Discovering Dad » What Moms Think

What Moms Really Think About – A Series for Dads (Recap)

Jeremy — Mon, 05 May 2008 01:27:00 +0000

One of the best experiences I’ve had blogging was putting together the What Moms Really Think About – A Series for Dads. The thing I liked most about the series was the dialogue that the topics, insights and comments sparked. It was a rare learning experience, in which hundreds of moms and dads put defenses aside and just talked about issues of importance to us all. There were no judgments, no name calling, no ‘hating’ – just honesty, appreciation and a desire to understand.

If you’re new to Discovering Dad, here’s a link to each of the articles in the series:

What Moms Really Think About – A Series for Dads (Series Intro)
What Moms Really Think About Marriage – The Good, Bad & Ugly (Part 1 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About Physical Appearance (Part 2 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About SEX (Part 3 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About – Pet Peeves (Part 4 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About Good Dads (Part 5 of 5)

Feel free to continue the conversations by leaving a comment with your thoughts on any of the topics.

Special thanks goes out to the 5 amazing women who participated on the panel: Kim of Jogging In Circles; Jen of Huckdoll’s Hood; Shannon of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup; Piper of Bliss in Bloom; and, Lori aka Mrs. Discovering Dad (my wife). I would highly recommend all of these ladies’ blogs – visit them often and subscribe to their feeds.

Shannon also wrote a great follow-up article on the experience on The Anthill at cre8Buzz.

Joeprah also wrote a nice commentary on the series at TheExaminer.com.

Three of my fellow dad bloggers also helped to provide me with feedback on the series: Jim at The Busy Dad Blog; Tyler at Building Camelot; and, Jason at Roth Family Adventures. These dads rock, so be sure to check out their blogs and subscribe to their feeds too!

I hope you all learn as much from this series as I did. Thanks to everyone for participating!

Do’s & Don’ts of Motivating Dad (Series Instigator)
Is It More Important to be a Good Dad or Good Husband?
20 Kinds of Dads – Which One are You?

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What Moms Really Think About Good Dads

Jeremy — Fri, 02 May 2008 04:10:00 +0000

This post is Part 5 of 5. See Related Posts at bottom for links to all parts.

Please join me in thanking our 5 incredible panel Moms – you rock ladies! Leave each of them a comment letting them know how much you enjoyed this series!

What Moms Really Think is a 5-part series featuring insights from Moms about specific topics of interest to Dads. The objective of the series is to explore relationships between men and women that have the added complexity of parenthood. The content is targeted at dads, but it is relevant to all men and women who are ‘married,’ parents or thinking of starting a family. Participation in the series is strongly encouraged – all points of view are welcomed in the comments.

For more information about the series and/or panel participants, see the series kick-off article

Not all Dads are the same. As I’ve written about before, there are many kinds of dads. Most of us who are parents today grew up in a time when Dads were expected to work and Moms were expected to take care for the kids and home. Few of us dads, including me, could ever have imagined a time when we might be the primary caregivers of our children. The only example we have to look to is that of the patriarchal head of household that we grew up with and see portrayed often on TV; if not that, then it’s the bumbling idiot dad who doesn’t know how to do anything without the help of mom. These stereotypes don’t stand up any more – we’re different now – times have changed.

Most Dads aren’t perfect. As you’ve seen, even those of us who are trying really hard to be good husbands and fathers, still fail and fall short of expectations. We are human, and so we err, sin or whatever you want to call screwing things up. We also learn from our mistakes, though, and we try not to repeat them over and over again.

Many of us are learning what it means to be a Good Dad. Discovering Dad has evolved into a site that documents my journey, and some of my friends (see Spotlight on Dads series), toward becoming a Good Dad. Nothing in life is more important to me than being a good husband and father. I appreciate every moment I have with my family, and I would do anything just to make them happy, safe and satisfied in life.

This series was conceptualized because I got pissed off at a story that, in my opinion, was derogatory to men, particularly those who were striving to be Good Dads. I wrote a rebuttal piece, that probably could have used a little more tact and might have been better if slightly filtered/reworded (the whole sex as a reward thing). Rather than sit around and wonder what moms really think about us dads, I decided to ask a few who I knew would be honest, helpful and NOT hateful. From the response the series has received this week, I think I found the right bunch (Jim at BusyDad helped me with the panel selection process – Thanks Jim!).

