Making Friends Like a Man

June 7th, 2009 • Related • Filed Under

This article written by Contributing Writer Chris Lewis.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is for many women to make friends of other women? Most seem to be innately tuned into the social steps necessary to establish and maintain relationships. Men on the other hand, not so much.

I, for one, can honestly say it is not easy for me to develop friendships with other men. I don’t understand the proper male bonding etiquette, topics of discussion and how to get past that initial awkward moment of meeting. Do I enjoy sports, sure, but do I watch all sports, not on your life, especially with two toddlers running around. So when I start a discussion and other guys start talking about trades between teams, the RBI of this player, the number of sacks in a previous game or who scored the winning goal last night, I sometimes find myself simply nodding and hoping I am affirming in the right spots. I don’t like this uncomfortable game of just “playing along” though. It makes me wonder if these men are involved in their kids/family life at all – how do they find the time to watch sports and spend time with the kids?

This is the same when it comes to other male past times. My father was not a do-it-yourselfer. He was more of a hire-it-out kind of guy, and I tend to follow in his footsteps for better or worse. Over the years, I have learned to be slightly more handy than my dad, mostly because my father-in-law is one of those guys who can build, fish, fix cars and repair most things around the house. I try and learn through osmosis from him, but when someone brings this up as a topic of conversation, I am at a loss for words once again.

So, My question for all of you guys is, how do you do it? We just recently moved back to Michigan from being outside of the State for three years. We moved to a new area where we have never lived, and though I have friends in other parts of the State, I don’t have any guy friends and my wife and I haven’t been able to make many couple friends either.

I can think of a few ideas to meet people where I won’t feel completely at a loss: Join a church group, sports league, singing group, or take up an adult pastime, but I’m not sure I have the time. Again, what are some things that you do to make new man friends? And once you do make a new friend, how do you maintain that friendship?

For me, it is making calls, dropping emails or Facebook messages, getting together for a drink or having a cook out.

I believe it is very important to remember that not only are you a husband and father, but also a human being who needs to have real adult friendships. The problem with men, though, is that this is not second nature to us like it is for our wives.

So, what do you do to make friends like a man? I look forward to your thoughts on the matter!

Chris Lewis is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is Dad of Divas. You can also follow Chris on Twitter @dadofdivas. Chris is also working on project called The Great Minivan Trade Up – check it out too.

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There Are 17 Responses So Far. »

Comment by Annie on 7 June 2009:

I can’t say how my husband makes and keeps friends, but I do know that it seems harder for the men. I agree it’s important that our spouses remember that they are individuals as well as dads and husbands. Family life is wonderful, but everyone needs some friends.

As a wife, I try to play point – if I meet a nice woman who has a kid the same age I arrange playdates with her. If we get along, I invite her and her husband over with some other couples we like. If the guys get along, we keep inviting the couple over. It’s then up to my husband to continue the friendship. Lucky for us, we live an area with lots of couples our age who have small children and lots of parks and kid-friendly places. It’s easier to find something in common with people who have their kids in tow and are actively parenting just like we are.
Comment by Idaho Dad on 8 June 2009:

I don’t know how it’s done either. Most of the men I meet are usually taken aback when they hear that I’m a stay-at-home dad. Like it’s a disease or something. My wife and I have had couples over to the house, but friendships never blossom between us dads. You’d think we could find something to talk about with the kids. It’s all a mystery to me.

I’ve had better luck recently after reconnecting with my best friend from junior high, who I discovered lives a half-hour away from me, even though we grew up thousands of miles away. The only problem is, he’s an adrenaline junkie, and it’s impossible for me to keep up with the kinds of activities he pursues.
Comment by Audubon Ron on 8 June 2009:

So, what do you do to make friends like a man? I look forward to your thoughts on the matter!
Srsly. These days not much. I’m 53 now. As I look back on it, there are a number of buddies I really miss. Life change shows up and a move happens or something. It takes a while to reestablish. My best buddy right now is 74 years old. We are very committed to one another. Our friendship is all about community service. Obviously our wives are not into the same interests. My wife is kind of quiet and his is very bossy. It isn’t a father/son thing, we have very similar objectives. There in lies the bond I think. For men, it is about an activity or interest. Most of my buddies when I was in my 20s played music and we jammed and smoked pot, (Opps that slipped out, a very long time ago but you get the message, no pot anymore). In the 30s and 40s played golf, fished or worked together. I had one buddy some years ago, he and I spent 200 days on the water fishing one year even if it was for an hour. I keep up with him by phone from time to time but he’s on the west coast and now I’m on the east. My wife always referred to my buddies as my boyfriends. So, I think it takes an event around which you can link up with similar objectives and can cover each other’s back, build a bond. The best friendships I had kept out the women. Blending the wives eventually leads to some sort of tension. Mostly, even though mine is quiet, she can trash talk and I just don’t need to hear it. It’s all I can do to keep her from saying something out loud in front of the relatives.
Don’t have much time for buddies too much anymore. After 50, sex and the marriage gets RIGHT ON THE MONEY. At least for me its sexual hyper focus and Ronnie can’t come out and play with that going on. My wife is my best friend. I’m actually gravitating more towards solitude anyways.
Comment by Tyler - Building Camelot on 8 June 2009:

