Make Time for Yourself – Know When to Tap Out

August 27th, 2008 • Related • Filed Under

This article written by Contributing Writer Daniel De Guia.

I’m exhausted after a long day at work. All I want to do is go home and relax. As a parent, though, my day is not done when work is over. Parenting is my second full-time job. I am on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It’s challenging to maintain a balanced life with so many competing priorities at work and home. Every once in a while, I need a break from things to recharge my batteries and find that balance.

For my wife and I, we each have a scheduled night out of the house every week. We get this night to do things like grab a few drinks with friends or go to a local bookstore and flip through a book in relative silence. The point is that we each get one night out for a few hours where we don’t have to concentrate on being a spouse or a parent. It’s nice to just be Daniel during this time.

This helps maintain the harmony of our household in a few ways:

Freedom

As Mel Gibson said in Braveheart, “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our FREEDOM!” Okay, so it’s not quite that dramatic, but as parents it’s easy to get caught up in the routine. Before you know it, you haven’t talked to or even seen your friends in months. My friends keep me grounded and sane. They’re always there to make me laugh and help me unwind. Even when things are somber and tumultuous, they are there for me. It helps to have this freedom to spend a few hours away from home and with friends each week.

Time with Friends = a Healthier, Happier Marriage

This may sound counter-productive to some and spot-on to others, but I’ve seen and experienced the correlation between spending a few hours with friends each week and a healthier marriage. It helps my life to feel more balanced, which in turn helps me relate to my wife in a more loving manner.

Here’s an example: I went to public school and my wife was home schooled. I had a lot of friends from school, whereas she had a much smaller group of friends. We got married at a young age, not too long after graduation, and quickly became knee-deep in family stuff. My friends were a phone call away when I needed to hang out or talk. In my wife’s case, she didn’t have many people to call upon. When I would go out with friends, even after clearing it with her beforehand, there was understandably some jealousy and, possibly, even resentment on a subconscious level. Once my wife found some people she really connected with and became good friends, she understood how important it was to have these kinds of relationships to balance out our lives.

You Have Something to Look Forward To

Let’s be honest now. In the day-to-day routine of family life and work, sometimes you just need that one different activity to look forward to, just to get you through those unusually tough weeks. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I look forward to doing at home, like playing with the kids, reading to them, and spending time with my wife, but I also look forward to having a little time to do something for myself.

The Kids Learn That Mommy and Daddy Need Friends Too

I think it’s healthy for children to know that, just as they have friends they like to “play” with, so does mommy and daddy. Granted, I don’t expect many of us still have slumber parties at our “BFF’s” house.

It’s important for kids to know that parents are people too, with friends who they actually like to hang out with on occasion. In my mind, it’s a mistake not to demonstrate to kids the value of having healthy friendships as adults. I don’t want my kids to think being a parent means having no friends.

So, even if it’s only on a monthly basis, I definitely recommend scheduling some free time for yourself to be alone or to hang out with friends. Taking time to tap out will help you recharge and add balance to your life.

My children know that when Thursday evening comes around, that’s my night to go hang out with friends.

What about you? Do you have a certain time each week or month that you tap out or spend time alone? What do you do during that time? What’s the effect it has on your life – good or bad? Do you agree or disagree with scheduling a break for yourself each week? Leave a comment with your thoughts.

Daniel De Guia is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is deguia.net. You can also connect with Daniel via Twitter @deguia.

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There Are 10 Responses So Far. »

Comment by SciFi Dad on 27 August 2008:

I don’t do it once a week, but maybe once a month I go out on a Saturday night by myself (I’m more of a loner than a “friend” guy) and catch a movie. Two hours of no kid calling from upstairs refusing to sleep, no wife asking me questions about the plot, no phone calls, nobody wanting a piece of me… it’s awesome.

SciFi Dads latest discovery was..The Lies She Told Herself
Comment by Mark on 27 August 2008:

I am with SciFi Dad, when I want my time away from “home life” it is typically to spend some time alone. Going and spending some time in the outdoors on my own just recharges my batteries like nothing else.
Comment by Daddys Toolbox Jeff T on 27 August 2008:

dude, couldn’t agree more! going to share this with the wife! we do get alone time once a week usually. my parents watch our kids, we ALL love it. kids love it, mama/papa love it. usually we grab dinner out, or meet out with friends without kids, and be adults. it totally recharges me! when my folks travel, which is like 100 days of the year it seems, we (get stuck) have our kids for 2-3 weeks without a break. the whining increases, my Blood pressure surely goes up and we raid the wine cooler and depleat it way too fast.

But I also get time with guy friends. usually Thursday nights as well. We all meet at a crappy bar and tip back a few beers and shoot the shit. it’s great, it’s man talk, and a lot of fun. now with football season starting, there comes MNF to watch. some old neighbors and I still get together and swap houses weekly for MNF! it’s great.
Comment by James Austin on 27 August 2008:

Alone Time? What is that? I have not done this much but really want to. As Luke gets older, I think it will be easier to get some time for myself. Right now I feel guilty if I am not giving him my attention when we I have the time to. Hey, he’s my first and just over a year so I have an excuse for giving him all I have. I can see needing that time though.

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Comment by VegasDad on 27 August 2008:

I totally agree. Unfortunately, I get little time to myself. I have night duty with the toddler…every night. “Me” time is extremely rare.

VegasDads latest discovery was.."you want a man touching you down there?"
Comment by Matt on 27 August 2008:

I get about 30 minutes in the bathroom each morning with ESPN the Magazine…does that count! All kidding aside, I think you got this one dead on. The last time I really needed some alone time I went to a park in the evening and sat under a tree people-watching for an hour or so. After the noise and insanity of the house, I just needed some peace. I came back to the house a completely different guy. The trick is to schedule it, and stick to it, as you said. Also, you have to make sure your wife takes her time too, or it becomes unfair and one-sided.
Great post…I’m glad to hear that most everyone agrees with this concept so far.

Matts latest discovery was..Should I Let My Daughter Take Drugs?
Comment by Jeremy on 27 August 2008:

I save up my time for certain times of year, in particular football season. During the NFL season, I go to 6-8 games a year with my buddies. I also participate in multiple fantasy football leagues, and we like to do live draft nights with everyone getting together. I also do one fantasy baseball league where we do the same thing. So, pretty much, for me, I get some time with friends pretty regularly for about half the year. The other half I focus on family stuff and work. It works for me.
Comment by Daniel on 27 August 2008:

I’m excited to see that so many of you are able to try to squeeze in some “you” time when you can!

@VegasDad – I hear you! My wife works 5 nights a week and so I’m home with both kids on those nights. By the time her “weekend” rolls around, I’m going crazy from cabin fever!

@James Austin – I think it’s great that you’re enjoying time with Luke so much! If you’re not feeling the pull telling you that it’s time to sneak away for a bit to recharge, more power to ya!
Comment by Ros on 3 September 2008:

Hi Daniel,
You said it really well!
Parenting can be exhausting – especially those first few years, and both Mom and Dad need quality time out – separately for short periods – as men and women are different – and we recharge our batteries differently.
Still, you go back – and it makes you a better Dad and that will rub off on your little one.
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