Here’s what the Moms had to say about what a Good Dad is to them:

Kim aka Kimmylyn of Jogging in Circles. My own father abandoned us, so I grew up with low expectations of what role a dad should play in a child’s life. I should say that my grandfather was an amazing “fill-in dad,” but I carried the daddy issues around for a long time and it really left an impression on my self esteem.

So, to see my own husband pitch the 150th ball so that his son can hit one more bomb even though he (dad) has only slept four hours the night before, this really means a lot to me. Or, when he stops whatever he is doing to listen to our oldest sing him a new nursery rhyme truly melts my heart. And, even though my husband works about 65-70 a week, he makes it a point to call every night to talk to me and the kids, and he makes special Daddy days so he can have one-on-one time with them.

I love watching the relationship unfold between my husband and our boys. We are both still rookies at parenting, but I know I could never do it without him. I don’t have the perfect answer on what a Good Dad is, but I do know that my boys are lucky they have a dad that showers them with love. I couldn’t ask for much more than that.

Jen aka Huckdoll of Huckdoll’s Hood. To me, Good Dads not only spend time with their kids, but also show affection openly. As a child, my Dad was always very conservative, and displays of affection were (and still are) rare. I love seeing Dads cuddling, wrestling, kissing and hugging their kids with no reservation. Good dads discipline WITH mom and don’t just be the good guy.

They spend one-on-one time with their children and form bonds. A good dad does not spend all day Sunday, every Sunday, glued to the football game, while asking the kids to bring him cold beer. A good dad does not spend all day Saturday, every Saturday, on the golf course. Those days are prime family and bonding times for the working Dad, and good dads make time for their family.

Shannon aka Mr. Lady of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup. What is a Good Dad? That’s a tough question. NOT MY DAD would be my gut response. Anything better than my parents qualifies you for sainthood in my book.

To me, fatherhood is all about setting an example and teaching your children to be humble, mannered, driven, respectful and happy. I really subscribe to the 1950’s family dynamic that would get me stoned in the court of feminists. I think Dad should be the center of the family, when possible.

I think that a man’s presence in the home is so important for children, and sadly underrated much of the time. Dads bring something to the table that moms just can’t, and I couldn’t honestly say what that is. I do know that when my husband and I separated, my kids’ whole world fell apart. I just couldn’t give them that thing – that magic dad thing – that he brings. The look in their eyes when we were all under the same roof again proved that point for me.

The best thing I see fathers bring to the family isn’t the money, it’s the wrestling; the tossing a baseball on Sunday; the playing Monopoly until midnight; the french kissing mom right in the middle of the living room midday in front of the kids. Maybe they grimace and Ewwww at him, but deep down they see that Dad is passionate about Mom, and this gives kids a hell of a lot of security.

My husband gets exactly one day a week with our children (crappiest schedule ever), and the other 6 days I have to fill in. I coach Little League; I go to the track meets; and, I do the concerts. I cook every single meal and kiss every single boo boo, but that one day a week with Dad is better that Heaven or Chocolate for them. He makes it special. He crams it all in there. They golf and watch movies, and they really, truly play in the way I am just too tired to ever do. That is what they’re going to remember. That is what happy children and sweet dreams are made of.

It’s the fun, plain and simple things that make for a Good Dad.

Piper aka Piper of Love of Bliss in Bloom.

A good Dad is a man who teaches by example. Kids learn from what they see more than what they are told. He does what he says he will do.

If it’s important to his kids, it’s important to him. He laughs, he’s patient, he plays, he disciplines, and he says he’s sorry when he’s wrong.

And, he makes his kids feel safe by respecting their Mother.

Lori aka Mrs. Discovering Dad. One of my favorite quotes says, “It’s not babysitting if you’re taking care of your own kids.” I love to see a dad genuinely involved in helping to raise the kids, not standing on the sidelines or only pinch-hitting when needed.

Watching a man whose face lights up at the sight of his kids is wonderful. You can just tell that a dad is close to his kids by the way they react when first catching sight of him walking through the door. And when he drops everything to give them a big hug and kiss hello, it just makes me smile.

I know there are some good dads who aren’t like this, but it sure is nice having a dad who intuitively knows how to hold, feed, diaper, and calm a crying baby. Jeremy is awesome with infants (and kids, in general), even though he makes me nervous when he carries them like a football or throws them up in the air. He almost always gets up with our son Ty and calms him when he wakes up in the middle of the night, and even though we both change poopy diapers, I’m thankful that he volunteers to do it more than me (Ty is strong and a squirmer, which makes for a messy changing experience).