I’d love to know how to make more guy friends. Unless you’re still hangin out with your frat friends from college, it’s hard to make true (new) friends as a father. Honestly, the only guy I really hang out with is my brother-in-law…other than that it’s hit or miss with some guys whose kids are at the same daycare.

I’d love to have a group of guys that regularly gets together to recharge the testosterone. I look at my old man and even he doesn’t have any good friends and I really don’t want to end up like him.
Comment by Cory Huff on 9 June 2009:

Great post. It makes me sad/surprised/not surprised/validated that everyone in the comments feels the same way I do – it’s tough to make friendships as a guy, especially strong friendships.

I think most of it is based around activities. Going out to watch a game, play a sport, or something like that.
Comment by TechyDad on 9 June 2009:

I’d love to figure out how to make guy friends too. Back before I moved to be closer to my wife (then fiancee), I would go out regularly with my best friend since Junior High. We still converse over e-mail and sometimes phone, but it’s just not as easy to head out to catch a “guy flick” when you live 300 miles apart.

Since moving up here, I’ve felt very isolated. I talk to people at work from time to time, but most times I’m stuck in my windowless office in the back of the server room (with the door closed to block the AC) coding away. Then, I head home and transition from 8-5 worker to dad and husband. The only time I get to be just myself is when everyone is asleep (and even then family life intrudes if one of the kids wakes up).

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but sometimes you need some time away from them. My wife has at least two friends she could do things with and plenty of family to turn to. I have no friends here and no family except for my wife’s family. The closest person you could call my friend is actually my wife’s friends’ husband. We get along reasonably well, but I’m not sure I’d count him as a close friend.

When there are things that I’m mulling over and I need another guy’s opinion, there isn’t really anyone I can turn to. (Especially if it involves my wife. I don’t want to ask my father-in-law or brother-in-law a question regarding how to handle something my wife says/does.) I really should get more active in one of the online daddy groups (my wife’s involved in some mommy groups), but I never seem to have the time. Plus, there’s just something about having some face-to-face buddy time away from the family that hunching over a laptop at 10pm just can’t replace.
Comment by Mark Roberts on 9 June 2009:

How do guys make friends? I dunno, I had a couple of friends from my last job, who would come over (or I would go over there) on occasion for a beer, movies, games, etc but I’m not really sure how I did it. I just moved to a different state and now that I am getting married in September I am looking more for couples so when my wife joins me we both have something to work with. I do like Annie’s idea of the wife playing point…maybe I should give that a try.
Comment by Charlie on PA Tpk on 12 June 2009:

I don’t have many friends. I can count on one hand the number of people I count as friends, and I’ve not seen any of them in years. Two of them I chat with (either online or by phone) fairly regularly, but the others are occasional at best.

I commute 2hrs each way to work, so the people I work with are only seen in a work situation; going out for drinks after work and then driving home isn’t a workable solution.

I am involved in my sons Scouting unit, where there are other males, and we all get along well, but there’s no bonding or the like.

I have long settled in that I am OK being a Systems Engineer by day and a dad by night (OK, I know a dad is a FT job).
Comment by Smith Amoureuse on 24 July 2009:

As its proven by the history the friendship between men is stronger than the one between women.
I make new friends by visiting pubs and sports events. I dont have much time for that but i try at least once in the weekends to be with my friends , having some man’s time.. you know what i mean
Comment by Robert on 5 August 2009:

I’ve long since lost contact with male friends from my youth. The guy friends I have now are guys I’ve met at the golf course. If you play golf, go out by yourself and team up with a twosome or threesome or join a men’s league. Golf nuts tend to have an almost instant camaraderie.
Comment by Chris on 6 August 2009:

I only have a couple guy friends that I have had for years. Other then work acquaintances, I haven’t really made a new friend in years. I am not too bothered as I enjoy my alone time.

