Do I Make My Kids’ World Bigger or Smaller?
When I was growing up, I was always the daredevil of the neighborhood. I had no fear. I was also slightly accident prone, which didn’t mix well with my willingness to constantly step out on the edge. I had several hundred stitches and multiple broken bones by the time I was 10 years old.
My parents tried to protect me, but they also gave me the freedom to explore. My world was big, and I lived each day looking forward to the next adventure. These adventures were not the kind you experience on Wii or PS3, they were the real thing.
Now that I’m a parent of 3 kids ranging from 3 months to 14 years old, I wonder if the world I allow my kids to see is big enough. Do I show them something new every day? Do I encourage them enough to go outside and explore? Or, do I let them play video games, surf the Net and watch TV in order to keep them confined to a space where I’m certain I can protect them?
The fearlessness I had as a child is gone. Now that I’m a parent, I’m scared for my kids all of the time.
I don’t want my kids to break a leg three times. I don’t want my kids to experience the excruciating pain of two compound fractures. I don’t want my kids to bust their head open and break their nose so many times that their face looks like the aftermath of ten rounds with Mike Tyson - ear biting and all (yes, one of my ears was cut in half too). And I definitely don’t want my kids, especially my girls, to know what it’s like to have a tree branch puncture their chest and have a nipple hanging on by a shred of skin.
All of these things and more happened to me when I was a kid. The nipple thing happened the day I got out of the hospital from a two week stay due to a severe allergic reaction to penicillin. I begged my parents to let me go outside and play, since I was cooped up in a white room with no friends for what seemed like an eternity. They acquiesced and let me go out for “one hour,” which was just long enough for me to find some friends, get dared to climb a tree, fall out, rip my nipple off and run home with what looked like a bullet wound to the chest.
I distinctly remember my mom’s reaction when I threw open the front door with blood all over me screaming, “My tit fell off! My tit fell off!” “I’m gonna kill you boy!” she said, “If you get hurt one more time, I’m gonna kill you!” Confused and somewhat shocked, I looked to my dad for his reaction, which I think was laughter at my insistence about losing a titty. I had driven them both insane.
I’m not sure if I’m capable of handling the kinds of things I put my parents through, all in the name of adventure and childhood wonderment. Maybe it’s because I’m older than my parents were at comparable stages of parenthood. They were young (18 and 19) and the world was still a big place for them too, only they had an audacious little boy along for the ride with them.
Maybe I’m not afraid at all - it could just be that I’m at a point in my life where I appreciate peace more than adventure. After all, I’ve done a lot of things and been a lot of places. I’m content and happy. Why should I push them? It takes more energy on my part to do so. Something about that logic doesn’t seem right to me though. I should want them to have a greater world view than me and to experience even more things than I have done.
Perhaps it’s because I lost my first child, or the fact that all of my kids have been through some kind of premature birth problems. The most recent experience with my newborn daughter Caitlin was enough to make me want to lock all of the kids in the house and shelter them from all of the pain in the world.
But then, without the pain, how would they know when they’re experiencing the good stuff? I would never deprive them of those precious memories. After all, I never let any of the trauma I experienced as a child hold me back from the next adventure.
The bad things that happened to me back then had little effect on my view of the world. I was invincible, in spite of the many reminders to the contrary. I was just a boy, but I was mighty. I may have been only a child, but I was also a warrior or superhero in my mind. I particularly liked He-Man, “I have the power!” There was no place I wouldn’t go, and nothing I wouldn’t at least try.
My kids don’t act that way, and I don’t push them to be something that they’re not. I realize they have their own personalities, wants and desires. I never want to be the dad who tries to relive his youth through his kids. In some respects, I’m thankful they have some fear in them, although I wonder if they would be less afraid if I did things differently with them.
Would they want to explore the world more if I didn’t protect them from so many things? Not that I’m planning on going any where, but what would they do if they were free from me?
The real question on my mind is: Do I make my kids’ world bigger or smaller?
My parents made the world big for me. I guess I’ll have to wait until my kids are older to find out if I am doing the same for them. For the time being though, I need to let them go more often. It’s good for them to explore the world and try new things. I’ll watch from a distance, begrudgingly at first. I have to let them go though - I have to set them free - to see that the world is full of things much bigger than me.
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Comment by Mr Lady on 17 August 2008:
Gawd, I could write a whole post as a response. It’s balance, dude. I think it’s just balance. We can’t let our kids just go run wild; the world has changed. At the same time, they are a different generation. Their minds are developing faster than ours ever did. They want to know things we couldn’t have dreamed of knowing.