Seeing a dad play dress up with his daughter or roughhouse with his son, and not be afraid to look silly, no matter who is watching. Also, seeing a man cry the first time their kid gets hurt, and kissing the boo boos to make them “all better.”

Having a husband who now has a whole new appreciation for what used to be considered “women’s work” – raising the kids, keeping the house and holding a family together. He puts his ego aside, makes the best of all situations and does things to learn and grow as a parent, like write a blog about what it means to be a Good Dad.

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Any other moms who want to share their thoughts about what a Good Dad is to them, please do – we dads want to know what kinds of things we do right, and get some ideas about what to do more often!

Alright Dads (and any other readers) – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts about being a Good Dad? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? What are the things that you do to make a positive difference in your kids’ lives? Don’t be shy or humble – please share what you do to be a Good Dad!

Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them – they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.

This series has been one of the best things I’ve been a part of since I started blogging about a year ago. I can’t thank the 5 panel Moms enough, as well as all of the Dads who helped me put this together. Most importantly, though, I want to thank all of you for reading and commenting throughout the series – I looked forward every day to the next honest, sincere and engaging comment, and you all taught me A LOT about what it means to be a Good Dad.

Thank You Very Much!

Come back tomorrow to learn more about a great dad in the Spotlight On Dads weekly series.

I strongly recommend for everyone to add each of the ladies blogs to your ‘must-read’ list or RSS subscriptions. I’d also like to thank Jim at BusyDad, Tyler at Building Camelot and Jason at Roth Family Adventures for providing much needed feedback to me throughout the series – check them out too and subscribe to them as well.

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What Moms Really Think About – Pet Peeves (Part 4 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About SEX (Part 3 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About Physical Appearance (Part 2 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About Marriage – The Good, Bad & Ugly (Part 1 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About – A Series for Dads (Series Intro)
Do’s & Don’ts of Motivating Dad (Series Instigator)

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What Moms Really Think About – Pet Peeves

Jeremy — Thu, 01 May 2008 04:28:00 +0000

This post is Part 4 of 5. See Related Posts at bottom for links to all parts.

For more information about the series and/or panel participants, see the series kick-off article.

Everyone has pet peeves. There are certain things people do that, for whatever reason, gets under your skin. At times, you can overlook these irritations, but eventually, if they are repeated often enough, it can lead to a huge blow-up or argument between couples.

Good people are irritating too. Even though your spouse is a wonderful person (most of the time), he or she is not perfect and, undoubtedly, has developed some habits or mannerisms that rub you the wrong way. It’s easy to overlook these things when calm, but what about when you’re stressed out? It’s hard to keep your temper in check, especially when your spouse is doing something irritating and the kids are driving you nuts too.

Irritating is not the same as disrespecting. Most pet peeves are personal – they are subjective. Some, though, are more than that – they are disrespectful. Both kinds warrant conversation between couples, so that they don’t escalate into resentment, hatred or worse. People don’t know what they don’t know (ya know?). Telling them how their behavior makes you feel gives them the opportunity to correct it, and when it comes to Dads, most of us want to fix these behaviors or reach a reasonable compromise.

Here’s what the Moms had to say about Pet Peeves regarding Dads:

Kim aka Kimmylyn of Jogging in Circles. There’s really only two things that drive me bananas about my husband:

1. My husband does not listen to me. I have to repeat appointments, party dates, etc, about five times before he hears me. I have tried a calendar, voice mails, text messages. He chooses to hear what he wants. We don’t fight about it, because fighting gets no where fast. I keep trying to find a system that will work. So far nothing, but I will not give up.

2. My husband does not see my burnt fuses. I will admit I have chosen to take care of the majority of the responsibilities in my household. My husband works 14-15 hours a day. I sympathize with his schedule. However, it gets me batty that he rarely sympathizes with my schedule. I work 34 hours a week, take care of the kids and run the household. I don’t like that I have to go to him when I have reached my breaking point, especially when I know he can clearly see it.

Jen aka Huckdoll of Huckdoll’s Hood
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. It pisses my off LARGELY when Baby Daddy: wakes up late in the morning and gives me dirty looks because he can’t find any clean underwear, when he throws his dirty clothes two feet away from the hamper, but not in it.

When he doesn’t call me if he’s working late (aka drinking beer and playing NHL 08 at work), or when he brings work friends home to hang out without calling me. These are ALWAYS the times I’m wearing sweats, socks with holes and a gravy stain on my white t-shirt.

