First Time Dad Over 40
This is a guest post by Sean Sharp, who first became a dad at the age of 43.
My son was born almost a year ago now. It seems hard to believe at times, and yet it has been one of the most amazing, wonderful and eye-opening years of my life. You see, I’m one of those “older” dads. Jonah was born when I was the ripe old age of 43. I didn’t really plan on things working out like this, but as one of my favorite authors, Sherman Alexie once said at a reading, “life never works out as you plan.” In my case that is very true. So, what has it been like this past year being an “older” dad and what do I think about in this stage of life with a young child now in my life?
To start off, I have a good friend who had his first child at 40 and his second child at 45. A cousin of mine had his first biological child at age 48, too, so I’ve had some positive role models to look towards. I’ve enjoyed conversations with both of them about starting this fatherhood thing in our 40s and though there aren’t many huge differences from younger dads at this point, I think there are a few differences that are worth mentioning.
Before Jonah was born I was (and am) very aware of how precious life is and at the same time, both “short and long.” For me, at least that is the case. My mother passed away six years ago, even though it feels like it was just yesterday at times. So, I know that we’re not here forever and that each moment is something to savor. It may seem trite to say so, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not grateful for the presence of both Jonah and my wife Sara.
When I learned I was going to be a father, I began recording my thoughts on a little mp3 recorder. Every day I would record what I called an “audio journal,” usually while driving to the gym in the mornings, and oftentimes just rambling about whatever was on my mind at that moment. Once Jonah was born, I managed to take all of these recordings and burn them to archival quality CDs and they are now tucked away in our fire-proof safe for him to listen to later on in his life. My choice to do this was directly related to the fact that I am a little bit older and I’ve lived a bit, and I wanted Jonah to have a sense of what I was thinking about during the time that he joined us. I hope that one day he appreciates it.
One of the things that I strongly feel, as an older dad, is that I’ve already done a lot of things in my life. I don’t have a desire to do many of them again. It’s not that I wouldn’t enjoy things like traveling again, but it’s not as important as it once was. What I really want to do with my time is spend it with Jonah and my wife Sara. That is basically all there is to it. I’m fairly confident that this will not change as we move along into the future, too.
Of course I’d love to travel with Jonah and Sara at some point in the future –heck, we already did that when we went to my sister-in-law’s wedding in California when Jonah was just four weeks old! But that was different. There is much to show Jonah about the world and the wonders that it holds and I look forward to that in the future. Both Sara and I love our national parks and wilderness areas and I’ve enjoyed the times that we’ve spent so far sharing that with Jonah .
In addition to not feeling as if I want to really be doing anything other than what I’m doing now is this sense that I need to keep myself physically fit—as fit as possible. In the past I’ve been a bit of a runner and as I get older I am still trying to do that. Occasionally, my knees will talk to me, sometimes screaming in pain, but I am trying to remain strong. I think that this is critical for anyone, but for an older dad, it is doubly important.
After 40 things start to shift and slow down. Metabolism slows, bellies grow, hair falls out . . all of that is happening to me, slowly but surely. So, stay in shape is what I say, for yourself and for your kids. Every day I try to do something to help that along, whether it be to hit the gym or to take Jonah for a run in our well-used baby jogger . I know that in a few years it will be even more important for me to remain in shape.
In terms of helping out as a dad, I always wanted to get up in the middle of the night to change Jonah’s diapers while Sara got ready to feed him. For me, it was pure joy to do this, just to look at his little face, look into his eyes and sing him a song while he looked back at me. Supporting Sara has been something that I’ve consciously tried to do, and to her credit she makes it very easy for me to be involved. She doesn’t push away my attempts, though sometimes clumsy, with whatever it is that we’re trying to do, and I appreciate all the little things.
Another thing about being an older dad is that I really wanted Jonah in my life, even at this age. It’s funny, but it just doesn’t occur to me what life might be like without him anymore. I’ve had so much life without a child that this is the grand adventure for me, and I don’t take it for granted.
There are many things that could be said about being an older dad and I’m sure I’ll think of more down the road. Enjoying Jonah’s growth and development is fantastic for me. Every little thing makes me smile, such as the fact that he likes my Ichiro Suzuki bobble-head doll—it cracks me up! Plus he loves to read books, even his dad’s school text books. He is walking now which has changed the game, but it’s all fun and exciting to me.
So if you’re an older dad like me, stay in shape, enjoy the adventure and connect with others. Older dads may face a few more challenges, but we’ve also got a wealth of life experience to draw upon. Either way, celebrate the fact that you are a dad – old or young!
