Forgiveness is defined as the act of ceasing to feel resentment against an offender. It also means to pardon, or excuse an offense without exacting a penalty. It’s hard to forgive or pardon others who have wronged us, and forgiving ourselves for our own mistakes may be something even more difficult to do.

As parents, though, isn’t it our job to role model positive behaviors for our children that we want them to emulate? We teach them to be polite, courteous, respectful and generous, and we often take the approach of leading by example in these regards. Why then would teaching forgiveness be any different?

The problem with forgiveness is that offenses are hard to forget. I’m not talking about minor slights or back-handed insults - obsessing over these is petty and a waste of time. I’m talking about serious offenses, like abuse, neglect, abandonment, repression and discrimination. I’m talking about life-changing offenses that are certain to influence who you are as a person and a parent. I’m talking about those things that happened to you, or by you, that your kids may have witnessed or will have questions about as they grow up.

I’m asking what example you will set for your children when it comes to these major offenses in your life. Will you teach them forgiveness?

As it relates to my own life, I am the kind of person who is quick to forgive the offenses of others (and forget them), but I have an extremely hard time forgiving myself.

I have experienced physical assault, verbal lashings, emotional torment and spiritual warfare on the part of others. I have been the object of many serious offenses, and in some cases, I might have even done something to deserve them.

Regardless of the rationale, I am proud to say that I have forgiven every person who has wronged me in my life. I have forgiven them because I do not want to allow them to have any type of control over me - not now, not ever. I forgave them so that I could forget about them and move on with my life.

On the other hand, like most people, I have done some bad things in my life too. I have wronged others undeservedly; I have acted out in extreme anger against another; I have cheated; I have stolen; I have lied; and, I have failed to put the needs of others closest to me ahead of my own.

I have sinned against God, my family and myself, and in spite of my best efforts, I’ll probably do so again many times throughout the course of the rest of my life. Unlike my ability to forgive others, though, there are still things I have been unable to forgive in myself.

What does this example of forgiving others yet not myself teach my kids?

Sadly, I think it teaches them that forgiveness is conditional - it depends on the situation. The problem is conditional forgiveness means that you are making a conscious decision to allow something negative to have control over a part of your life.

It reinforces negative self-talk, and it damages your own self-image. More importantly, though, whether you like it or not, it limits your ability to love yourself (and others), and it is very likely that your kids are learning this behavior without you even realizing it.

I don’t want this behavior to be passed down from father to daughter(s) and son. I want my kids to be happy, to love themselves and to have a positive self-image. I want my kids to be free - free from the offenses from themselves and others. I want my kids to learn unconditional forgiveness, so that they can lead empowered lives filled with both joy and enthusiasm.

This doesn’t mean I expect them to always turn the other cheek when someone does them wrong. I encourage them to stand up for themselves and fight the good fight (figuratively and, if necessary, literally); however, it is more impressive to me when they are willing to let go of the anger before they act. Leading by example in this regard is something I am trying to do a better, and I do view it as my responsibility to teach them this concept in both words and actions.

Forgiveness is a hard thing to do no matter the offense or the offender. It requires maturity and confidence to pardon another for doing you wrong; and in my experience, it requires understanding and self-assurance to be able to forgive yourself.

How do you role model forgiveness for your kids?

Leave a comment with your thoughts or suggestions.

Sign up for NeverBlue Ads to monetize your blog or website.

If you're new here, you may want to Subscribe to my RSS Feed. Thanks for visiting!