Do It Because I Said So!

July 23rd, 2008 • Related • Filed Under

This is a guest post by Kevin from Return to Manliness.

I used to hear this all the time from my parents. As a new parent, I am certain I will be saying this at some point to my kids too.

As parents, we always want what’s best for our children. One of those things is to protect them at all costs. We will make imperative statements to them on a routine basis and not necessarily explain why we are making them.

We don’t do this to impose our will or to show we are smarter, bigger or more experienced than they are, but simply because we want to protect our children. This is not only noble, but necessary in today’s uncertain society.

Where things tend to go awry, though, is in the later teen years. When our well placed warnings and cautions may have been ingrained so deep into their psyche, it becomes extremely hard to unlearn them.

Put simply, we expect our kids to be well adjusted socially when it is time. We expect our kids to have lots of friends – to be able to meet and connect with new people. We want them to be well versed and be able to hold their own in social settings. Of course, we always want safety, but we also want them to explore – quite a contradiction when you think about it.

This is why one of the best gifts we can give our children at a very young age is a detailed reason why you are requesting something of them. “Just do it because I said so” might have long term affects we are trying to avoid. Not to mention it is unfair to the children to demand something of them without them knowing why. In order for them to learn, they need the reference points.

Giving your kids a detailed explanation when requesting something of them can make their adjustment from dependent mode to independent mode much easier. The explanation should help them understand there will be a time and place when this behavior will help them tremendously, but for now, they should listen to you.

Understand the Roadblocks

One of my favorite books of all time is Susan RoAne’s personal improvement and networking classic “How To Work A Room“. It puts razor focus on the act of, you guessed it, how to work a room and network in a situation where you don’t know anybody.

She calls early parental warnings “survival techniques” that worked a whole lot better when we were six than when we’re twenty-six. As we get older, we oftentimes forget to turn these lessons off. She says those safety warnings actually act as “roadblocks” to getting what we want later in life.

According to RoAne, the five major roadblocks we learned from our parents early on that may hinder our ability later in life are:

1. Don’t talk to strangers.
2. Wait to be properly introduced.
3. Good things come to those who wait.
4. Better safe than sorry.
5. He/she only wants one thing.

and, I would add a sixth:

6. Don’t/do touch that. You don’t want to get hurt do you?

I added this last one as it was commonplace in my household. I often credit this roadblock to making certain I will always have difficulty making my own decisions.

Techniques for overcoming roadblocks and turning your children into emotional giants has to be left for another post; however, one thing you can start doing to help your kids later in life is explaining why you want them to do certain things your way for now. They’ll have many choices of their own down the road, and as parents, we need to focus on equipping them to make good decisions, rather than only preventing them from making bad ones.

Explaining the reasons why doesn’t mean your kids won’t make mistakes, but it will probably work better at setting them up for success than if you only rely on the “Just do it because I said so” school of parenting.

Do you explain the reasons why you make rules, discipline or protect your child? If not, how’s that working for you? If so, have you seen changes in behavior and decision making abilities as they’ve grown? Please share your thoughts.

Kevin hosts and publishes a blog dedicated to helping men have manliness in today’s society. The blog is called Return To Manliness and one of the core themes of the site is that “being a dedicated father and husband is at the center of manliness.”

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There Are 14 Responses So Far. »

Comment by Susan RoAne on 23 July 2008:

What fun to come across Kevin’s post about my book…How To Work a Room! It made me smile and remember a few more of those bon mots from Dad and Mom. So many of these now cliched comments serve us well in adult life and taught us good manners and respect.My Dad was always pleasant, conversant and generous with waitstaff at restaurants. Although he never said to behave as such, I remember and try to emulate him. Funny thing about that, you get better service when you’re pleasant. THANKS for making my day! Dads, don’t stop saying what you need to say…they do “get through.”
Comment by Matt on 23 July 2008:

I have to admit I don’t often explain the rules to my daughter. Perhaps she is just too young still, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other when I tell her WHY something is dangerous. She just seems to want to find out for herself, and usually does, with grave circumstances.

Matts latest discovery was..The Playpen in Motion – Tuna Boats!
Comment by cory huff on 23 July 2008:

What a pet peeve of mine from childhood. I’m a naturally inquisitive person, with a bit of a rebellious streak, so the no explanation thing drove me crazy as a kid. The first time I say that to one of my kids I’ll probably be mortified and go bonk my head against a tree.
Comment by Timothy on 23 July 2008:

Yeah… I try to explain the rules to my daughter. Last night in fact. She has a bike and the rule is “don’t go past the mail box”. I was in front of the house cleaning out about 6 months worth of crap from my car.

“Don’t go past the mailbox”
“Why?”
“Because I need to be able to see you”
“Why?”
“Well, in case you fall.”
“I’ll be careful”
“There are cars that may not see you though”
“I’ll look out for them”
“How about drawing a nice picture with this chalk on the sidewalk?”
“Can I draw a picture over there?”
“No, just draw a pretty picture for mommy right here in front of our house”
“And then I can go past the mailbox?”
“No, I still need to be able to see you.”
“Why?”

