as a couple, is in question. I know that our bond is strong, but I want to be confident that we spend enough solid time together that will enable us to remain as strong, many years down the line. Michael’s work schedule factors in, yet again, and I often worry that time is not being spent in togetherness enough. Is there more that we can do to ensure that the time we spend together is qualitative, because it sure isn’t quantitative at this point?

That’s why this question weighs heavily on my mind. I want to make sure that we all look back and say that time was well spent. I know that Michael is working hard to provide for our family, and I love and respect him for it. I just want to make sure that, regardless of work schedules and what not, our family ultimately stands the test of time, and that it is awesome–every last minute of it!

Here’s what the Dads think about Quality Time:

Jim from The Busy Dad Blog. Of all the attributes that I possess as a family man, I admittedly suck at one thing above all others: quality couple time. The hardest thing about adjusting to family life is finding balance. Between working, being a good father, taking care of myself as an individual, and being a good husband, it gets awful difficult to keep all those plates spinning.

My kid is my everything. I would sacrifice anything to make sure that he has all he needs in order to grow up happy, healthy and well-adjusted. He needs me. There’s no way he can do this on his own. In order to do this to the best of my ability, I need to feel fulfilled as an individual, so “me time” isn’t that hard to commit to either (luckily, my “me time” doesn’t involve much more than my blog and related activities, along with some sort of enjoyable beverage. I don’t golf or watch sports). My work? Well that goes without saying. I could never feed my kid the $0.25 frozen burritos that I used to subsist on.

My wife is an adult, and technically can fend for herself. See, that’s where I suck. That is not true. Emotionally she needs me. She needs to feel like we’re more than just a tag team assigned by the government to raise this kid. But that is how I come across sometimes. When we go out, we talk about Fury. When we don’t talk about Fury, we are engrossed in a movie. I’m gonna turn the tables on you today, dear reader. I’m asking you: how can I detach myself from my role as “Fury’s dad” and better play my role as “Lisa’s hubby”?

Because that there, folks, would complete my journey.

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Joe from Joeprah.com. Quality time with the family? All I do is spend QT with the family. I seldom have any personal time where I am alone with my thoughts. When I am blogging it is usually during a naptime, meal or extreme hours of the night. I am surrounded by my kids all day and my wife every night. We do everything together as a family and although my wife and I don’t go out as couple as much as we would like, we still try to get out around once a month.

After our first daughter was born, we took swing dancing lessons, and then Lindy hop. We went out at least twice a week as a couple and I think that is where I would like to be again someday, but it just isn’t as easy when you have three children. We love our time away together and subscribe to the theory that if our relationship as husband and wife isn’t strong, then it trickles down onto the rest of our family.

We try to plan at least one significant vacation as a family a year and many other weekend getaways. We live on the east coast, so we take regular trips to different beaches.  We are blessed with a family member that has a beach house where we spend many weekends relaxing. If we have nothing planned on a weekend we like to spend time at local parks, or hanging out with our close friends and family. So it goes without saying, it is understood we spend basically all our time together.

We have, however started a tradition with our kids that we like to spend one-on-one time with each of them doing something together we both would enjoy. We call this special day, “Special Day.” For instance, my wife might take #2 to the movies and to lunch, and I might take her fishing, to a snowball stand and to the driving range. The idea is to make sure that each of our girls know that they are special to both of us, no matter how busy we may get as a family sometimes. Our focus has, and always will be, our family.

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Ed from Zoe’s Dad. My situation may be a bit different than most guys in that I, as a stay at some dad, am with my kids all of the time. Seriously, all of the time. My wife is an Emergency Room Physician and has no set shift from week to week. She works very long hours and very hard. So when it comes to my kids, I can proudly say I have both quality and quantity time.

Quality time with my wife, on the other hand, is sadly, infrequent. Rare would be a more apt term. Our crazy schedule with kids and her work tends to put our desire for alone time farther down the priority list than we both would like. We just can’t seem to find the time. Oh, we’ve tried but to no avail. I honestly can not recall the last time she and I went out on a proper date. I know! It is horrible. Unfortunately that is the reality of my situation. We often joke that is the reason we have stayed married. Because we never spend time alone we appreciate the opportunities and make the most of them.

I’m not sure if asking the questions is supposed to draw us to a conclusion and ultimately serve as catalyst for change or to just give us guys a sounding board for explaining why we act like, well guys. I somehow feel, though, that this issue may be one of the more significant in the overall undertones and hidden intentions. Before kids and promotions and mortgages, before parent school organization meetings and soccer practices, before ballet recitals and piano lessons…there was she and I. And I made time to spend with her because I wanted to be with her. I wanted to get to know her. She intrigued me. And you know what? She still does. She is funny, smart, playful and exciting, and I need to rediscover that.

She just mentioned to me last night that her boss wants the schedule requests for the upcoming month. I’m going to tell her she needs to schedule off a random Tuesday or Thursday. Any day, for that matter so that we can go catch a movie—-alone!

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Chuck from D is for Dad. My first marriage ended in divorce. My oldest kids, now 13 and 17, have spent most of their life seeing me every other weekend. This reality has made me see family time in a wholly different way than a lot of families. The bottom line is I don’t want to miss a thing, ever again. If I could get one thing through to parents it would be to treat your kids and your spouse like you won’t see them everyday. Spend more time coloring with kids or talking with your spouse. Your home-life will change for the better. Guaranteed.

If I’m not at work, I’m with my family. Period. If you were to ask my wife she may not always see this as a good thing. More times than I care to mention, she has asked me to take my computer and head down to the coffee shop for awhile, just to get me out of the house. I’ve yet to take her up on the offer (I know, crazy), instead I take the cue and poke around in the garage or something.