Oh, and when he doesn’t bring home his Tupperware and throws them out instead.

Oh, oh, and when he doesn’t shave!! UGH. I can’t stand facial hair and he knows this.

‘NUFF SAID!

Shannon aka Mr. Lady of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup. I really, truly want to take a baseball bat to my husband when he doesn’t flip his socks out before I wash them. That is, by far, the worst part of being married.

Aside from that, the things that get to me the most are, in no particular order:

Possessiveness. If I go out with my friends, I do not want to have to A) ask permission, or B) call to check in. I understand some coordination is required, but please don’t make me grovel. I am a grown up, and I am allowed to go out. And I know how to call a cab. I’m fine. (Note in his favor: We resolved this issue years ago, and we were BOTH guilty of it.)

Thinking I am your mother. It is not cute that you forgot how to cook, and it is not considered Kinky to ask me to dress you in the morning. I know you can hold an iron, and that toilet isn’t getting any cleaner on it’s own. Speaking of toilets, when you plug it up, “Gravity” is not an effective plunger. It will not take care of that clog, no matter how much time elapses. And making me tend to your poo for you makes me not want to have sex with you. For a LONG time.

Your mother. Your mother is not my best friend. I do not want her knowing every little detail of my life. She may know every little detail of yours, but leave me out of it or I am going to send her the link to every porn site you “don’t” look at anyway. *wink*

The porn sites you don’t look at anyway. I get it that guys like porn. You’re human, and driven to “spreading your seed.” I don’t want to see it, touch it, or come anywhere near it. If you must look at it, I’d better be out. Shopping. I don’t make you watch MY porn (Food Network, and ANY Hugh Grant movie). Please extend me the same courtesy. And don’t let the porn replace me. If you get some great new ideas, you are more than welcome to try them out on me. But I’d better be getting some. In other words, as long as YOU don’t make it an issue, I won’t either.

Dumping the Child-Rearing responsibilities solely on my shoulders. You work 9-5, and I appreciate it. I do as much as I am humanly capable of, and honey? I work 14 hour sticky, disgusting, filthy shifts every day, and I am on-call the other 10. I need your help. I need to unwind in front of the computer with my tea just as much as you need to in front of the TV with SportsCenter. Please, PLEASE remember that. Please jump in occasionally without having to be asked.

Asking for too much. Don’t ask me for permission to go out with the guys, just tell me when you’ll be home. When you ask, it makes me feel guilty and controlling. Don’t ask me every time you want to Do It; sometimes, I just like it when you take it, you know? I’ll let you know if your timing is off, but I like it when you try. Don’t ask me what I need help with; you could help me by simply dusting or clipping coupons. Just help me, with anything. I’ll totally appreciate it.

Lastly, remember birthdays and anniversaries and holidays. Even that February one that I say is Way To Commercialized and I claim to hate…I really wish you’d bring me flowers one year. I’ll never admit it, though.

Piper aka Piper of Love of Bliss in Bloom. To be honest, I’m not really the pet peeve type.

Small things like toilet seats, and clipping toenails into the carpet don’t get to me. I would rather spend time laughing, and enjoying life, than spend time fretting about the small stuff. I’m really, mostly, pretty laid back.

Things that REALLY bother me are the big things, like lying, cheating, and being deceptive. Those things bother me because they are blatant disrespect. I can’t be with a man who I can’t respect, and I can’t respect a man who doesn’t respect me.

It does annoy the snot out of me when men clam up, and refuse to communicate. When it’s like pulling teeth trying to talk to someone, I usually just walk away.

Lori aka Mrs. Discovering Dad. Here’s a few of my pet peeves:

1. Telling me what we’re going to do. I know it’s not intentional, but it irritates me when I feel like you don’t ask for my input before making a decision.

2. Arguing a point to the verge of insanity. When I get upset, I get really upset, and I need time to calm down before we get to resolution. When you push me too hard, it gets even worse. Learn to just let it die, or talk about things later when we’re both calm.

3. Implying that your parenting routine and style is better than mine. As a working mom, it’s hard enough dealing with the feelings of wanting to be home with the kids. I don’t need to feel like I’m doing things wrong when I do spend time with them. Just let me make mistakes and learn do my thing – if I want or need your input or help, I’ll ask for it.

