How to have “The Talk”

February 22nd, 2009 • Related • Filed Under

This article written by Contributing Writer Daniel De Guia.

It’s getting close to that time. You know the one I’m talking about. It’s the one every parent dreads on some level. One day you wake up and realize your first little baby is grown up and without warning, the impending doom of The Talk is upon you.

That realization came not too long ago when my 8-year-old daughter said something that caused my wife and I to look at each other with panic, surprise and fear – our eyes mirrored the internal horror and mental anguish of two parents in shock and unprepared. We knew what the other was thinking before we had a chance to open our mouths: We knew we had to sit down with the girl and give her The Talk.

Like most adults, my wife and I spent decades trying to block out the day our own parents sat down and gave us The Talk. For my older sister, I’m told, my mom sat her down on the bed and just let loose with it. My own experience was somewhat less direct.

When I was in third grade my mother, apparently, told my dad that either he have The Talk with me that week or she would. It doesn’t sound that horrible, but you don’t know my dad. He was a man who had never once said the word “sex” as long as I could remember. My dad was that guy who would complain to the grocery store manager about putting “inappropriate images” in the checkout lines by displaying Cosmopolitan and Shape magazines. He even recorded static over the make-out scene in Top Gun and put tape over the corner of the VHS cover because that lady’s bra would, apparently, forever scar our impressionable minds. After my mom threw down the gauntlet, my dad decided to have The Talk with me the next afternoon. He took me to the beach, where he always took us kids for an afternoon when we just wanted to get out and have fun.

I remember he brought two books with him – I don’t recall the names but they were hardbound red and white books, describing in kid friendly terms what sex was and how babies were made. I remember he was reading his Bible (perhaps asking God for the strength to have this dreaded conversation?) and asked me, “Daniel, do you know where babies come from?”

Being the good, God-fearing child I was raised to be I responded with what I thought he wanted to hear: “They come from God since God made all people, right?” I knew he wanted to take that answer and forget the whole thing. Maybe he even considered, for a moment, of converting to Catholicism, so that he could push me towards the celibate life of a priest and just avoid finishing The Talk altogether.

But he didn’t and for the next who-knows-how-long he gave me as condensed and G-rated version of sex as he could. There are a lot of details I don’t remember, but I do clearly remember being much more confused than I think he had intended. None of it made any sense to me. When we had Sex Education in fifth grade, I finally realized just how little my dad told me.

So when my wife and I realized that soon we would need to have The Talk with our daughter, my only knowledge of that debacle from my own past is the only thing that comes to mind. It makes me nervous just thinking about it. Will she look back on the conversation the same way I do? Will she be confused? Will I?

We intend to both sit down with our daughter, so I also want to be sensitive to the fact that a little girl’s father is going to be talking to her about sex, puberty and other awkward things. I wonder how she is going to feel with me being there?

So, now that you know my dilemma, I’m asking – no, I’m begging – all of you reading this to leave a comment with tips and suggestions with how to do this. I want it to be quick, like ripping off a Band-Aid, but I also want it to be worthwhile and more beneficial to her than my own experience. Please, everyone who has been through this before, help a father out and share your experience. And for those of you who are in the same boat as me, please let me know that I’m not alone in my anxiety!

Daniel De Guia is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is deguia.net. You can also connect with Daniel via Twitter @deguia.

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There Are 10 Responses So Far. »

Comment by Shawna on 22 February 2009:

All I can say is that if my dad would’ve been in the room when my mom gave me the talk, I would’ve been MORTIFIED. Scarred for life. Personally, I would rethink that decision.
Comment by Bob Iger on 22 February 2009:

The first question you have to ask yourself is: can I discuss sex in a serious way with my wife. If yes, repeat the same with your kid but tone down some of the complicated stuff like periods.

For your convenience, I also opened a thread to ask advice about “The Talk” over at The Art of Manliness forum. You will soon find advice there.
Comment by Bob Iger on 22 February 2009:

The URL of this “advice about The Talk thread is:
http://artofmanliness.com/forum/index.php?topic=1156.0
Comment by Burrowowl on 22 February 2009:

My oldest is 3 years old, with a second on the way. So far I’ve just been frank with him about the fact that his little brother is in his mommy’s belly, and that mommy and daddy made him. As with most truly important topics, this isn’t something that can be adequately explained in a single talk. You lay a groundwork and build off of it. Really it’s a talk not the talk. Your daughter knows some things about how babies happen because she has a younger sibling; she saw her mother pregnant. Use this to your advantage. This is a learned process that started years ago.

As for having dad present at the talk for a girl specifically, from what I understand there’s a lot of fear of social stigma with pubescent girls. Having dad present when mom explains puberty and menstruation may help make it something that seems more normal. So for a first talk, where a little groundwork is being laid out, dad being present may be helpful. Follow-up questions really ought to go to mom, though. Do you really want to be the person she goes to for about the particulars of feminine hygiene? You have an in-house resident expert (mom), so she should avail herself of that.