What I need to work on is making time for my wife and I to be alone. I tend to count on her for scheduling this whole thing and that just isn’t fair, and it probably doesn’t make her feel much like I appreciate our time together, or the effort she puts into it, now that I think about it. Yes, this is definitely something I need to work on. Thankfully, we do get out to dinner, and maybe a movie, once a month or so. It doesn’t sound like much, but my goodness, the break is phenomenal!

For me family is everything. There is no place I’d rather be, ever.

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Jeremy from Discovering Dad. I first got married when I was 20-years-old.  Five years later I was divorced.  During that time, work was my life, and it sucked the life out of me.  Seriously, I let work and school dominate my time (I worked during the day and went to school at night for 3 years).  And then, when I finished school, I got one of the worst possible jobs a young, married man could ever get – managing a record label and recording studio.  Now, not only was I working all of the time, but my work was everyone else’s play.  I was babysitting wannabe rock stars, instead of spending time with my own kid.  I tell you all of this because I had to learn the hard way the importance of putting family first.

After that experience, I vowed to do things differently.  I promised myself that I would learn from past mistakes and never make them again.  I would be a completely different man…

My wife Lori and I just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary this past May.  No one thought we would make it this long, let alone have a wonderful, loving marriage and two amazing kids together.  We did, after all, get engaged after 2 months of dating and married 4 months later.  It was…impulsive, but we both knew it was right.

One of the things we decided from the beginning of our marriage was that we wanted to spend time together before we had kids. Lori also needed to build a relationship with my daughter Chani, and even though she was amazing from the start, it took time for her to get used to this new role.  So, having been through what I had in the past, you would think we (I) put quality time as a couple, and quality time with Chani, at the top of our list, right? For Chani, yes – I’m proud to say that we have always maintained a consistent, reliable visitation schedule with her and made sure that she feels 100% a part of our family.  For me and Lori, not so much.  In fact, the first few years we were married, our jobs kept us apart (travelling) more than we were together.  It’s a wonder that the relationship didn’t fall apart.

We made a decision to get our careers on track, so that we could build the kind of life and home we wanted for each other and our kids, before we decided to become parents.  Along the way, we did get to spend quality time together.  We went on vacations by ourselves, using the bazillion rewards points we racked up travelling for work; and, even though it took a little longer than most, we got to know each other as individuals, lovers and friends.

When we decided to have kids, we both agreed our family would come first.  This meant making some major changes, including me leaving a very successful career and, ultimately, working from home and taking care of the kids.  Fast forward three years and two kids later, and I’m proud to report that Chani, Ty and Caitlin all get lots of quality time with both me and Lori.  When it comes to quality time as a couple, well, we’ve struggled with that one, and at times, it feels like we parent and work in shifts – the problem is how to make the third shift about us when we’re both exhausted.  We haven’t found a solution yet, but we are actively working on spending more quality time together as a couple.  Unfortunately, though, it always seems like:

Quality time is always a challenge because the quantity of time available is never enough.

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Alright Moms, Dads, wives, husbands, women and men, readers in general – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts about quality time with your spouse and family? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? What are the things that you do in your relationship? Don’t be shy or humble – please share your communication tips and insights!

Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them – they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.

Thanks very much to 5 Moms who came up with such great questions for this series, and also the 5 Dads who were honest, sincere and thoughtful in their answers.  I’m so proud to be part of this series, and the dialogue it has generated is encouraging. People need to talk about these types of things more in order to learn and grow as a parent or spouse.  Thanks again to everyone for participating, reading and commenting.  I hope to bring you something equally engaging soon!

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Momo from Momo Fali’s. wants to know what dads really think about mom’s body after babies.

Momo explains why she and other Moms want to know:

It’s fairly well known that the more attractive you are, the more attention you get from the opposite sex. Looks and appearance are key elements in our search for a mate. Though, in my opinion and experience, females can be more emotional when it comes to attraction, while males are more physical. It’s simply the way men are wired.

To put it mildly, I am not aging gracefully. If I may be brutally honest, things are sagging. There are stretch marks after two pregnancies, and I have a lovely scar across my stomach from two c-sections. My love of the sun is showing on my face, and my laugh lines are more like laugh trenches.

And through all my bodily changes, from firm to doughy, from smooth to scarred, my husband…my red-blooded, testosterone-laden man…still says he’s attracted to me. Even though it’s hard for me to comprehend, I believe him. Or at least, I want to believe him. I know that if he lost his hair (he hasn’t), or if he had birthed two babies (he obviously didn’t), I would still be attracted to him. But, I am a woman and that’s how I’m wired.

Can men really look past our imperfections? Does their love for us allow us some bodily leeway? What I want to know is how do the Dads really feel about their wife’s changing body?

Here’s what the Dads think about Mom’s Body after Babies:

Jim from The Busy Dad Blog. There is nothing at all wrong or unattractive about moms who have lost their “new car smell.” In fact, I view it quite the opposite. A mom sporting the battle scars of motherhood, e.g. a little extra poundage, a little more sag, eye bags, and wrinkles, actually becomes a more appealing human being in my eyes. It could be because I am a dad blogger who holds parenting in the highest esteem as far as one’s life accomplishments go. Dads, moms–anyone who steps up and takes care of business–there is nothing more deserving of my respect or admiration than that.

Getting back to the subject of my wife in particular.  She of course laments that she will never get her pre-pregnancy body back. Sure, it’s a great goal to shoot for, but whether she makes it or not won’t really affect the attraction meter for me. She was a different person back then, a tadpole if you will. She has become a frog. Er… scratch that. She was a caterpillar who became a butterfly.