4. Not acting interested when I babble about how my day was. You could at least fake being interested a little better.

5. Screening your phone calls. ALL THE TIME. Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

6. Expecting me to be a hard ass when Ty whines. I can’t do it, you know. For now, I’m the soft, snuggly one, and you’re the rough, fun one. We handle his whining differently.

7. Not having an opinion when we want to you have one. “Whatever you want to do honey” doesn’t cut it. Tell me what you want to do. I know that you’re opinionated, so give it up when I ask for it, like when I ask you what you want for dinner – “whatever” is not a food group!

8. Not cooking – ever. Maybe not ever, but pretty damn close to it.

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Any other moms who want to share their Pet Peeves about dads, please do – we dads want to understand how you feel about this important topic!

Alright Dads (and any other readers) – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts on Pet Peeves? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? Does your wife do anything that drives you nuts? Have you found a way to overcome these things that irritate each other? How? Please share!

Part 5 of the series continues tomorrow with our panel sharing What Moms Really Think About Good Dads. The series ends on a high note, with the Moms describing their thoughts about what it means to be a Good Dad. Come back tomorrow to see what our panel thinks!

What Moms Really Think About SEX (Part 3 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About Physical Appearance (Part 2 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About Marriage – The Good, Bad & Ugly (Part 1 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About – A Series for Dads (Series Intro)
Do’s & Don’ts of Motivating Dad (Series Instigator)

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What Moms Really Think About SEX

Jeremy — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 04:15:00 +0000

This post is Part 3 of 5. See Related Posts at bottom for links to all parts.

For more information about the series and/or panel participants, see the series kick-off article.

Sex is good. Physical connection is one of the core elements of committed and mature relationships. It encourages vulnerability and trust in one another, and it is often one of the ways that couples learn how to be intimate. And lets not forget, when you do it right, it feels REAL good!

Sex is complicated. Timing, mood, environment, smells, attitude, energy and emotion all play a role in determining whether or not sex happens. In the beginning, hormones (and alcohol) tend to optimize situations and lead to frequent interludes; however, once you have kids, things change. It’s only natural, and the change itself was brought on by the subject at hand – having sex. The challenge is adapting to that change in a way that satisfies both partners, which is often a difficult thing for couples to do.

Sex is controversial. How can something that feels so right go so wrong between committed couples after having kids? The fact is that it shouldn’t, but the truth is that it does, at least for a while. Sex is easily one of the most prevalent causes of frustration in a marriage for both men and women. This frustration often leads to arguments and hurt feelings. Parents have an even harder time trying to work out problems associated with sex because taking care of kids doesn’t make you feel sexy – it’s a dirty and exhausting (yet rewarding) job. Is there a way to overcome these challenges?

Here’s what the Moms had to say about SEX after having kids:

Kim aka Kimmylyn of Jogging in Circles. BK (before kids) sex was kinda like a multi-million dollar movie production. There were costume changes, creative lighting techniques, a toy box, wine and plenty of time to complete each scene.

AK (after kids) it is more like a low-budget student film. You take whatever room is available, hope for some sort of light, a paper towel and 5 uninterrupted minutes.

My husband and I have not yet mastered how to have the exciting sex life we used to have prior to the kids. And what sucks is we both are still extremely attracted to one another. That drive/desire is still very much alive, but we are challenged by time and fatigue.

Working full time, raising the boys, taking care of a house, and trying to be sexy does not always work. So, of course, there are the nights he approaches me for sex and I tell him “nope, too tired.” Sometimes that answer is fine. Other times it causes a fight. But the same holds true for him. There are nights I approach him, and “he is too tired.” It is not only women that give out the rejection, well at least not in my house.

And what I really wish my husband would understand is that if I did not shave my legs, or if I don’t feel pretty, it is really hard for me to get into it because I am so self conscious of how I look. Bottom line is that I am thankful for when the kids have sleepovers or when we go on a vacation. Being able to reconnect and experience “BK” (before kids) sex is extremely important to both of us.

Jen aka Huckdoll of Huckdoll’s Hood. Ugh. The sex talk. This has always been a sore subject in Huckdoll’s Hood – or at least ever since the Terrible Two were born. If I start feeling harassed by Baby Daddy, I tend to get pissed off, and it always sparks these massive arguments. I wish I were the stay at home mom who wanted to get it on every night before bed, but I am so not!

He feels rejected, and I feel bad. He gets pissed off, and I’m a huge bitch. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s like guys don’t understand HOW we can be so tired and stressed when we stay home all day.