It’s balance.
I’m not saying I have an answer, just that I also struggle with this. I think it is potentially harder now to let their world’s open up, because, well, for example, my kids walk to school or take the city bus, and NONE of my neighbors would EVER let their kids do that. My kids walk to the store alone to get treats. My neighbors could DIE. See, it’s harder. It’s not the norm to not bubble wrap your kids.
Man, I’m taking up your whole comment section.
I’ll just quote the wisest person I’ve ever heard, and be done:
“You can’t let nothing ever happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Nemo.”
Mr Ladys latest discovery was..Rate the Hate the Pot Luck Edition
Comment by Whit on 17 August 2008:
I find myself stopping my boys fairly often out of fear, and it is always something I would have done 10x worse when I was their age. The shoe is on the other foot and I now realize what I put my parents through.
Whits latest discovery was..Per Mitch’s Request
Comment by GeekMommy on 17 August 2008:
There is no right answer.
There’s only feeling it out as you go along and hoping that your child grows up well despite you.
I argue this with myself every day. *Every* day. And as my daughter gets older, it gets harder.
She starts Kindergarten in a week and a half, and I’m trying to figure out what age it’s perfectly okay for her to take herself to the ladies room and back in a restaurant. She could do it - but what about predators? What about someone coming over and saying “how dare you let a child this young roam around by herself?”
There’s just no easy answer.
Or no textbook answer anyways.
I never broke a bone until I moved away from home - and the first one I did was from punching a wall at 19. Will my daughter? Maybe. Lots of kids do. But she’s not a climber (fear of heights) and she’s more of a princess than I was (I lived in trees, on edges, in rafters) so maybe not. She’s certainly less of a tomboy than I ever was.
You just have to do the best you can - judge each situation and make the best call you can.
But most of all? You have to admit when you mess up and apologize for it… because for now, it is your call. When they’re adults, they get to own all of their own mistakes.
Hang in there - questioning yourself means you’re doing a better job than those who just assume they’re doing it right!
Comment by Mark David Gerson on 17 August 2008:
I agree with all the comments so far. Certainly, one of the biggest gifts of parenthood for me has been a deeper compassion for and understanding of my own parents and their fears for me. Another of the gifts has been the realization that there is no rule book here (anymore than there is anywhere else!).
I believe all we as parents can do, as GeekMommy says, is do the best in each moment, recognizing that we’re never going to get it objectively right. How can we, where there is no objective right!?
I am also constantly reminding myself that many of the things my daughter wants to do (or eat), I did too, as a kid. I made it (somehow!)…and so will she!
Thanks, Jeremy, for another great post.
Mark David Gersons latest discovery was..Trust. Now.
Comment by James Austin on 17 August 2008:
Great post Jeremy. Those are questions that I wonder about as Luke (my first) grows into toddlerhood. I think that we, as parents, know where that balance is and where it is comfortable with us. It will be interesting to see how Mrs. LIAYF and I resolve our differing levels of protection as well. Those with older kids have most likely dealt with that already, but that will be another thing to consider.
James Austins latest discovery was..Don’t Mess With Me!
Pingback by Return To Manliness Roundup: Ernest Borgnine Edition | Return To Manliness on 17 August 2008:
[...] Do I Make My Kids’ World Bigger Or Smaller? (@Discovering Dad) This really got me thinking about how I want to fit into and influence my new child’s life. Little Jackson is almost 5 months and I am already feeling like I am making mistakes all over. I want him to live every day to its fullest, but how do you balance? Tough topic and a great post. [...]
Comment by Jeremy on 17 August 2008:
I’m with Whit - I stop my kids from doing things that I did all the time as a kid. My wife says that it’s a different age and time now, and it’s more dangerous for kids now. I’m not so sure - I guess I agree with that in regards to Internet predators, but I also grew up in Atlanta for 8 years immediately following the Atlanta Child Killer’s 2 year killing spree. I think what I’m talking about is not whether or not I protect my kids from others (I hope that I do, as much as possible), but rather do I protect them too much from themselves???
Comment by Hygiene Dad on 17 August 2008:
Since the world is so different from the place I grew up, it’s hard to know from my experiences what is safe anymore. So many times as an adult, I look back and realize, “Holy crap was I lucky didn’t get hit by that train playing on the tracks…or put myself into the burn unit playing with matches.”
But did I become the responsible parent I am BECAUSE I learned from those things?
I can’t help wondering sometimes if I’m preventing my 6 year from learning lessons I did. Is our wisdom enough from stopping them from being hurt, or do people just have to learn?