To be totally honest, I have more trouble with her losing that “party girl” attitude that she had pre-marriage than anything else. I totally applaud her for tackling this mom thing head-on and transforming her outlook, but of course, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it dearly. Physically, she’s A-OK and always will be.

That being said, I also have no problem at all with cosmetic surgery. You only have this one life, and if you go through it unhappy about something that could be fixed with a nip and a tuck or a bag of salt water, then why suffer? If my wife wanted to go through with a procedure that would make her feel more confident or more content with her life, then I would be the last one to kill that buzz. We get braces and fancy haircuts right? No different in my eyes.

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Joe from Joeprah.com. I do not approve of or like the idea of plastic surgery. It is just wrong on so many levels (IMO). Our bodies change, however I can honestly say I love my wife more and more everyday no matter what changes we go through. I think there is a direct correlation between an individual’s time they spend on keeping themselves looking fit for their spouse and how often they are intimate. I don’t just mean “Business Time” intimate, I mean hugging and cuddling and all that stuff. I think that we generally all want to look appealing for our significant others, but I don’t think that should ever drive us to surgery.

As for my wife during and after pregnancy, I may be a little spoiled on this one because my wife lost most of her pregnancy weight within a few weeks after each baby. I can’t say whether or not this matters to me because it has never been an issue. I think that this phenomenon may be a testament to the strength of our relationship but also how strong she is as a person.

Sags? I see no such sags, but I suppose it is inevitable. I also think that the mind is the sexiest part of the body and guess what? My wife is wicked smart. I think too much emphasis has been put on trying to achieve and remain perfect and, in my opinion, it isn’t necessary.

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Ed from Zoe’s Dad. Within ten to fifteen pounds I weigh the same that I did eight years ago when I got married. Hell, I’m within that range spanning twenty years ago when I graduated college. Problem is, none of that weight is in the same place. Everything has shifted: up, down, out (a lot of out). I refer to the ever-increasing size of my stomach as Dunlap’s Disease. That’s when your stomach gets so big it ‘done lapped’ over your belt. My wife has never said a word to me about my slug-like metamorphosis. And I have never said a word about any changes she may have experienced.

I have always been attracted to my wife. She is beautiful and the changes to her body as a result of pregnancy and age have only enhanced that. I get excited when I see her. I get excited when I’m near her. I get excited when I think about her. (You may apply your own interpretation of excited here, I’m pretty sure it will apply.) There is a glow and a warmth about her that draws me in. She would paint a very different picture but then, we’re always most critical of ourselves, aren’t we? I think that what she fails to recognize is that I love her for who she is. From the onset of our relationship, I tried to make that point very clear.

She is without exception the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I love her just as much today as I did when we first met, inside and out!

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Chuck from D is for Dad. Many, many years ago I spent a summer operating a jack hammer in sweltering heat. I have never been as in shape as I was that summer. Today, I’ve managed to keep myself from getting too out of control (seeing as I don’t exercise or eat well), but I’m a far cry from that ripped kid who wasn’t afraid to walk around without a shirt on. My wife was also a different person all those years ago, before children had entered into the story. There are two main differences though. One, she has always exercised and eaten well. Two, she now has two children to show for the changes in her body. My jack hammer callused hands barely lasted two weeks.

Sure, her body has changed, but it has never bothered me. I’ve always considered it part of the grand plan. The very fact that I am here with her to evidence and experience the change is somehow proof to me that we’ll be fawning over one another 50 years from now. It’s really very comforting.

Something I need to remind myself of how supportive I need to be when she is feeling less than happy with the state of her post-baby body. I made the mistake early on of thinking that just telling her she looked great was enough. It isn’t always enough. These days I try and help her feel better about her body. This may mean going shopping with her and helping her find something she thinks she looks good in. It may also mean that both of us will be dieting for a little while because it makes her feel better. You get the idea? Words aren’t always enough.

My secret is though, while she has a great body and I feel unworthy most days, it is her mind I love the most.

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Jeremy from Discovering Dad.  At my house, it isn’t my wife’s post-pregnancy body that is an issue – it’s mine! To give you an idea, we had to stop into the doctor’s office to pick something up one week after our new baby Caitlin was born.  The receptionist looked at Lori and asked, “Did you just have your baby?”  Lori said yes.  “I hate you,” the lady said with a contemptuous smile.  Then, there’s me, the balding, wrinkling, softening sidekick who looks like he swallowed the baby Lori just gave birth to!

I have no problem whatsoever with my wife’s body after giving birth to two babies.

Now, having said that, no one escapes the affects of time and age on a body completely.  After two kids and almost 10 years of being with me, Lori has some wrinkles.  She would probably say that things are sagging, although I don’t really think so.  She would definitely say that the sun combined with the pregnancies has caused some skin damage and spots to develop.  There’s no question that she looks different now than she did when we first got married.  The thing is when I look at her I don’t see the imperfections – I only see the woman I love who is beautiful in every way to me.

As time moves on and things continue to change physically, who knows, maybe Lori will want to “get some work done.”  It won’t be at the behest of me though.  I, on the other hand, may need to get some major work done – my self-esteem would be greatly improved if I could get an assectomy.  Have you seen the size of my butt lately!?!

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Alright Moms, Dads, wives, husbands, women and men, readers in general – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts about mom’s changing bodies? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? What are the things that you do in your relationship? Don’t be shy or humble – please share your communication tips and insights!

Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them – they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.

Part 5 of the series continues tomorrow with the panel sharing What Dads Think About Quality Time.

If you want to make sure you don’t miss any new posts at Discovering Dad or for the What Dads Think series, Subscribe to My Feed.

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Shannon from Whiskey In My Sippy Cup. wants to know what dads really think about pornography.