Anyway, the solution for us is to just forget everything, be as romantic as possible throughout the day…even a sexy kiss before leaving for work can set the mood for both of us. It’s just a matter of me shutting out the rest of the world and going back to a time before we had kids and responsibilities. That said, I’m not sure either one of us will ever be 100% happy about our sex life. Is ANYONE really??

Shannon aka Mr. Lady of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup. This one’s kind of a sore spot for me.

Delivering a baby is downright frightening. We hurt afterward in places we didn’t know we had. And then we spend months covered in blood and boogers and dried milk. We have a person touching us, squirming all over us almost every single second of the day. And then our husband wants to touch us, too. We are completely over-stimulated. It’s overwhelming, the easiest way to deal with that is to cut one of those people off. Guess who’s most likely to get the short end of that stick?

My advice to dads who want their women back? Take that over-stimulation away. Run her a bath, rub her feet, brush her hair. Help her RELAX. Pour her a glass of wine. Let HER come to YOU. She will when she’s ready. Be present, and available, but don’t push it and, for the love of god and all that’s holy, don’t try to GUILT her into you. It won’t work, and it will drive her farther away. The first baby days feel like they’ll last forever, but they don’t. It’s all temporary.

The best cure I ever found for postpartum depression was sex. I hated it, I didn’t want to do it, but once I did, not only did I feel a little better (thanks to nothing more than getting the old heart rate up), but my husband felt tons better, and was more able to truly help me. I think women sometimes forget that when the kid comes, the dad is just as afraid. Parenting starts for them the second that kid comes out. They have a wife, who they see in a whole new light, who they don’t know how to handle or approach, and everything they knew before changes. The best thing a wife can do for her husband after that baby comes is to give him one small bit of his old self again. Even if you’re not keen on the idea, try it anyway. Guide him though it, make him slow it down a little, but he needs it, and we do, too.

In my decade plus of marriage, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that a kitchen knife is a less painful weapon to use against your spouse than sex is. I come at it from a slightly different angle than most women; I was the one on the other side of this issue. Sex was used against me, and it took me a long, long time to bounce back from it. There is no faster way to destroy a marriage than withholding sex, or using it as a means to an end. When you put someone in the position where you hold all that power over their bodies and their basic bodily functions, it crushes them. It’s not just an “Orgasm” issue; it hits the core of who they are.

Purposely using sex as a weapon against your spouse destroys self-image, and confidence, and makes them feel inferior. We all have times of low libido, and that’s not what I’m getting at here. I am talking about deliberate refusal to provide your spouse with something that they need. It’s an outright betrayal. Monogamy doesn’t always come easy; it has to be worked at and nurtured. It is part of what we sign up for when we get married, and just like washing the dishes and mowing the yard, we just have to do it. Because, and I hate to say it, all those jobs can be outsourced if push comes to shove.

Piper aka Piper of Love of Bliss in Bloom. Sex is hugely important to me. I love it, crave it, enjoy it, as much as any man. The biggest problem with sex is that it gets used as a manipulation too easily, and then it loses it’s value and meaning.

Sex should be the release, and connection, and beautiful thing it was created to be. For married people, sex should be the starting place. But, as a woman, it’s hard to want to have sex with a man who doesn’t pay attention to you, or care about what you care about.

I don’t think most men understand that they don’t make love to a woman between the sheets, as much as they do throughout the day. Time taken to spend with her, talk to her, play with her, help her, that’s when a woman feels loved. If a woman doesn’t feel like you love her everyday, then she will resent you for telling her that (you love her) during sex.

It’s all about the intimacy outside of the sheets. If men could really understand this, then their women would never need to use sex as leverage. If you take a woman into your bed, and she’s already feeling satisfied when she gets there, she will make damn sure that her man is satisfied as well.

Lori aka Mrs. Discovering Dad. Hoo boy. Let me describe it in the form of a story you might understand.

You go out drinking with the boys and down 11 shots of Jagermeister. You chase those shots with about 8 Heinekens. It’s a wild and crazy night. Eventually, you come home and start feeling sick. In fact, you feel like crap for weeks. After about a month (Poof!), you find out that the Jagermeister fairy has left you a little gift, so special that it has to be cared for by you for 9 months inside your belly.

As the weeks progress, you are slightly alarmed by the rapid weight gain. Your hormones are raging, and your behavior becomes, uh-hum, erratic. After a while, your balance and center of gravity are off-kilter, mostly because there’s a 35 pound watermelon strapped to your front. After many months of discomfort, heartburn and bloating, you now have to push that watermelon out of your “sexy” place.

