*Disclaimer: This post is meant for moms who would like to help ‘good’ dads become even ‘better.’ If you really are married to a slack-ass-MF, then these tips might seem pointless. If you are one of those S-A-MF dads, for some reason the media thinks you represent all dads, which to me is extremely discouraging. Real men, no matter what their job is, do more than scratch their nuts and order their wives around.

I’m tired of reading articles that reinforce the stereotype of the slacker dad versus the supermom. As I’ve written before, there are many kinds of dads, just like there are many kinds of moms. Men are not genetically inept at child rearing or house work, and women are not automatically programmed with a motherly instinct or a genuine love of cooking and cleaning.

The majority of parents I know are partners, especially when it comes to raising the kids and taking care of the house. Each family distributes workload differently, and some are better at creating parity than others. In most cases, the mom is still the primary caregiver and head of domestic affairs, but this is becoming less and less the norm. The number of at-home dads is growing every year (Rebel Dad has a good stat collection).

Like any other role in life, being a good dad requires both internal and external motivation. In my opinion, the problem with many dads is a lack of self-motivation to excel in the role. Maybe they believe the stereotypes about men and parenting, or perhaps they lack self-confidence. More and more dads, though, are taking ownership over their parental role and choosing to act responsibly. Having said that, moms can inspire dads to take more initiative (or expand upon existing efforts). As in any relationship, though, some types of motivation work better than others.

The Dos and Don’ts of Motivating Dad to Get More Involved

Do Ask; Don’t Tell. How many people do you know who like to be told what to do? When my wife (or anyone else, for that matter) asks me to do something nicely, I am much more inclined to willingly comply. When she barks orders at me, it puts me in a confrontational mood, and if I do what she asks, it is begrudgingly. Husbands and wives don’t ‘work for’ or ‘report to’ each other, so ‘telling’ is not an effective strategy. Partners ask rather than tell because it shows respect. It also gives the other person the opportunity to happily do what is right and requested.

Do Expect; Don’t Enable. Moms should expect dads to be equal partners in parenting and housework. The distribution of labor will differ in every situation, but dads are capable and able of assuming real and significant responsibilities. Once agreements have been made, both parties should execute respective duties without the need for prodding. Dads should not make excuses, and moms should not enable them by picking up the slack. The key here is making sure that expectations are clear, and consequences for non-performance are openly discussed in advance. Sound like work? Well, it is, and both dads and moms should treat it with the same level of respect and responsibility. If dad really is a slacker, then mom may need to employ a combination of tactics, including praise, reward and accountability, to get him motivated.

Do Praise; Don’t Nag. The best way to get someone to repeat positive behavior is to praise them for doing things right. This is simple psychology that works with kids, adults, coworkers and spouses. Praise in public, and correct in private (it shows respect and maintains and enhances self-esteem). It’s easy to tell someone what he is doing wrong, but if that is the only behavior you recognize, then the only motivation dad will have to correct it will be to get you to shut up and quit nagging him. Moms would be better off letting dad know what he is doing right more often. This will help him learn the types of behavior that may get him further praise or some other kind of reward. Constantly nagging, or criticizing, dad for all of his shortcomings will not inspire him to willingly change behaviors.

Do Reward; Don’t Threaten. Everyone is motivated by a reward system, and there are many ways that mom can reward dad. Obviously, the most popular and effective reward for dads is sex, but there are other types of rewards men find valuable (I can’t think of any right now that are better than sex though, so I’ll just stick with that one). The threat of withholding sex is not a motivator for most men. Instead, we view it as petty, punitive and counterproductive to a healthy marriage. In fact, this may be a major contributor to infidelity or contempt between husbands and wives. Women who use sex as a weapon do not inspire the love of a good man, and this tactic definitely doesn’t build sustainable and positive partnerships.

Do Be Honest; Don’t Be Passive-Aggressive. We don’t know what you don’t tell us. Most dads want their wives to be happy, and they welcome honest feedback, genuine dialogue and open discussion. When moms harbor resentment against dads for whatever reason, it is often manifested in passive-aggressive (or outright aggressive) behaviors. When exhibited, these behaviors are like finger nails on a chalkboard for dads. It screams ‘victim mentality,’ and it triggers the flee mechanism in most men. Honesty is always the best policy with dad, and earlier is better than later in telling him how you feel.

Do Pick Your Battles; Don’t Nitpick. Even the best dads aren’t perfect parents or partners, but we really don’t need to hear it (and by it, I mean sh#t) from mom every time we mess up. When we make a big mistake, let us have it! After all, there is no real love without accountability. There’s a difference, though, between holding someone accountable and incessantly holding their feet to the fire over every little thing. Nitpicking is another demotivating tactic that drives dads nuts. When you pick your battles, we notice. Dads will strive to avoid disappointing you or the kids when they understand how the big mistakes make you feel. Nitpickers destroy what little empathy dads (men) possess.

Do Defend Your Man; Don’t Throw Him Under the Bus. Dads love it when moms defend them to their friends and family members, especially when they take initiative to do something above and beyond what was agreed upon. By contrast, dads hate it when moms lambaste them to friends and family members when they fail to meet expectations. It bears repeating – praise in public, and correct in private.

Do Poke Fun; Don’t Make Fun. There is a difference between poking fun at someone and making fun of them. People who love each other can poke fun at the innocent absurdities of things the other does, such as putting clothes on a child backwards or letting the kids use permanent markers to make birthday cards on the dining room table. It doesn’t demonstrate love or kindness when moms make fun of innocent things that dads do wrong, especially if we are trying something for the first time. The quickest way to demotivate dads is to make him feel stupid.

Do Relinquish Control; Don’t Fuel the Stereotype. Dads rise to the occasion all of the time. We can take care of the kids. We can clean the house. We can cook dinner. We can do everything that moms do that doesn’t involve the uterus. It’s OK to relinquish control over the parental reigns and turn them over to dad. Failure to do so only perpetuates the stereotype and reinforces the dogma. Equality in the relationship between dad and mom will more likely be achieved if mom demonstrates trust in dad’s abilities.

The majority of dads are not slackers. Self-motivation is the most important thing for dads, but it doesn’t hurt for moms to employ a few effective motivational tactics to inspire dads to get more involved. I’m tired of reading articles about lazy dads, and I hope you will join me in busting the slacker stereotype.

*Note: [Edited Later] If you are a slacker dad, stop giving the rest of us who are busting our assess a bad rep! Real men are good partners, not lazy or authoritative dictators.

Please feel free to share your thoughts or comments. Any ‘dos’ or ‘don’ts’ that work in your relationship? I’d love to hear about them!

Related Posts:

20 Kinds of Dads – Which One are You?
The Virtues of Fatherhood
Is It More Important to be a Good Dad or Good Husband?

Popularity: 1% [?]

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.