If you’re an older dad and have things to add, please leave a comment.
Learn more about Sean and his experiences as an older dad by visiting his site Sean Sharp.
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Comment by Mark David Gerson on 26 July 2008:
As a fellow older Dad, I identify with much of what you say. I also became a 1st-time dad at 43 — never really having expected (or thought I wanted) to have kids.
Now divorced, with my nearly-nine-year-old daughter living in a different city with her mom, my story is somewhat different. What is identical, though, is the amazingly unanticipated joy and heart-opening that’s come my way, even as a part-time, geographically distant parent.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Mark David
Mark David Gersons latest discovery was..The Best of…
Comment by Mr Lady on 26 July 2008:
Sean, I loved reading this! I am a YOUNG mom (we were 23 and 25 when we started) and it’s really interesting to read the perspective of a dad starting the same year I’ll be shipping most of mine all off to college. I think you’ve really hit the nail on the head of a lot of things here. A lot of my feelings resonate in your post, like the fact that I struggled for so long with having done all of NOTHING before I had kids, and how I went through that phase where I really, badly wanted to live MY life right when i was supposed to be mommin’ it up.
Thanks for guest posting!
Mr Ladys latest discovery was..Your Cheatin’ Heart Will Tell On You
Comment by Kevin T. on 26 July 2008:
Excellent article. Sean has articulated a lot of what I think and feel as an older father. My daughter (who’s almost six months old now) was born when I was 44. I think being older and wiser (hopefully) helps when it comes to being new parents. I like to joke that Kate will literally be able to complain about her “old man” in a few years, but I am seriously enjoying being an older dad.
Kevin T.s latest discovery was..What’s up, Doc?
Comment by Robyn on 26 July 2008:
Great article!
I’m not a older new dad, but I’m an empty nester mom. Just want to say I enjoyed your article and love to see the enthusiasm and joy you are experiencing. Always good to see a dad who is plugged in, dedicated, loving and purposeful in their role as a father, whether younger or older.
Kudos to you in stressing the importance of staying fit, it’s so important!
Blessings~
Robyn
Robyns latest discovery was..39 Tips
Comment by Ed (zoesdad) on 26 July 2008:
Interesting perspective. I don’t really consider myself an older dad but I suppose in reality I am. I started at 35 and the twins (children #4 & #5) were born when I was 41.
The kids keep me young which is one of the biggest boons to starting late.
Ed (zoesdad)s latest discovery was..A Grain of Rice
Comment by Sean Sharp on 26 July 2008:
Thanks to all of you for your kind comments! This whole parenting thing is truly a joy and all of you who share this do “get it.” It’s nice to find this space (Thanks Jeremy!) and those connected to this space as well. The stories that I’m reading on other blogs are fantastic. Again, thanks!
~ Sean
Comment by Jeremy on 27 July 2008:
I definitely agree that kids keep you young at heart, but it’s also exhausting at times and very difficult to stay physically fit. Nothing good comes easy though, right?
Comment by Mark David Gerson on 27 July 2008:
Having kids may keep you young at heart, but being an older dad can remind you (me!) just how old you are — like when people think you’re the kids grandfather!!
Mark David Gersons latest discovery was..The Best of…
Comment by Jeremy on 27 July 2008:
Yeah, I can see where that might not enhance the self-image very much Mark.
Comment by blog dad on 27 July 2008:
Hi,
I’m expecting my first child in February next year when I will be 40 (got a couple more months in my thirties!). I go along with a lot of things you say, I think it is true that, it is sometimes easier to devote more of your life to the new addition/s than one might have wanted to when younger. I’ve also just started to exercise, partly because I don’t want junior to think I’m “fat dad”…
Nicely written, well-thought-out blog post.
blog dads latest discovery was..The Nuchal Scan – the first big scan
Comment by James Austin on 27 July 2008:
Great post Sean. I too am an older first time dad. Lukas was born just shy of my 40th birthday. I appreciate your comments about staying in shape. I am going in the wrong direction, since I had abandoned my workout routine to be ‘fully involved with his care. He is over a year now and doing great. I feel now is the time to start to focus on getting back what I have lost in the past year.
Comment by Todd on 17 December 2008:
Sean, what a terrific post! I enjoyed reading about your journey. I will become a dad in 2009. I am 40 years old now, but will be 41 in April. You have vailidated my reasons for going forward with having my first child. Best Wishes to you and your terrific family.