She elaborates why she and other Moms want to know:

Does everyone have a nice, tall drink in front of them?  Has everyone emailed there mom and said, “You know what?  Go ahead and skip the Internet today?”  Great!  I have a question I have been dying to ask someone….

What’s the deal with the porn, yo?

Here’s my problem:  I get it that if you’re not getting any at home, that if there’s a new baby, or a wife who just can’t right now, then sure, I won’t argue the needs of those situations.  A guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do. But when you’re in a perfectly fine, functional relationship where everyone is willing and able, then I’m going to raise an eyebrow at the need for something more.

It’s around; it’s accessible; it’s easy; and, it’s brainless.  But is buying or enjoying pornography cheating?  Or is it a compulsion?  Your Right As A Man?  My husband and I, for all our faults, get along gorgeously and almost never fight.  I’ll admit, though, to standing in front of the computer monitor with a hammer in one hand and the credit card statement in the other, sizing up whether or not I could actually get away with demolishing that sucker.  We have had Showdown Smackdowns about this topic, and we’ve kinda come to a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell agreement around here.

I would really like to know, though, from someone who isn’t married to me, what gives? Seriously, what’s the deal with the porn, yo?

Here’s what the Dads think about PORN:

Jim from The Busy Dad Blog. Um… Heh… I hope my mom is not reading this. I hope no one connected to me by blood or marriage is reading this. Except for my wife. She knows all this. If I didn’t tell her, she would have found out anyway. At least I can get honesty points this way!

Second grade. I was at my friend Derek’s house. We were in his parents’ bedroom looking for something. I don’t remember what it was. All I remember was we happened to open his dad’s nightstand. And we found a magazine. I still need to write Hugh Hefner to thank him for recalibrating my life’s priorities on that fateful day. For the next few months, we spent way too much time in that room (we’d tell his mom that we had to go in there to hold a meeting to discuss Mindy, their cat. 8 year-olds are sooo wily!), just staring in awe at the pictures, not really knowing what to do with them, yet just knowing that we really liked them.

Here were are, 30 years later and my awe still hasn’t subsided. Adult entertainment has seen me through thick and thin. Through good times and bad. Whether it was live at a nudie bar letting me and my boyz be guys, or virtual on a computer screen showcasing the wonder of internet technology, it’s tough to let an old friend go.

But when you have kids, you kind of have to. You need to hide that stuff, and hide it well. Like in a hole in your neighbor’s yard or something. And I say this solely because you don’t want the kids to inadvertently pack that DVD on your next drive to Legoland. Otherwise, you’ll spend a lot more time explaining about how pieces fit together than you anticipated.

Porn in the presence of a wife? I don’t consider that cheating. If another human being is not actively involved, it is not cheating. I wouldn’t even consider that chick from Terminator 3 cheating. She’s made of synthetics, screws and bolts (I could so make an LA joke here, but I will refrain). So porn is totally fine in my book, just as long as you’re not neglecting her for it. I view porn as the 3rd string quarterback. He may not be your star player, but he’ll always be ready and willing to throw the ball. And sometimes that’s all you need.

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Joe from Joeprah.com. So, porn huh? Ok, well there is a lot to say on the topic of porn. To start things off, I remember something my 10th grade “religious ed/relationships” teacher told our class and it always stuck with me. Some goof ball kid (not me somehow) asked about porn within a relationship, and she responded saying, “anything that promotes a couples’ relationship that both people agree on is healthy for a relationship.” She went on to say, “however, it must be something that you both agree on.” I have since subscribed to that philosophy and I think that should be applied to this topic.

I mean, I could careless what works for other people. If Tom and Sally like to dress-up like hobbits and hit each other with waffle ball bats to excite each other, well…more power to them! As long as they are happy is what is important. So, this is my way of saying that what Joeprah does with his wife behind closed doors is fine, as long as it is mutually agreed upon.

Does this mean that we condemn or enjoy Porn? Out of respect for my wife I would like to keep our personal relationship private, but I think spicing up a relationship every once in a while can be a good thing – no matter what props you utilize, outfits you put on or stuff you look watch or look at.

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Ed from Zoe’s Dad. I don’t do pornography….anymore. My wife won’t let me! I kid. Really! This was a pretty easy topic for me because it is essentially a non-issue. Never got into it. Oh, I’ve seen it, don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint. I’m pretty sure I may have lingered while channel surfing a time or two, but never really long enough to figure out the plot line or the motivations for the lead characters. There is a plot and motivation factor, right? And I still look forward to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue each winter, as I have for the past thirty years. That’s porn isn’t it?

Anyway. I don’t see it as morally wrong or objectionable and have no problems with those who have a video library that would rival my own collection of Disney Classics. I wish I could take a moral high ground here and say that it all changed when I had children and now that I’m a parent I see each woman in these films as someone’s daughter. But I’d be lying. Porn just never appealed to me.

I remember the first strip club I ever entered. I told you I’m no saint. And yes, by phrasing it the first implies that there were others. There were. Anywho—the first strip club I ever entered was on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. The place stunk, literally. It reeked of rotting fish and every surface in the club looked sticky. I say looked because I could not bring myself to touch anything. There was a ten dollar minimum on drinks. I ordered mine and let it sit, refusing to touch it. One of the dancers approached me after her set and began the spiel. You know, about the extra private dances all the things she could do for you. All I could say was, “I got this for you. Enjoy.” And I left the club. Left my buddies without a ride. Could not get away fast enough. No. Porn just never really appealed to me.