You get to keep the amazing little prize and take it home, and after a few weeks of puke, poop and pee, you ask yourself, “How did this happen to me? Oh, yes, I remember now, it was the Jagermeister!” Suddenly, it’s no longer your favorite drink anymore, if you know what I mean.

Once you’ve gone through the process of having kids, somehow a lot of the fun of making them is gone. On top of the physical changes that happen to women after giving birth, kids add about 500 competing thoughts each day to our already overcrowded minds.

What extraneous thoughts can we eliminate to make room for these new parental ones? Work? Not unless you want to get fired. Food? Well, ramen for dinner was fine when it was just me, but somehow a newborn isn’t ok with that. Housework? Well, that’s fine, as long as you don’t mind smelling curdled baby puke for days. None of these are really options.

What other thoughts used to occupy our minds before came? Oh yes, I remember now. SEX. Well, guess which set of thoughts just got bumped to make room for those that kids bring? You guessed it, bye bye dirty mind.

Sex also requires time, energy, a degree of enthusiasm, and no interruptions. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had all four of those simultaneously. Men will increases their chances of having sex by helping women to relax, focus and work their way into it. Look for opportunities to make her feel special, and don’t even think about it when she’s exhausted. Somehow you have to help her to get rid of all those competing thoughts and focus on each other without a lot of distractions.

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Any other moms who want to share your thoughts on SEX, please do – we dads want to understand how you feel about this important topic!

Alright Dads (and any other readers) – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts on SEX? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? Is your wife or significant other using sex as a weapon? Have you found a way to have a healthy and consistent sex life after the kids were born? How? Please share!

Part 4 of the series continues tomorrow with our panel sharing What Moms Really Think About Pet Peeves. What do Dads do to annoy the ever living sh*t out of Moms? Come back tomorrow to see what our panel thinks!

What Moms Really Think About Physical Appearance (Part 2 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About Marriage – The Good, Bad & Ugly (Part 1 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About – A Series for Dads (Series Intro)
Do’s & Don’ts of Motivating Dad (Series Instigator)

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What Moms Really Think About Physical Appearances

Jeremy — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 03:55:00 +0000

This post is Part 2 of 5. See Related Posts at bottom for links to all parts.

For more information about the series and/or panel participants, see the series kick-off article.

I used to be hot, but now I’m not. Now, I’m more like…average, or slightly below average, on the hotness scale. I’m close to the same weight as I was when I was hot, but it’s distributed A LOT differently. I used to have that whole Tom Cruise or Christopher Reeves thing going on, but now it’s more like a Tom Hanks or Buddy Lee thing.

I used to be confident, but now I’m slightly self-conscious. Although my wisdom and maturity has grown proportionate to my waistline, my ego has receded on pace with my hairline. One thing I am confident about is that my butt gets the same amount of attention as it did 15 years ago, only now it seems the magnetic attraction is reversed as it repels rather than attracts most objects.

How important are looks, though, now that I’ve been a dad for almost 14 years? I’d like to look hot again, for myself and my wife, but is that something she really cares about? To what extent does my looks affect our relationship? Is she repulsed by The Butt? Or, does outward appearance have little to do with how she feels about me?

Here’s what the Moms had to say about the importance of physical appearance:

Kim aka Kimmylyn of Jogging in Circles. Physical appearance is not as important as the sexual connection. I could give a laundry list of what I find physically attractive in a man, but speaking from my own experience it means nada. Do I want my husband to gain 100 pounds and stop showering? No, that would not be attractive.

I’ve had plenty of Mr. Gym Hotties come and try to pick me up with a lame ass line, but it just makes me want to smack that dude and say, “WAKE UP! It takes more than your fake tanned flexing biceps. Inject a little personality into your ass. Make me laugh!”

Should I mention that my husband is 5.5 inches shorter than me and weighs about two pounds less than me? Or, that I find him ridiculously sexy. He is flawless in my eyes. Why? Because he can make me giggle like a school girl. He reminds me how life is not as serious as I see it sometimes, and he keeps me grounded. He makes me a better person. Those are the kinds of things I find attractive.

Jen aka Huckdoll of Huckdoll’s Hood. Ha! Anyone that knows me, knows I love the boys! Specifically of the nice body, tattooed, skater or snowboarder, badass variety. That said, those guys are 99% of the time idiots and the moment they open their mouths, I am turned off.