It’s funny as adults, we talk about OUR scars, mentally and physically; broken bones, stitches, crazy old hobos in the park. I often wonder if my son will just talk about video games or playing within eyesight of his dad.
I can’t say I’m any different than you all listed above. Everyday, I worry something will happen to him and try to orchestrate things to prevent injury.
And then others days, I think back to the wisdom of Dory from Finding Nemo. “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.”
Wise words from a fish.
Hygiene Dads latest discovery was..The 4 x 9-Month Relay
Comment by Ed (zoesdad) on 17 August 2008:
I tend to shelter my kids–I guess we all to do some extent. I mean, no one wants to have their kids experience pain just to learn a life lesson. Really, my kids don’t need to walk across a bed of coals to learn that fire is hot–I’ve done that. It’s hot!
At the same time I don’t want my kids to be afraid of anything that life might toss in their direction. Cautious—but not afraid.
Ed (zoesdad)s latest discovery was..Expect a Call Later
Comment by NukeDad on 18 August 2008:
Get out of my head! I just had this conversation with my wife. I feel like I’m protecting them, but just recently I’ve begun to feel like I may be holding them back. I never wore a helmet when I rode my bike/skateboard/scooter/large neighborhood dogs, but I insist that my kids do. The only time I hit my head was the 8 times I needed stitches before I was 6 years old, after that; smooth sailin’. Oh, there was the mild concussion falling off of a skateboard going downhill at 30 mph, and the time I got hit by a car while on the back of a friends motorcycle….you know, I’m going to have to get back to you on this.
Comment by Jeremy on 18 August 2008:
Ed - where’s the line between being cautious and being over protective? I agree with what you said about not forcing them to learn things the hard way, but like Nuke said, I wonder if I’m not letting them experience enough things on their own without a push from me.
Comment by tom on 18 August 2008:
I was not overprotected as a child. My mom looked forward to the times when my brothers and I were out and far away so she could get some peace. Once, our nosy neighbor called her and said “Did you know your boys are jumping off the roof?” Without missing a beat, she said “At least they’re outside.”
No lie.
I’m sort of the same way - to a point. I expect my kids to get hurt. If they aren’t scraping knees, stubbing toes or getting poked by sticks then they’re not out there living life. Even though he’s only four, I think it’s okay for Michael to learn from some hard experience, like climbing on the back of the couch can lead to a very painful encounter with the hardwood floor.
As was said earlier, it’s a balance. Give them plenty of rope, but keep a firm hold of the other end.
toms latest discovery was..This is love.
Comment by NukeDad on 18 August 2008:
OK, I’m back. I believe that wisdom from your elders (parents) is great, but after thinking about it, I realized that most of the lessons I’ve learned in life have been on my own. That is to say that even though I KNEW they were telling me the truth, I didn’t fully believe it until I tried it myself. Didn’t matter what it was either.
I think the overprotectivness comes from knowing what the result is because we’ve already lived through it, but until your child/friend/spouse experiences the same thing for themselves, no amount of advice is going to convince them. It may make them think a little more about it, but they will still have to make the leap themselves.
I know that I’m making a concerted effort to “butt out” a little more these days. If I keep telling what they “can’t” do because I’m afraid they’ll hurt themselves, then they’ll never learn how to work through consequences on their own.
NukeDads latest discovery was..Time To Unpack
Comment by Tara R. on 18 August 2008:
What a fabulous question. I am of a generation of kids who would leave their house at daybreak and play outside God knows where, until God knows when. Today, I’m just know letting my 15yo do things I could do when I was 5. It’s a different world, but I too wonder what sorts of amazing adventures my kids have missed out on because I sought to protect them from perceived dangers.
(I must also admit I laughed out loud at the ‘my tit fell off’ part.)
Tara R.s latest discovery was..Is that a good ‘uh’ or a bad ‘uh’?
Comment by isabella mori on 19 August 2008:
great post.
this is quite significant for me. i grew up in germany, where people are still much more into letting their kids go. my oldest grew up in germany and south america (paraguay) until age 9. when he was 7, he took the subway all across berlin to get to his school. the adventures he had on the subway with his buddy are part of his most treasured childhood memories.
as an older “serial mother” (my kids are 35, 25 and 11), living in canada, where people are waaaay more protective than in germany and paraguay, i see myself getting more and more fearful. both my husband and i are trying to overcome that; i don’t think it’s in our youngest one’s best interest. but it’s interesting to see that i still nervously await her return from a safe 10-minute walk from her martial arts class.