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Chuck from D is for Dad. I was a bit surprised when this question was among the few to respond to, but then again part of me thinks it needs to be discussed, so here goes. In my role as Network administrator (my day job), I see plenty of the filth that people are browsing when they should be working. In church groups, I hear about the marriages that have been destroyed because porn somehow entered into the equation. I’m of the opinion that porn has absolutely no place in a marriage or relationship, not in a healthy one anyway. I’ve heard the arguments people make about the fantasy side of the conversation and how introducing it into a relationship can sometimes save it. I think this is absolute bunk. If fantasy is what you want then fantasize about your partner, in your own mind or with your partner. If you aren’t capable of doing this, then there are other intimacy issues that need resolving and porn isn’t part of the solution.

Porn can become an addiction just like anything else. It may seem innocent enough. The Playboy subscription. The late night pay per view rentals. All of these things take your mind places it ought not be, unhealthy places. This just isn’t a fun topic at all, and I can’t make it so. Not even a little bit. I’ve seen too many lives destroyed. I’m not saying it isn’t good to have erotic thoughts, not at all, but have them about the one you love. That’s all I’m saying.

Porn doesn’t care about you one bit. The industry, like everything else, thrives on money and power. The difference to me is porn wants to see you fail. It wants to see you in that dark place looking for some kind of stolen intimacy and entirely dependent upon it. Stay away. For the sake of your family, stay away.

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Jeremy from Discovering Dad. I’m not really into porn, but I liked the movie Boogie Nights.  I’ve seen Ron Jeremy on several reality TV shows too, and man, if only I could look more like him…you know, all hairy, round and…well, endowed. I gotta be honest with ya, it ain’t exactly a confidence boost to see the likes of RJ and Dirk Diggler, if you know what I mean!?!

I remember the first time I saw a porno tape.  It was seventh grade, and I was at a friends house in the neighborhood.  He popped that sucker in the VCR, and stuff started flying all over the place.  They never showed the guys’ faces for more than a few seconds though, and this just struck me as weird and impersonal.  As I grew older, and I heard arguments about pornography and how it objectifies women, I always thought back to that first impression and wondered, isn’t it the same for the men involved?

Pornography is a distraction to me, and maybe that’s why some people like it.  Maybe it helps couples forget about being mad or upset with each other, and instead they can let go and interact in a more positive way.  For me, though, I don’t want to think about something or someone else during sex; I want to think about and be with my wife.  Having a bunch of other thoughts or images running through my mind during the most intimate moments we have together, well, it doesn’t work for me.  It makes it feel less special.  And, eventually, I worry that it would make our love life forgettable, expendable or unnecessary. Personally, I just don’t want to go down that road.

Having said that, I can remember many times watching Real Sex on HBO with my wife and both of us being enthralled with the stories.  We watched it together, and it always felt somewhat voyeuristic rather than sexual to me.  It wasn’t like the show ignited the flames or anything, instead it sparked curiosity and conversation about the crazy stuff people do in real life and then agree to have shown on television! What do you think these peoples’ kids think about their parents going to sex camp and having it broadcast worldwide?  It’s crazy!

Most kids probably start out with porn because they are curious too.  I can understand and identify with those feelings.  My fear is that indulging this curiosity and allowing it to become an obsession negatively impacts young peoples’ abilities to develop normal, healthy relationships.  They think porn star sex is the only kind of sex, and they end up missing out on the more beautiful elements of intimacy.  It’s kind of like that first video I ever saw, they don’t see the peoples’ faces – only body parts flying around with a lot of moaning and screaming.

Pornography is sold as a stimulant, but ultimately, I feel like it only serves to dull the senses.  Whether someone enjoys porn or not, the important thing is to be present and engaged in your marriage or relationship – the time you spend fantasizing about someone else would be much better spent getting to know something new about your partner.

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Alright Moms, Dads, wives, husbands, women and men, readers in general – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts about pornography? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? What are the things that you do in your relationship? Don’t be shy or humble – please share your communication tips and insights!

Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them – they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.

Part 4 of the series continues tomorrow with the panel sharing What Dads Think About Bodies after Babies.

If you want to make sure you don’t miss any new posts at Discovering Dad or for the What Dads Think series, Subscribe to My Feed.

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Edited Later: The original author of this question has requested to become anonymous; however, the answers are still relevant, so here you go:

Jane wants to know what dads really think about flirting.

She explains further what she and other Moms want to know:

What is harmless flirting? Is there such a thing?

What are your thoughts? I am interested to hear what Dads have to say regarding this matter, especially because of the popularity of blogs and social sites.  It is easy to leave a comment that may seem flirtatious. Do you engage in harmless flirting? If you do, would you mind if your wife participated in flirting on the same level?  If not, why not (to both questions)?

Here’s what the Dads think about Flirting:

Jim from The Busy Dad Blog. To me, flirting is not only harmless, but I will venture to say that it is beneficial to a relationship. Keep that in mind as I lay an analogy on you.

I have been doing martial arts for close to 18 years. I have never gotten into a physical confrontation on the street. In the ring and on the mat, I have banged it out hundreds of times with all kinds of people, from newbies to pro kickboxers to UFC fighters. Because I’ve gone through the motions and tested myself in that arena, I have nothing but confidence when I walk down the street. I have no need to prove myself. It’s that “I could so kick your ass if I needed to” self-assurance that keeps me in line.

Let’s jump back to flirting. Do you see the connection yet? Too much of a stretch? I need to explain, huh. Well, perfect, because I have to fill at least 3 paragraphs. Flirting is like sparring. It keeps you sharp and reassures an old guy that he’s still got it. I like to think of myself as simply a friendly guy, but the fact of the matter is I’m probably flirtatious. How do I know? If I can take any comment, email or IM communication I have ever sent to a female and also send it to Jeremy (aka Discovering Dad), then I’m friendly. If that same communication would give him second thoughts about meeting up with me for a beer while I’m in his part of the country, then that’s flirtatious.