Comment by Mark Devey on 24 December 2008:
Came across your article whilst looking for items on 1st time dads over 40 – so this hit the spot. We are due our first child in February and I am currently 44. Despite having friends and family give advice/thoughts/must dos etc, still feel as though it is a leap into the unknown and am a little nervous about it but so excited.
Alison (my wife) and I have been married over 10 years and have settled into a life that allows us to do our own thing whenever we wished and to now have to think before we do will be new for us. I’m sure it will be fun along the way!
I’m trying to get fitter and maintain a healthy life to ensure that I can be my best for my son (yep, we know) and be as much a part of his life as he will of ours.
In a few months when I’m sleep deprived, raw nerved, completely lost – I’ll drop an up-date explaining why that bundle of joy is the greatest thing ever to have happened to us. Good luck to you all.
Comment by Janak on 30 January 2009:
I’m 41 and having my first child in June (a daughter we believe). I didn’t know I was an “older first time dad” until I read this. . . thanks. No, really, thanks. I really enjoyed the article as it gave some form to many of my thoughts and feelings. It’s really so exciting.
Comment by Tom on 13 February 2009:
I’m 43 and have just made the leap from single to having two step kids and a baby(my first) due in august. I’m actually pretty confident in the fatherhood part. Just think of all the tips and experience we all have watching our friends and family go through the process before us. Have any of you noticed how much people know about the schools around us? They’ve done a lot of homework for us!!
And let’s not forget that for most of us, we’re bringing up the rear as far as having babies last among most of our friends and family. Less competition! More attention! My wife has prepared me for the giant change ahead for me, but I’m ready (bracing) for it.
If we think about it, being a first time father in our 40’s has endless benefits. Congrats to all!!
Comment by Kevin on 7 May 2009:
I’ll be 41 in a couple weeks and we just got back from getting an ultra sound. My first child is going to be a boy! While my living situation is not quite the same as yours, both the baby’s mother (who is 26 with a 6 y.o.) and I have discussed our excitement and plans. I can’t wait. Thanks for your thoughts.
BTW, if I can make a suggestion. Like what you did with the CD’s, but just to be safe you may want to record new ones every few years. I’ve read about deterioration issues with some of the chemicals used on burnable discs. I would hate for you to break them out later and have them not work. Even better would be to buy a cheap small hard drive and put your files on that.
Comment by Chris on 17 May 2009:
Thanks for posting this article. I am about to have my first child (Due Jan 2010) I will be nearly 42. I was touched and heartened by your article and experience. There seems to be some benefits to being somewhat more experienced in life and more settled and focused. It is good to see that I am not alone but among a distinguished bunch (judging by your articulate article)
Thanks For Posting
Comment by Dave (Recycled Dad) on 9 September 2009:
Sean: Great post.
I became a dad again a few years ago when my first two sons were nearly grown up. In many ways, this feels like a first-time dad experience — I can definitely relate to the focus and the emotions that you describe.
What you say in your post about staying in shape is very inspiring. I like towing my preschooler around in a bike trailer and have just started kayaking with him as well, but I need to do some serious *consistent* exercise so I can keep up with him (and his older brothers) through the years.
Comment by Bethany on 30 September 2009:
thanks so much for posting. i realize this is a bit of an older post but i just found it and it helped me a lot! im 24, and my husband is actually just shy of 40. we are expecting out first baby in a few months and i just was really feeling bad about him having to be an “older dad” but i think your post helped to wash a lot of those bad feelings away. now its just time to wait for the arrival of the little one and make our family complete! (for now haha)
Comment by Mark Devey on 22 October 2009:
Well, I posted in December and now Ethan (our first) is over 7 months old!! Yes, our life has changed and we have had to make adjustments to small and large things BUT what a fantastic experience. Everyday is a learning experience for us. My few things to add;
- sleep deprivation is bad (but you do get you used to it!!!)
- go with your instincts for most situations, your baby will let you know if you are wrong
- enjoy every day and share your feelings with your partner
- your baby defintely reacts to the environment your create.
Comment by Rachel on 6 November 2009:
This whole thread has made me feel so much more relaxed. I am 22 and my partner is 36. We are hoping to marry and then start a family… I was stressing that he would be too old to become a Daddy but after reading all these posts I feel a lot more relaxed about it. Unfortunately my boyfriend smokes which is obviously not good for his fitness, but other than that he is pretty healthy. I would like to be pregnant within the next four years which will mean him becoming a Dad at 40/41 if all goes to plan… I did think this was a tad too old but after reading all your positive posts I feel much more relaxed about the situation. So thank you, and all the best to all you “mature” Dads
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