Depression Sucks – One Dad Shares his Story

September 17th, 2008 • Related • Filed Under

This is a guest post by Anthony Davis. This post has to do with the serious issue of depression and the damaging effects it can have on a person’s life and family.

Depression sucks. It sucks the life out of a person. Going untreated it can affect not only you but also those you care about the most. Your family and friends may not know what it is about you that makes you the way you are unless you tell them. Most people who have depression never seek help and go through life with a black hole in the pit of their soul.

Some people do not realize they have depression and think that life has just been unfair to them. One day they believe they will get a break from feeling bad if they can just land that dream job, buy a nice house and car, or get married and have kids. The value that our society puts on those things is something that most of us think will make us happy and the “blues” will fade away.

It’s just not that simple for people with depression. I know. I am one of them.

I have spent most of my life dealing with my depression alone. Alone with my thoughts about how I became depressed, how I could fix it on my own, and how I failed to get better every single time. Each attempt I made to try and better myself mentality, physically, spirituality, or emotionally, and did not succeed made it worse. Depression sucks. It sucked the life out of me and left me a shell of a person who became afraid to fail and afraid to succeed.

I eventually stopped trying. I gave up my attempts on some levels to improve my personal well-being and continued self-medicating with alcohol to numb my head and forget about how messed up it was. I focused on my kids and lived vicariously through them each day knowing they were happy and have never dealt with, and hopefully never will, the illness that was silently poisoning me inside. I continued to distract myself from my thoughts in any way I could find.

Nothing ever worked.

Earlier this year my wife asked me if I was depressed. I lied and said no. I wish I had taken that opportunity and walked through the door she opened for me, but I was still afraid. It wasn’t until recently when I was faced with the reality that my wife was unhappy being married to me and wanted a divorce that I was finally able to tell her. I never once thought our marriage could end up in divorce. She is the love of my life – the woman I want by my side as I we grow older.

After getting the worst wakeup call I could ever imagine I confessed to my wife the secrets that I was scared to tell anybody. I wanted her to know why I am the way I am, which is the person she didn’t want to be with. It was time to stop protecting myself and ask for help. I told her about the sexual abuse from my childhood and the depression that soon followed. It was the first time in 25 years those words ever left my mouth. There were many late nights where I sat alone on the back porch drinking, crying, smoking cigarette after cigarette, while attempting to find the courage to wake her up and tell her everything. I chickened out each time. I was afraid of having to deal with the trauma and depression I had been burying deep inside of me, so I kept hiding the truth.

Now I am no longer hiding from it and have started getting help. The first thing I did was put an end to the nightly drinking since self-medicating the pain wasn’t necessary anymore, nor was it working. I was finally able to get in to see a counselor to help me get back into a happy place again. I also went to my doctor, was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and am now taking medication – something I wanted to try years ago to see if it helped. My wife and I also began marriage counseling to find out if we can start our union over the right way and make it last. The damage has been done and our old marriage is dead. Finding out if we can have a new marriage is something that we both want to know. The love is there but so are the wounds.

The reason I’m sharing all of this with the readers here at Discovering Dad is to help raise awareness about depression and start a discussion on the subject. As I mentioned earlier, many people who are depressed never seek help. Most estimates I have read say only 30% of people overall get treatment for depression. The percentage is even lower for men.

Six million men in America are diagnosed with depression every year. Millions more than that do not get help. As men, we have this preconceived notion that depression is just a feeling that we can beat. Because we are men, most of us think we should be strong enough to deal with it and move on. For me that was the case and I was wrong.

I know I can beat this illness now by getting the help I need. I will be putting more effort into doing so than I have ever done with anything else in my life. By healing myself I will be able to be a better man, father, husband, son, brother, and friend.

Are you depressed? Here is a list of symptoms. Some people only experience a few of these symptoms at times but some people suffer from many of them frequently.

• Do you feel sad, anxious, or “empty” inside?
• Are there feelings of guilt, worthlessness, pessimism, or hopelessness in your life?
• Do you have trouble concentrating, making decisions, or remembering things?
• Do you get irritable very easily?
• Do you sleep too much or not enough?
• Are there pleasurable activities and hobbies you once enjoyed that you have lost interest in?
• Is your body in chronic pain or do you have headaches or digestive disorders?
• Have there been changes in your weight or appetite?
• Is it hard to control your negative thoughts?
• Do you self-medicate with drugs or alcohol to “get away” from your thoughts?
• Have you noticed that you isolate yourself from family and friends?
• Do you have frequent crying spells?
• Has suicide ever crossed your mind?