Does that make me a bad husband?  A cheater? No. Not at all. I’m sparring. It stays “in the ring.” In fact, it actually contributes to keeping me in line. When I playfully banter, I’m indulging my social side, gaining reassurance that I’ve “still got it,” and I’m generally maintaining my self confidence as a male animal who has the ability to kill things and mate. All those things help me feel more settled in my role as a monogamous family man – killing things has evolved into building Legos, and mating occurs if I’m not being annoying or driving her nuts, which is rare.

And yes, anything I allow myself to do in this life, I would also be 100% OK with my wife doing. Always. No exceptions.

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Joe from Joeprah.com. Out of respect for my wife and our relationship, I subscribe to the policy that flirting is just wrong. I use my wife as an example for me here, she would never consider “flirting” to be acceptable behavior in a relationship, I mean unless it was with each other. She works in a male dominated industry, and I wouldn’t want her to flirt with the guys she works with in order to move up in the world.

I don’t think flirting has really been part of our culture, and to be honest, I am sure I would be pretty bad at it. I could never really understand flirting, and I always thought that certain girls hated me only to find out later they had crushes on me. My wife, like any women with taste, fell for me instantly. Sadly though, I had no idea because I couldn’t interpret the flirting. This may be a shocker to folks out there, but I had a lot of self-esteem issues growing up probably because of my tumultuous home life. So it was always hard for me to imagine that anyone would find me appealing.

Flirting within our relationship is different than outside of our relationship. My wife seldom, or never, flirts with me to get something she wants, like a smore or nice meal.  All she has to do is ask. We are, however, sexually active adults, and therefore we flirt like crazy anytime we are around each other. Awesome.

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Ed from Zoe’s Dad. I don’t flirt…..anymore. My wife won’t let me! Truth be told, I was never really good at flirtation as an art form, advancing not too far beyond the DO YOU LIKE ME? CHECK ONE ____ YES ___ NO. Remember that one? Either way, the girl was getting a slug in the arm, and I was heading back to the monkey bars. It’s kind of weird, really. I guess I feel that flirtation is, in some way, disrespectful to my wife and the commitment I have made to her.

To the best of my recollection, I have never made a comment about how hot or totally fine a particular woman may be (in the presence of my wife). Not even the “mmm, mmm” she mutters every time she sees a photo of Eddie Vedder or Brady Quinn or any number of others I jokingly refer to as Her Boys. I just don’t do it. It kind of hurts when she does it, but I’ve never said a word (Goes back to those issues I have with communication).

I just realized that last paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with flirting. Sorry. I can say this – Deep down, it feels really good, flattering actually, when it seems like a girl is flirting with me. It’s an ego boost, a little shot to the psyche. Yet, beyond genuine kindness and proper Southern manners in return from me, that’s about as far as it goes.

Let’s face it, I’ve been married eight years; I’m a Stay at Home Dad; gainfully unemployed, with five kids the oldest of whom is just completing first grade. I got here by way of flirting. I think it’s done enough damage, don’t you? I don’t flirt anymore!

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Chuck from D is for Dad. If I have to draw a hard jagged line in the sand, then I’m going to have to be on the side that is against flirting. The problem with flirting is it often resides in deep gray recesses and isn’t known as flirting until, well, until it’s too late. One moment you are being kind to someone, and the next moment you’re flirting. It happens in an instant, almost without you being fully aware it’s occurring. When I consider flirting, I like to compare it to being “kinda pregnant.” There’s no such thing. You’re either pregnant or your not. You’re either flirting or you aren’t.

I do have a dilemma though. I was raised to place women on a bit of a pedestal. Not in an ivory tower, mind you, but on a pedestal. What this means is I will often be kinder to a woman that I will be to a man. I am more forgiving of women than I am of men. Women get much more benefit of the doubt than the guys do. If I’m being waited on by a waitress, she is going to get a better tip than the waiter. I’ve been told in the office that it is very obvious when the person on the other end of the phone is female. Occasionally, I have been accused of flirting in many of these instances, but the truth of the matter is I wasn’t flirting at all I was just being kind. I really didn’t have flirtatious thoughts flowing about. So in these instances am I being a flirt?

When it comes down to it, the energy that I could put into flirting should be directed toward my wife, and hers to me. Frankly, there is nothing sexier than to be flirted with by the woman you have been sharing a bed with for more than a decade. The fact that she is interested in extending that courtesy is a great compliment and validation that the next decade should be pretty bangin’.

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Jeremy from Discovering Dad. In and of itself, I don’t think flirting is that big of a deal.  It lacks the element of harmful intent.  Most people I know, married or single, flirt.  The problem I see is when flirting becomes a habit, or it is used to manipulate or control others.

Personally, I feel like it’s disrespectful to flirt with someone in front of my wife.  Thankfully, in my life about the town, I’m pretty oblivious to opportunities to practice this behavior.  In smaller settings, or within blogs or social networks, I’m more playful and relaxed in nature, so I guess you could call that flirting.  Again, though, it doesn’t have a negative intent against my wife, and it’s not a habitual behavior for me.

My wife, on the other hand, is definitely a flirt.  She has one of the most outgoing personalities you would ever see, and people are naturally drawn to her.  I’ve never felt uncomfortable though with her actions (even though a few times I did about the short skirts or ‘hi-there’ signs posted on the cleavage).  After nearly ten years together, I feel confident and secure in our relationship no matter what.  I know that she knows where the appropriate boundaries are on this topic, and she knows that I don’t really think enough about flirting to make her worry.  Make sense?

An issue I see with flirting, though, is that even if your intent is harmless and innocent you can’t control how others perceive it.  Some might think a joke and a smile means you want to hop in the sack with them.  Others might think a and a thank you e-mail means that you’re their new BFF!  And again, if the innocent flirting is habitual on your part, then the chances of people taking it the wrong way go up.

