Dads and Daughters – Make a Decision Already
This article written by Contributing Writer Matt Pfingsten.
I usually sprinkle my posts with apologies and disclaimers designed to absolve myself of horrible wrongdoings and complete obliteration of everything that can be remotely considered good parenting. But this time I actually know what I’m talking about. I make mistakes when parenting.
This particular post, while wrapped loosely around being a dad with a daughter, is more about being a husband who learned how to strengthen my relationship with my wife by finally getting over my insecurities of raising a girl and making some real parenting decisions on my own.
As a man in what I would consider to be the traditional male role in the household, I had a tendency to not only question every decision I made regarding the care of my daughter, but to depend on my wife to provide all of the answers. In doing this, while I thought I was simply minimizing error and doing things correctly by asking questions, I was actually creating a burden for my wife and behaving like a second child.
It took me a good year to figure out that, when she left the house to have her nails done, she didn’t necessarily want to answer three phone calls asking, “Where are the Spaghettios?” or “Is she supposed to have this little soft spot on top of her head?” or “She just threw up. What outfit should I put her in now?” I got my “escape” at the office all day, and she needed hers once in a while, too. I was not allowing her any space because I was afraid to make decisions with my daughter.
One day, I had an epiphany. My wife was running errands, and I was standing in the kitchen. My daughter was crying manically from hunger and I was staring, flummoxed, at a package of lean ground beef, a half-eaten Chunky and a can of condensed milk on the counter. One hand was scratching my head, the other clutching the phone tightly, ready to dial my wife. Suddenly, a calm fell over me and I thought to myself, “What am I doing? I’m a thirty-something man and all of a sudden I can’t figure out how to prepare a meal? When did this happen?” I lived on my own for years. I can wash and fold laundry, I can cook, I even (shh…don’t tell my wife) know how to clean. Why was I being so dependent?
From that day on I stopped calling. I realized that, even if I get it wrong, its better to give my wife a break and deal with the consequences later. The thing is, there usually aren’t any consequences. The very thing I was concerned about, my wife coming home and suffering a conniption upon finding my daughter wearing pajama shorts, a Dodgers hat and floaties, ended up not happening at all. In fact, she actually seemed more cheerful and appreciative of being able to spend time away free from interruption than she would have been had I asked her which outfit to put on.
The art of making decisions is an important one to learn. As guys, we manage to get ourselves dressed, fed and off to work each and every day. Doing so for a little one is no different. The important thing is just to be confident in your own personal style of parenting and make decisions. Even if you screw it up, your wife will appreciate that she doesn’t have to treat you like a child as well.
Thanks for listening. I’m off to go prepare chicken nuggets with french fries, hash browns and a side of mashed potatoes – it may not be the best meal, but at least I know how to cook it without asking for any help!
Do you rely on your wife to make all decisions about your daughter? What did it take for you to learn the art of making decisions with your daughter? Please share your successes and mistakes.
Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is The Playpen. You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.
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Comment by Audubon Ron on 29 June 2009:
What are you brain dead from all the testosterone? Man, get a grip. Take everything you ever knew about roles and dump it. As much as I hate to say, get in touch with your feminine side dude. The little girl, she hangs on daddy for a reason. And one day, you’ll have to let her go to a young man who will claim he loves her. Your mission is to let her love you and she will come round to finding someone very much like daddy. So, while you’re cooking dinner, and changing diapers and loving her, if you like beef jerky, give her beef jerky. She can hang. Really not necessary to make her something fru-fru like. My advice, get in touch with your feminine side and buy her G-Loomis rod and a really nice Shimano reel and get her a fishing license young and teach her how to put a worm on the hook. That’s feminine right? She will be the bestest fishing buddy you got her real soon dude.
Audubon Ron´s last blog ..Bucket Head
Comment by Audubon Ron on 29 June 2009:
… and PS if you’re in to bird hunting get her a Remington 870 pump. That will teach her about what to look for in a man. Very durable.
Audubon Ron´s last blog ..Bucket Head
Comment by Pinoy Daddy on 29 June 2009:
Funny thing is, when it comes to raising kids and maneuvering around the house, the wife seems to know everything. She seems to have a mental map of where everything has been kept and the details remains vivid in her mind.
Though we live in the same house, it seems that she knows how to navigate through the house better than we do.
Perhaps, it is because women are more into the maintenance of peace and order in the household. While I am enjoying the pampering and the freedom of being able to lounge around when at home while she takes care of the family needs, there is a feeling of guilt that runs through my spine as I was reading this…
Pinoy Daddy´s last blog ..Kids Need A Father Figure
Comment by Giulia Relation on 29 June 2009:
Congratulations for the growing up part on your side!
For what it’s worth, not only men fear that they can’t properly take care of a daughter but women feel the same about a son, and this is mostly because they fell like they can’t understand his needs. It will pass in time though.
Giulia Relation´s last blog ..Et le lendemain…
Pingback by The Playpen » Blog Archive » Redirects And Flames And Plugs, Oh My! on 29 June 2009:
[...] though I post so infrequently that I think Jer may want to give me the boot, I did manage to get this one to him. Check it out, Discovering Dad is just [...]