If you are reading this and you think you may be suffering from depression, then I encourage you to go see someone who can help. If you know you are suffering from depression and are keeping it a secret like I did, then I ask that you take a good look inside yourself and find out if that is the way you want to live the rest of your life.

I first realized I was depressed many years ago and never got help. Those years could have been much happier if I had found the courage within myself to face the things in my life that needed to be dealt with. The longer you wait the farther you fall into that black hole, and it is much harder to get out. Learn from my mistakes and don’t hide your problems. Throw your pride out the window and take back control of your life. Get help before you receive the wakeup call that I did. Nobody wants to lose the ones they love.

If you are depressed and thinking about suicide then please call someone for help. Call Hopeline at 1-800-SUICIDE or any other hotline and talk to somebody. I’ve seen first hand what suicide does to family and friends and there is always a better option. Life is a precious thing.

Depression sucks, but you don’t have to let it suck the life out of you.

Anthony Davis is a husband, father and fellow Dad blogger who asked permission to write this article under a pseudonymn, so that his family would not be identified during or after this discussion. I (Jeremy – publisher of Discovering Dad) assure you that he is genuine, real and sincere, and I respect his courage in sharing his story. As a parent, if you suffer from depression, your family and kids notice your moods and behavior, so please reach out to your doctor and take action. I appreciate anyone else who is willing to share your story or insights in the comments here as well, and thanks for talking about this important issue.

Popularity: 13% [?]

Share and Enjoy:

If you're new here, you may want to Subscribe to my RSS Feed. Thanks for visiting!

Standing Firm – Cutting: One Dad’s Story of Intervention

Make Time for Yourself – Know When to Tap Out

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

On FriendFeed, this post was liked by 0 people and commented on 0 times show

There Are 14 Responses So Far. »

Comment by Elliott - 21st Century Dad on 17 September 2008:

Thank you for highlighting such an important issue. I’ve suffered through bouts of depression throughout my life. I don’t hide it or lie if asked about it.

Although I never turned to substance abuse (with the exception of cigarettes), other behaviors were just as effective at derailing my college education, sending my finances into a tailspin, alienating friends and family, and diminishing the quality of life. I was no better off than those who self-medicated.

There is always something positive you can glean from any experience. I learn a lot about myself and others through the ups and downs of life. I value the insights I’ve gained and the lessons learned. I wouldn’t trade them for a life of blissful ignorance.
Comment by RightThereWithYou on 18 September 2008:

Man, this article really spoke to me. I have suffered from depression most of my adult life, from minor to severe, it has always been around. It is even more difficult to deal with 1) there is no root cause (like abuse) that you can pinpoint to and work on fixing, it’s just chemical… and 2) you are self employed and don’t have the insurance for the medication you so desperately need…
Comment by Ryan on 18 September 2008:

This is a really important issue, and something I’ve thought about a lot as I’ve wondered if I were depressed. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of self-control, or controlling my emotions. That is the case with me but I know it’s not the same for everyone. Whether you choose medication or not, there is immediate relief and help in, like the author said, letting go of pride and becoming self-aware of the situation. Sharing it with others often helps us see it that way. That step is critical in starting down a new path.

Ryans latest discovery was..Work And Burnt Muffins Stink
Comment by russ on 18 September 2008:

I’ve been battling depression for ten years. I actually started fighting back about seven years ago; I left a draining job and started counseling and taking my prescriptions.

As these days get darker and more dreary, not just the weather but also the economy and political climate, it’s going to be tough to maintain a sunny disposition. Talking about your problems can be helpful.

Please get some help, if you’re suffering from depression.

russs latest discovery was..Fly-ridden corpse
Comment by tom on 18 September 2008:

I would add my voice to those who urge folks to get help.

My brother had depression, but back in the early 1980’s, we didn’t understand what that meant. He went undiagnosed, living out a miserable life that we were unable to fully comprehend. We didn’t have any clue how to approach him about it, let alone find him help.

He finally ended his life before he turned 26, and the rest of us have felt the loss ever since. We got a wake up call about how important it is to deal with depression early. We just got it too late.

toms latest discovery was..Shades of the Past
Comment by VegasDad on 18 September 2008:

Great article. Sometimes I feel depressed. I don’t know if it’s just a moment of melancholy or something that maybe chronic and need medical attention. But this article makes me think.