Harmless flirting is OK, but use common sense and make sure your spouse or significant other isn’t upset by it.

————————————————-

Alright Moms, Dads, wives, husbands, women and men, readers in general – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts about flirting? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? What are the things that you do in your relationship? Don’t be shy or humble – please share your communication tips and insights!

Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them – they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.

Part 3 of the series continues tomorrow with the panel sharing What Dads Think About PORN!

If you want to make sure you don’t miss any new posts at Discovering Dad or for the What Dads Think series, Subscribe to My Feed.

Because diapers don’t grow on trees. Sign up for Never Blue Ads.

©2010 Discovering Dad. All Rights Reserved.

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Ohmommy wants to know what dads really think about “honest communication, ‘talking’ or inner dialogue between couples.”

She gives a good example here of why Moms want to know:

“My love, does my butt look big?” I asked my husband one afternoon while 8 months pregnant with our 3rd child. He slowly walked around my once tiny yet now incredibly bloated frame and very honestly replied, “Yes.” That simple honest yes, although probably very true, sent me into a fit of tears. In between my dramatic sobs I asked him, “Why, oh, why do you have to be so brutally honest?”

My husband, the love of my life, has always been brutally honest with me. He has no trouble bathing me with honest compliments on a daily basis. He tells me often how lucky he is, how much he loves me, how great I look in that new killer skirt. However, when I ask him a question, he delivers his answer honestly. Honesty is important. So is the subtle delivery of it – “I have always loved your butt, honey.”

Most women, I know, inherited a nurturing gene. This gene allows women to register questions, determine multiple scenarios, and decide on how to deliver the ‘best’ answer. Take for example, a conversation I might have with a close friend. “Does my butt look big in these jeans?” I would have to smile, evaluate, determine, and answer, “No. But why don’t you try on those Gap jeans.” In the end, I would bathe her with compliments steering her toward the right pair of jeans to minimize her huge butt. Most women nurture to avoid conflict.

Most men, like my husband, are honest and business like when it comes to talking and answering questions. I really do appreciate his honesty and have learned to embrace it when it comes to conversations about financial decisions, parenting troubles, and family conflicts. His honesty and business-like approach is important to our communication. I understand him. However, when I ask him whether or not my boobies are sagging, I would like him to say something, anything, other than, “Yes, honey.”

So Dads, why do you have to be so honest and business-like when talking with the love of your life?

Here’s what the Dads think about honest communication, talking or inner dialogue:

Jim from The Busy Dad Blog. You know when you watch a Snoop Dogg interview and every other word is youknowwhutimsayin? I’m kind of like that, youknowwhutimsayin? I’m a validation talker. If you don’t fully understand point A, I don’t expect you to understand point B, C or D. So I will hammer on point A, until it is effectively refuted, accepted or understood before I move on. This has served me wonderfully in the professional world, where I have done much of my communicating with computer programmers (you know, those if/then types). In relationships, I have found this to be a problem. This leads me to believe that the issue with couples is not so much the desire to communicate, but rather the way in which we prefer to communicate.

Men are often given a bad rap because we “don’t like to talk.” But eavesdrop on a group of guys downing pitchers at Hooters and tell me that. We talk. So much so that it looks like we’re trying to out-talk one another. Because we are. But we welcome that. It keeps our minds sharp; it keeps us logical. Each fact we throw out there, each point we make, each go-Google-it-then’s sole purpose is to get the other person to see point A, so we can move on to point B.

Did you just roll your eyes? Fine, I’m going to shut down now.

See how that works? Communication between a man and a woman can be a major stressor. Of course I am generalizing, but I’m going to say that most males enter discussions with a concrete objective and the intention to win (i.e. have their point or argument accepted), while women generally communicate to find common ground and understanding. Those two modes of communication often clash. I don’t know how many times my wife and I have stressed each other out when she tells me a story about some annoying person at work. I immediately start drawing a plan of attack to solve this problem, and she gets frustrated that I am going into Solution Man mode. And then we get into a fight over it because all she needed was a sympathetic ear.

So what’s the answer? I don’t know. Has anyone picked up the irony of this post yet? I’m not offering a solution here. Wow, I’m getting better at this husband thing.

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Joe from Joeprah.com. As a couple, I think you grow in respect to how you interact with each other. I have always liked to talk things out.  This probably comes from my desire to live in a house where no one goes to bed angry. My awesome wife has been similar in disposition to me, however when we were first married (almost 12 years ago) we would fight a lot more, or should I say she would fight a lot more and “shut down” over the stupidest things—literally.

Out of desperation, or sheer brilliance, I created my own coping technique where I would pin my wife down and tickle her until she saw how ridiculous she was being. I actually found out several years into our marriage that there was an actual self-help/stress release technique that was called “Tickle Therapy.”

Since our “newlywed” stage as a couple, we have been active communicators. When we go out on “date night,” we always have something to talk about. We are best friends, and we share our hopes, dreams and inner most feelings with each other as a rule. So, I don’t think that you can over communicate as a couple, and I think all couples need to make sure that the lines of communication are open and remain that way.

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Ed from Zoe’s Dad.  I’m not a talker – never have been. For some reason, my inner self stays just that – inner. I never considered this a big deal until I got married. Damn, girls like to talk. A LOT!! My wife is a great communicator, wonderful command of language, very well educated and quick thinking. Me? Not so much. I tend to absorb words and phrases in a conversation formulating answers. It’s a lengthy process, all internal, and by the time I have prepared a response, it’s too late. By then, the topic has changed at least three times, or my wife is so frustrated with my silence that she starts to respond for me.

“Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.” -Margaret Miller

It starts a vicious cycle wherein I become frustrated and start to clam up and tune out. Before long, her words become background noise and I am deaf to them. It has been the cause of many, many a heated (on her part) arguments. Oh, and as an aside – sometimes guys really do think about nothing. Absolutely nothing. Case in point. I recently spent over thirty hours alone in my car much of the time in complete silence, no radio, no iPod, nothing. The most significant bit of information I was able to ponder during the entire trip…..man, I really need to cut my toenails!

That being said, I consider my methods of communication to be a model. A model of exactly what not to do in a relationship. Honest communication is important! Communication should be mutual and respectful with both sides feeling their voice has been heard and considered. And it’s important to talk of the mundane, as well as the significant. So often when children and family issues enter a relationship, benign or meaningless conversation is lost, forgotten or overlooked, and personally, I think that is a shame.

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Chuck from D is for Dad.  Communication is key in any relationship. Each side needs to understand that the other has an opinion and should be heard and consulted. When a marriage is young just about every decision should be discussed.  As the months and years add up, partners are able to anticipate the other with a modicum of success. The important thing to remember is, if you pause (even for a moment), then you need to put on the brakes and pick up the phone.

The thing about talking with guys is that we really just need you to get to the point. If the drama or family history you are going to unleash has little to do with a question, then you can feel free to leave it out. The truth of the matter is I have the attention span of a very small child, so asking the questions that need answered sooner rather than later is always best.

If there has to be some long (more than five minutes) explanation leading up to the question, then tell me that up front. Something like, “Honey we need to talk about this party next weekend, and I want to make sure you remember what happened last time.” If I were to hear that it would tell me I need to pay attention for the duration, rather than checking out after the first question crosses your lips. I know it’s like preaching to the choir, but the kid reference is pretty spot on, at least where I am concerned.

If the conversation we are about to get into is heavy, then I think we (men) work best when the environment is less distracting. Make sure the TV is off and the kids are in bed. Sit down at the kitchen table, and let’s talk. We all like to be right, men and women. Unfortunately, men have a bigger problem with pride than the ladies, in my experience, and this can lead to us shutting down, especially if a conversation is moving in the direction of painting ourselves into the corner of our own idiocy. If this happens then just back off. We’ll come around eventually.

The only other thing that I know can make a guy shut down and stop listening, aside from his own idiocy, are exaggeration’s and generalizations. Don’t carry on about how “we talk about this all the time!” when, in reality, we’ve talked about it twice. That isn’t all the time, or “you never support me!” because you know that just isn’t true. Maybe you feel like you’re not being supported this time but NEVER, come on.

I think at the end of the day we are here to honestly discuss what needs discussing. It’s just important to remember that it is very likely we’d rather be doing something else. Remember Home Improvement and Tim the “Tool Man” Taylor? Yeah, a lot of us really are just like that.

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Jeremy from Discovering Dad.  Men and women, in most cases, are programmed to communicate differently.  In my experience, men are results-and-solutions oriented talkers, while women are process-and-understanding oriented talkers.  Men want answers, while women want empathy. Men like short, focused conversations; while women like longer, exploratory conversations.

What does this mean when my wife Lori asks me a question?  I give her an honest answer, but it’s hard for me not to throw in a potential solution or two. Lori likes solutions, but she would prefer if they came from her and not me (and, I’m the same way). She also seems to ask me a lot of rhetorical questions…you know…the trick questions; the stream of consciousness questions; the giving-direction-in-the-form-of-a-query questions; the validation questions; basically, questions that do not have a black or white answer, only shades of gray.  It’s hard for me to know how to answer these types of questions in a positive way.  Why? Because I’m not a process guy – I don’t enjoy all of the back stories and details needed to get to the answer; I like getting to the results, solutions or happy ending.

Not all communications we have though are in the form of Q&As.  We talk about everything, and it’s rare that unilateral decisions are made without consulting the other person.  The majority of our conversations are honest and respectful, although we both have strong opinions and big egos that sometimes get in the way.  Even when we argue or disagree though, I know she loves me and I love her.  We might not always say the right things to each other, but we do try to hash things out in a positive and loving manner.

One of the things I feel is important to keep in mind when communicating within a marriage (or committed relationship) is tone and courtesy.  I am a very courteous person, always have been.  I struggle with my tone though.  I can have an air of superiority at times, moreso with people that I love than people I hate (which doesn’t make any sense when I really think about it).  I’m working on it though.  I think both partners should consider the power of their words, which can lift a person up or tear a person down.  When I talk to my wife, I’d like to be someone who lifts her up with sincerity and honesty  – “I really like your hair like that, honey.  You look very beautiful today!” Or, “I really like the way you handled that situation with [our kid].  I’m going to have to remember that.”

————————————————-

Alright Moms, Dads, wives, husbands, women and men, readers in general – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts about honest communication, talking or inner dialogue? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? What are the things that you do in your relationship? Don’t be shy or humble – please share your communication tips and insights!

Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them – they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.

Part 2 of the series continues tomorrow with the panel sharing What Dads Think About Flirting!

If you want to make sure you don’t miss any new posts at Discovering Dad or for the What Dads Think series, Subscribe to My Feed.

Because diapers don’t grow on trees. Sign up for Never Blue Ads.

©2010 Discovering Dad. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Dads and Daughters – Make a Decision Already I usually sprinkle my posts with apologies and disclaimers designed...
2. Discovering Dad Blog Carnival – July 2009 Welcome to the July 2009 edition of Discovering Dad Blog...
3. Discovering Dad Blog Carnival – September 2009 Welcome to the September 2009 edition of Discovering Dad Blog...

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