As I’ve grown older, my taste in males has changed A LOT. I love guys with shining personalities – funny, smart, witty, talented. I would chose a guy with something to offer the world over a hottie covered in tattoos any day of the week.

Luckily, Baby Daddy is a reformed skater and bad ass who “got learned” and is now working for the largest video game developer in the world. That place is filled with geeks, but those guys have chicks hanging off them like crazy. Geek/nerd is pretty hot these days!

Shannon aka Mr. Lady of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup. Physical attraction is huge. It’s unavoidable, and a big part of what brings people together. By that, I don’t mean every girl is looking for Brad Pitt. I believe that people are, for lack of a better word, magnetically drawn to each other, genetically speaking. I believe that on some molecular level, we all have a perfect PHYSICAL match. I believe this is what brings the two people together who are both dormant carriers of some weird, rare genetic defect that manifests in their children; their bodies sought each other out. I, being a hairy girl, have always been pulled towards hairy men. Like, BACK HAIRY men. I can’t help it; it’s just what I crave.

I think once we get past that original physical pull, start brushing our teeth in front of each other and kick out a kid or two, we just get sloppy. The relief that we, as women, feel, when we can finally take those awful stilettos off and get in our Crocs, trumps all reason. I think it’s the same for guys. You can stop sucking in the gut and fart whenever you want. You’ve got that magic piece of paper that says she’ll love you anyway.

Once you’re married for a while, well, everything just changes. You grow, you age, your views shift, and your relationship takes several large hits to the gut. You can’t stop it from happening, but the one thing you can hold onto, the one thing that can take you back to that place when you first met and fell in love, is what you look like. With a brush of the hair and the right shirt, my husband can be that 25-year-old boy again. Maybe there’s a little gray mixed in there, and maybe he wears a larger belt, but the effort he puts into his appearance can still give me the same butterflies. Which pays off well for him, if you know what I mean.

What it comes down to, for me, is that I like to know that he cares enough, that I am important enough, for him to do the occasional sit-up. He and I could easily sit around all day in sweat pants, but when I put a bit of makeup on, and he wears his shirt with those great cuff links, it’s a small way to say, “I love you, and having you look at me like that still matters.”

Piper aka Piper of Love of Bliss in Bloom. I like men who look like men. I’m not attracted to pretty boys, at all. I think men should have muscles, and scars, and a big smile. I’m not attracted to outside appearance much…unless it’s Ami James, or Dave Grohl, then DAY-YUM!!

I look for kissable lips, nice hands, strong arms, and depth of character. They say that the brain is the biggest sex organ, and I agree. So, he’s got to be smart, and use his brain to get my attention. I like a guy who is a little aggressive, knows what he wants, and goes for it.

Confidence is sexy. And, integrity is an unbelievable turn on.

Lori aka Mrs. Discovering Dad. Is this a trick question? Are you asking about your appearance or mine? Not to sound shallow and narcissistic, but I probably think about, assess, evaluate, and stress over my own appearance about forty times more than I think about yours. I want to look good for me, and for you. I know that you can roll outta bed and throw on some jeans and still be hot. My look is, uh, more cultivated. It requires more effort, in case you hadn’t noticed.

When a relationship begins, appearances are extremely important in influencing attraction, and even dictating compatibility. Remember when we were HOT, honey? I mean SMOKIN’ hot, waiting for the day in the future when our MILF and DILF status would kick in?

Well, fast forward 10 years…our looks have “evolved” into something less than expected, but I think we are still pretty fine, in our own way. And, we’ve made some damn cute kid(s). On a scale of importance, especially after marriage and kids…appearance is probably a 6 outta 10.

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Any other moms who want to share your thoughts on the importance of physical appearance, please do – we dads are all ears!

Alright Dads (and any other readers) – it’s time for you to speak. What do you think about the importance of physical appearance in yourself? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? Is your wife or significant other repulsed by you? Do you care about looks at all, or is it irrelevant?

Part 3 of the series continues tomorrow with our panel sharing What Moms Really Think About SEX. This was a contentious topic in a previous post, and it seemed like there were a lot of opposing points of view. Come back tomorrow to see what our panel thinks!

Related Posts:

What Moms Really Think About Marriage – The Good, Bad & Ugly (Part 1 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About – A Series for Dads (Series Intro)
Do’s & Don’ts of Motivating Dad (Series Instigator)

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