VegasDads latest discovery was..random act of posting
Pingback by THE FATHER LIFE | The Men’s Magazine for Today’s Fathers » Blog Archive » FRIDAY ROUND-UP! Juggle Family and Career, Osbournes, Depression + More! on 19 September 2008:

[...] DEPRESSION SUCKS – ONE DAD SHARES HIS STORY (Discovering Dad) [...]
Comment by RightThereWithYou on 19 September 2008:

VegasDad, at least talk to someone about it. I remember in college, I started seeing a psych, I would go in, take a short quiz on my mood, talk for an hour, etc. I started to see some results from it too. It’s tough for me to talk much on that level, I can be withdrawn sometimes. I always joke that I have had the conversation in my head already, why do I need to have it again with someone else..but it helps. I remember taking that little quiz one day and the doctor asking what had happened..my scores had bottomed out that day and I was showing to be severely depressed. I kind of chuckled and simply told her that I finally answered the questions honestly. She was shocked to find out that I fell that way every day. I wish I know why, I don’t..it has always just been there.
Comment by Tara R. on 21 September 2008:

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you are finally able to talk with someone and are on the road to recovery. I wish great happiness for you and your wife, and hope you find your way back to each other.

Tara R.s latest discovery was..Smörgåsbord Sunday
Comment by Raging Dad on 21 September 2008:

I was very glad to see this article on Discovering Dad. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for about four years now. It is very hard, and I applaud raising the issue. Good luck to the author, it sounds like he is taking a very healthy approach to overcoming the challenge.

Raging Dads latest discovery was..My blog will corrupt your mind, evidently
Pingback by Depression Sucks - One Dad Shares His Story « Sharing the Journey on 23 September 2008:

[...] with one of the best pieces I’ve read in awhile about a personal journey through depression. Click here to read it for yourself. Kudos to the dad who wrote this story – I know the emotions behind putting your journey into words [...]
Comment by Shawna on 1 October 2008:

As a mental health professional and as someone who had post-partume depression, I want to thank you for publishing this article. One thing that should be clarified is that medication often does not fully begin working for up to 2 weeks from the day you begin taking it. Please have patience…which I know from experience is hard, but it will be worth it!
Pingback by Everything Family Issue 6 on 2 October 2008:

[...] Neal presents Depression Sucks – One Dad Shares his Story posted at Discovering [...]
Comment by Jonathan on 17 June 2009:

I have very bad depression, pretty much the whole list and then some that is mentioned above, but minus the drinking (i don’t drink and if i did i would be dead and being negative is something i know better about so i fight and be positive as much as possible if not once again i would be dead) and the depression as ruined my life, i have lost relationships over it, i can’t work because of it and i did see help for it right away, in fact i was seeing a few doctors about it, they tried to medicate me, didn’t work or hardly worked, i was around 18-19 at this point.
Now when i say i had depression, it was bad, killing myself would come up time and time again, i felt horrid but im a very strong person, only reason im alive right now.
But i looked into it, i know all about how the medical community works and how they sell there “pills” and out of all the doctors and professions, you know what? i cure myself! yup! i did it!
i used vitamins, noni juice and i worked out/trained, i ate what i was suppose too eat and didn’t eat what i wasn’t suppose to eat, and before my diet wasn’t really bad either, and 1000’s of other other people have done this too!
If anyone tell you that you HAVE to take drugs for the rest of your life because of depression then you better have some kinda special case because its caused from what you don’t have in your body and thats vitamins and daily activity like training(or if you work a hard job that can help too) but the noni juice worked like a charm! incredible stuff, for the first week i felt not so great but thats because my body was detoxing then after that i felt good! one oz a day for every bottle your drinking, i got like 2, but even one is good, and the combination made life worth living, these aren’t mind altering drugs, even doctors and scientists yes with real degrees not bought off say this stuff is incredible, its even good if you burn yourself, 5 mins later the pains gone!
i don’t sell the stuff, i just tell people about how good it works and as for the vitamins? shaklee, the best quality you can get which is what i call the same as food vitamins, go ahead and goggle it, find out for yourself what the company is about, oh and its been around since the 40’s, and there the only vitamins i know of that actually work!
Your depressed because of the poisons in your body and your body doesn’t have the nutrition to deal with it, best too stay away from whats bad and bring in whats good!
Tried, tested and true!
The only way you can truly be happy is if you don’t abuse your body and take care of it, and it takes care of you and your mind and emotions, worked for me and its worth a try!
here is where you can buy some noni juice or google it for a location closer too you, this kind is the best (there are always other brands that are shoddy) http://www.nonijuicecentral.com/prodjuice.htm
im not selling any of this, this is not spam this is education, heck people talk about going too the doctor and having drugs sold too them in that case anyone who talks about drugs are pushing that, so what im doing is no different except im not making profit, im giving you all the chance i got and took and there isn’t a better way to live!
http://www.shaklee.com
Ps: if your low on money, at least get the noni juice, if i had the money i would buy it all for you.
remember your not sad because of a lack of drugs, its a lack of life for your body, mind and there for emotions!