The two books I remember seeing when I was a kid were “What’s Happening to Me?” and “Where Did I Come From?” I think they were lying around the house for my older sister’s benefit, but I’ll never forget the hilarious picture of a young man on a diving board baffled by the tent he was popping in his swim trunks. Good times.
Comment by Dan on 22 February 2009:

Being that I have no kids, my advice can only come from the perspective of having once been a kid. I would say, no matter how difficult and awkward, make sure at least one of you does have ‘the talk’. Neither of my parents had ‘the talk’ with me, and to this day it is incredibly awkward to ever discuss or even observe, through TV or movies, anything of an even remotely sexual nature with either of my parents. I even have trouble expressing to my parents, and most other people just how much I love my wife. I see this as a side-effect of the whole topic of sex and relationships in general being ignored by my parents when they raised me.

And to this day, I have to leave the room if my dad and I are watching a movie and a love scene that gets a bit graphic comes on, or even if a racy commercial comes on! Now that is just annoying!
Comment by tom on 23 February 2009:

I was given a stack of books to read as a kid, no explanations, no follow-up, complete avoidance about the subject.

I turned out okay.

Don’t make too big a deal of it. Not to say that sex isn’t a big deal, which it absolutely is, but it is a natural function and in the proper relationship is extremely important.

I agree with the notion that it shouldn’t boil down to ONE talk. It should be an ongoing dialog, where you return to the concepts of gender and sexualtiy and the mechanics of baby gestation as well as the interpersonal aspects of relationships, love and intimacy as your child seeks more information. Keep the lines open, and don’t press, but do ask whether she is interested in finding out more.

Don’t be afraid to put your own values on it as well – I think it’s a parents role to keep ethics and moral codes alive and passed along to future generations.

Just relax and be dad.
Comment by New-Dad-Blog on 25 February 2009:

By no means am I an expert at being a dad but I read a good book on raising daughters and they talk a lot about this.

The trick, they say, is to have the talk while driving somewhere. That way you can both look out the windshield and not have to make eye contact while talking about wierd stuff.

Ironically, that is how my dad delivered all of his lectures. Except when he gave me “the talk” he used current 3rd grade class mates as examples “So say you and heather are dating and you’re kissing and things start happening”. . .

Please don’t do that! I am still scarred to this day!
Comment by Antonette on 27 February 2009:

Here was my “sex education:”

Age 7 (Mom is pregnant) “Mom, how did the baby get in there?”
Mom: “The sperm and the egg joined to make a baby.” nothing more.

Age 8 (Mom’s sister is pregnant with baby #5)

“Grandma, how did Aunt know she was going to have a baby?”

Grandma (strong Catholic): “You aunt was standing at the sink washing dishes one day and she looked out the window and saw an angel standing in the garden. The angel told her she was going to have a baby.” Um…yeah, right.

Age 15 “Catholic Life and Culture” class. Taught by a priest, showed a video (after explaining sex) of a French woman in labor. Crotch shot of the head crowning and the women screaming “Merde! Merde! Merde!”

Age 18, leaving for college:
Dad to Mom: “You better take her to the doctor and get her on the pill. I was a college age boy once, and I know how they think. She needs to be safe.”
Mom to Dad: “If she wants to talk about sex or birth control, she’ll come ask me.”

I read somewhere that the best person to give the sex talk is the parent of the OPPOSITE gender of the child. I’m not talking about when a little one asks how the baby got in the tummy, but the older child (hormones starting go go nuts) The reason for this is so that the child understands and respects what sex is like for the other person. Moms teach their sons how to respect women and listen to and respond to their physical needs, Dads teach daughters how guys view sex and how to keep themselves safe from guys who can take advantage of them.

I’ve talked with my four year old son already. Nothing too overwhelming for his age. We don’t use euphamisms. He has a penis and testicles. He has erections (he freaked out the first time he noticed it happening). Girls have vaginas, babies grow in the uterus, not the tummy. He has asked me, when a friend of mine was pregnant, how the baby got in there. I told him that when a man and a woman get married and love each other and want to start a family, a man has sperm in his penis that he puts into a woman’s vagina. The sperm swim to the uterus where the eggs are waiting.

I told him it was like planting a seed in a cup of dirt and watering it so it can grow, only a baby grows inside where we can’t see it.

If you freak out about it, she’s going to think she shouldn’t be talking about it at all, and then she’s going to pick up misinformation from friends. It’s a natural part of life.

I agree with Tom. relax.
Comment by C Rey on 6 March 2009:

Well, my 10yr old got “the talk” from Mom with Dad present but not active in the conversation. We purchased the “Where Do I Come From” book at the recommendation of our pediatrician and I spent 30minutes reading it to her. I asked her if she had any questions, which she did not–at least for a week that is. The questions she posed later were more difficult issues such as our live next door gay male neighbors and how they spent time together. There is no book for that. I think for our generation, it is more difficult than the previous generations.
Comment by Keith Wilcox on 6 August 2009:

Well, I don’t mean to be link spamming or anything, but I just happen to have written an article about this very subject. http://www.mekeliki.com/parenting/the-birds-and-the-bees/

I think my upbringing must have been somewhat similar to yours in that my dad and mom never discussed sex with my sister and I. They sorta left it up to us to figure out (thank you, magazines . Sure, my dad tried to have the talk with me. It was a terrible. I don’t remember learning anything at all. Well, my experience has turned me into the exact opposite. I’m trying to be completely straightforward with my kids even if that means I get embarrassed frequently.
.-= Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Youth is Wasted on the Young =-.