Glad to see it is fairly common amongst men to have issues with male friendships, makes me look a little less insane!
Chris´s last blog ..What is a Birth Plan?
Comment by Dev1001_NC on 10 August 2009:

Great topic.

Man I hear you, TechyDad – I am in mostly the same boat – though you have me beat w/the bro-in-law – I don’t even have that option.

I recently changed jobs (leaving an office not unlike “Cheers” [everybody knew me/my name] to being just another guy in a cube). The development team here is pretty chummy overall – few of them play video games during lunch – but I have no idea how to “break in” – it’s like the whole picking kickball teams in elementary school or something. I’m sure my fear/pride doesn’t help but I just don’t know how to invite myself into an existing group/clique like that.

BUT – that’s just casual/work-place-acquaintance stuff… as for finding new REAL/TRUE friends – who knows. I’ve been dragged to a few weeknight church group meets at parks (for parents with little kids) – but I’m a bit out in left field on the church topic and everyone there is in full “drink the cool aid” mode so I end up playing in the sandbox w/my son rather than making small talk with the other dads there.

What is that magic ingredient that made relationships from high school and college so lasting… so enjoyable… so “real”? I know the “past” makes everything look nicer but the fact that I have no real/true friends right now is certainly not fun.

I had a pretty good friend from work for a few years but us both having kids and other work complexities turned that into a “good friend/work colleague” situation. The only other potential “real friend” I have here lives pretty close to my house but we no longer work at same company so we rarely see each other – and with his 3 kids and my 2 kids, we barely get any free time. And, not unlike your comments about sports talk, he prefers to drink beer and play poker in his free time – and I prefer hard liquor/movies/music/video games heh…

Anyhow – I could ramble on forever… all I can say is – it’s nice knowing other guys struggle w/this – if anyone comes up with some magic formula for success here please let me know.
Comment by Gifts for Dad on 8 September 2009:

Even though we women are supposed to have some sort of instinctual social formula for making friends, I can resonate with this post as well. It’s difficult, especially when you transition into new phases of life to juggle everything and find others who are likeminded and can hang. This post reminds me slightly of the movie I Love You, Man – which is a hilarious spin on the same issue! Best wishes-
Comment by Dev1001_NC on 9 September 2009:

@Gifts for Dad

Ha – I saw that movie recently too and have to say it really tugged at my gut at a couple points because it reminded me of just how similar I was to the main character guy – except for having an awesome new best friend heh…
Comment by Charlie on PA Tpk on 9 September 2009:

In the 2 months since I first read (and commented) on this post, it occurred to me that I simply have no time for friends. I wouldn’t know what to give up in order to have time to spend with friends in real-time.

Maybe I am rationalizing things, but at this stage of my life I am not certain I am missing anything I need.
Charlie on PA Tpk´s last blog ..Say NO to the current Health Care proposals
Comment by Dev1001_NC on 9 September 2009:

@Charlie on PA Tpk
Having 2 kids under 4 I certainly understand the time thing – but the thing is – if you did have a “I love you man” friend you WOULD make time… but certainly the BS that comes with shallow acquaintance/neighbor “friends” is def something i wouldnt “make” time for either.

Just like Paul Rudd in the movie really… he did make time cuz he found out his guy friend was great to have – otherwise he was just a busybody doing nothing all day but work and chores/etc.
Comment by The man, the dad and the husband on 13 December 2009:

WOW.. This post almost made me fall over. I wondered if I had written it.

The blog post that I linked to my name here is the reason I started a blog and is exactly what this post is about. How do you get back to being a man instead of a husband or dad (though those 2 are eaually important).

another thing that makes me think we’re twins: I have never understood regular guys. I grew up with a mom and two sisters, don’t have time to follow sports and don’t like hunting so that really narrows down the conversation topics. I was begining to think I might never find a group of guys to hang out with.

Here’s how I did it.. One soccer-dad on our team set up a dads-night-out (find the story at the bottom of the linked post) and made it a “come if you want or not” kind of thing. It seemed like all of us dads were clamoring for the same thing and a group of us showed up and had an awesome time.

We are all at the same point in our life now (past the strip-club phase) and we found the conversations just came rolling. I zoned out when they talked sports, one guy zoned when we talked jobs and so on.

We are scheduling another and honestly, I think ‘not being a regular guy (whatever that is)’ is an asset because everyone just says whats on their mind and isn’t all standoffish and weird.
The man, the dad and the husband´s last blog ..Man, dad and husband – Making Ornaments