Comment by Matt on 29 June 2009:
@Audubon Ron – Brain dead? Absolutely, but I’m not sure if its from testosterone or beer. Probably some combination of both. And I completely agree with everything you said (even though I admittedly cringed a little at the “claims he loves her” part…NOT ready for that!)
Maybe I’ll give the fishing idea a shot. Except that worms are gross and yucky and I don’t think I can bring myself to touch one.
Comment by Mr Lady on 29 June 2009:
Ron, stop picking on Matt. *smacks hand*
Matt, I think this might be my favorite post you’ve ever written. How true that it’s so hard to take on the responsibility of failure. I do the same thing with The Donor, just not with the kids. But if I’m at the store shopping for the week or at the golf course trying to choose the right lessons, you bet your ass I’m on the phone with him making him decide everything for me. Because I get intimidated by the idea of making the decisions that seem to fall into “his” category. His response every time? Make a decision, woman. And you know what? I think he respects me a little more when I do, even if it ends up being the wrong one.
Comment by Daddy Geek Boy on 29 June 2009:
Man, I know this well. I call it the “domestic coma”. We just get dumb. Things that I used to know…things that I should know just go right out the window. Why is that?
Comment by Jeremy on 29 June 2009:
Hey Lady – no smacking the customers!
My wife and I actually have the opposite problem – we don’t ask each other for input often enough, rather we just make the decisions and ask for forgiveness later if one of us disagrees. Sometimes, it’s a little competitive, but it works for us. I don’t think she feels like I’m a child to her, but I do think we need to do a better job of communicating at times in order to make sure we feel like a united parenting team.
This whole parenting and marriage thing is a constant learning process – thanks for sharing everyone!
Comment by RobMonroe on 29 June 2009:
I never believed that my wife was the end all and be all about our child decisions, so that is how I started making the decisions. I’m the asshole dad that demanded an end to breastfeeding at less than 8 weeks because everyone was being made miserable. I’m the dad that gets my daughter dressed and fed every morning, and makes sure she has whatever she needs for both daycare and home. She is our daughter, not mine or hers.
The gender stereotypes do not, and can not work in my house. I know how to, and do, clean, cook, mow, read and change diapers. My struggle is the opposite – letting go of potty training to my wife. It’s really hard not to step in, make it happen and move on. The balance to that is that I have to live with BOTH of them the rest of my life, not just one or the other.
RobMonroe´s last blog ..Dear Abby – You’re Two
Comment by Mr Lady on 29 June 2009:
Jeremy, I assure you, Ron likes it. Overly.
Comment by Audubon Ron on 29 June 2009:
Jeremy, I been getting smacked around from Shannonruski for years now.
Audubon Ron´s last blog ..Bucket Head
Comment by Matt on 29 June 2009:
I never imagined when writing this that it would turn Jeremy’s lovely, family-oriented site into a den of violence. So much smacking!
@Mr Lady – You’re right. Sometimes it comes down to something as simple as wanting Aline to just CHOOSE what food we are going to order on a particular night. I don’t even care if what she picks would have been my last choice. Its just nice to not think about it once in a while. Thanks for getting my back, too
@Pinoy Daddy & Daddy Geek – Also right, both of you. The second my wife and I moved in together, the part of my brain that locates the peanut butter just shut off. It could be sitting in my lap and I still wouldn’t see it.
@Giulia Relation – Glad to hear it works the other way too. And I never actually thought about whether or not, when my son gets a little older, if Aline will worry about making decisions based on not being able to relate to life as a male as well as I do. Interesting perspective, indeed.
@Jeremy – Great. Way to make us all look like dummies.
I’m calling you out. 5 seconds to find the Desitin. GO!
Comment by Jeremy on 29 June 2009:
Desitin? I just use shed spread or plumber’s putty – it’s the same thing isn’t it!?!
Comment by Paul de G on 12 July 2009:
As a separated Dad, you learn fairly quickly that you can no longer afford to be dependent on anyone else. Our daughter certainly appreciates the effort that her Dad makes, tentative though it is at times. The nurturing side of men is more than up to the challenge in my experience. Certainly, my daughter quickly lets me know when I have done something wrong. Father’s parenting decision-making will improve if given the chance.
Comment by Chris on 26 July 2009:
As a Dad to be, who has a baby girl due in the next few weeks, I just wanted to thank you for the article, some of us may be a little slow in the decision making department (me included) but it is only because we don’t want to screw up!
Chris´s last blog ..How to Choose a Stroller
Comment by the man, the dad and the husband on 13 December 2009:
My wife is a neonatal ICU nurse (sick newborns) so she outranks me by about 100. It just seemed very natural for her to be the authority.. After all, when our house needs a new computer, that’s my job.
What changed? I realized with fishing and science stuff that I provide a LOT to my child that my wife can’t. It was kind of empowering just like I am sure it is to my wife when she does medical teaching or baking with my kid (I am clueless on those).
I think my wife and I both decided at that point that we didn’t want our kid to be one that wouldn’t eat anything unless it was the way mommy made it for example. We wanted her to be comfortable with things being different since they will be in real life.
That being said, I remember the dread of the beat-down when my wife came home and I had decided not to give our kid a bath that night. I was so relieved when I said “we’re fishing in the morning, we’ll bathe after that” and she only replied “just don’t let me hear that she went to church with hair like that”.
the man, the dad and the husband´s last blog ..Man, dad and husband – Making Ornaments