“Look, just don’t go past the mail box.”
“Why?
“Because I said so.”

Timothys latest discovery was..Midnight Buffet for the Creepy-crawlies in the Garden
Pingback by My Daughter’s Adventurous Spirit « Experiences of an Inland Empire Dad on 23 July 2008:

[...] July 23, 2008 My Daughter’s Adventurous Spirit Posted by Timothy under Parenting There is a timely post over at Discovering Dad called “Do It Because I Said So!” [...]
Comment by Kevin (ReturnToManliness) on 23 July 2008:

@Susan – Your books have inspired me in so many ways. You have a wonderful style and your books will remain on my bookshelves for my kids to read someday.

@Cory/Matt/Timothy – And that is the trick…walk the line of knowing what is best for your child for obvious protection purposes while balancing the fact someday you will want them to unlearn some of these.

Kevin (ReturnToManliness)s latest discovery was..Return To Manliness Featured At Lucky Manival #13
Comment by tom on 23 July 2008:

I have to agree with the notion that sometimes it’s just not that easy to explain the WHY part or detail the reasons for the rules to kids, if they’re too young to really understand.

With toddlers, it’s easy. Just say no. You don’t even bother trying to explain why he shouldn’t pick up the book of matches or box of thumbtacks. He doesn’t understand.

When they get older, it gets more tricky. And trying to explain rules often just puts the kid into negotiating space, as illustrated above. They’ll try to split hairs with you and explain just why it is they should be above the rules.

This is a tricky thing and requires a lot of wisdom on the part of the parents, to know how much information to provide, to know how much trust to extend, and to know when to step in and say “this far and no further. End of discussion.”

And a kid may grow up being resentful about certain things, but hopefully with the wisdom that comes with age & having kids of their own, they’ll look back and realize just why the rules were there and went unexplained.

toms latest discovery was..Highlights from a Birthday Dinner
Comment by Diane on 24 July 2008:

@tom, I agree, it is a balancing act between explaining yourself and simply laying down the law.

What we do with our son (aged 7) is explain – once. As soon as it starts to turn into a negotiation, we let him know this is not open for discussion. We are willing to share our reason for the rule, but that doesn’t mean we’re willing to negotiate on the rule itself.

I think the other thing is, as your kids get more mature, to be open to discussion of the rules at times other than when a rule is being invoked – and make sure your kids know they can come to you to discuss without it turning into a shouting match. That allows a more rational, lower-pressure discussion of the whys and wherefores, and gives your kid an opportunity to present his case. Just make sure they know the final decision rests with the parents (*both* parents – no fair turning one parent into the “meanie” who plays by the book and letting the other be the “fun” parent who allows rules to be bent/broken).
Comment by Jeremy on 24 July 2008:

Great points Diane! One of my biggest pet peeves is when I see parents negotiating with kids on rules that are already set. I think it is confusing to the kids and sends the wrong message. Now, as you said, some of the rules may be modified or evolve over time, but not at the moment of enforcement.

I think the concept Matt is putting forward applies to both discipline and reinforcing positive behaviors. Kids need to know why the things they do right is so great. This will increase the potential of them repeating good behaviors again, and it will equip them for learning good habits in the future.

Great comments!
Pingback by Explaining to your child why you want what you are asking goes a long way | Return To Manliness on 24 July 2008:

[...] was graced with the honor to do guest post for the tremendous site, DiscoveringDad.net. Jeremy, author and publisher, shares his knowledge of fatherhood with great wit, charisma, and an [...]
Comment by Chuck on 24 July 2008:

This is an excellent post. We’ve managed to raise kids that question just about everything. Our three year old does more challenging than questioning but we understand she is just testing the limits.

Most days we welcome the questions for many of the reasons shared already. It is very important that kids have an opportunity to understand the WHY when a request or demand is laid down. We rarely spout out some new rule without first laying the ground work that led to it, or may result from it.

Chucks latest discovery was..Blame it on the big kids
Comment by Tara R. on 25 July 2008:

I have to admit that when my children were much younger I once uttered the words (in response to the umpteenth ‘why’) ‘Because in this house I am god!’ Now that they are both in their teens, I do go the way of explaining why I want them to do/don’t do something more often than not.

Tara R.s latest discovery was..Friday Blessings ~ 3.75
Pingback by Daddy’s Toolbox Carnival #4 | Daddy`s Toolbox on 11 August 2008:

[...] Neal presents Do It Because I Said So! posted at Discovering [...]
Comment by bianca alexa on 22 November 2011:

Parents want what is best for their children but sometimes our children respond differently, they could not get the point. Some parents could not even take care of their children and afraid that they might turn out to become troublesome as they reach their teenage years. Actually, parents send their teens in boot camps where they will be disciplined to become better individual. Try it; it could be effective to your teens as well.