Raising Daughters

January 17th, 2009 • Related • Filed Under

This article written by Contributing Writer Daniel De Guia.

Alright, parents, it’s confession time: As dads raising daughters, we’re all at an immediate disadvantage because we’ve never known what it’s like to grow up as a little girl.

Are you ready for another confession? I tend to be a “My way or the highway” sort of dad, and it’s a daily challenge to be firm with the rules while still letting my kids be kids.

My 8-year-old daughter is just as independent and bull-headed as I am. Naturally, this often leads to minor conflict. Each day is a learning experience for both of us as we try to co-exist in harmony. Despite our challenging similarities, my daughter and I have an absolutely amazing relationship, but it’s been a long road.

Part of getting to where we are now required me to realize what’s important to little girls. I didn’t have a little sister, a niece or even a female cousin. If anybody could have used an owner’s manual for raising a daughter, it would have been me.

Nevertheless, I have learned a few things to help build a relationship with my daughter:

When in doubt, ask her mother – Not only will she have your daughter’s best interests in mind, but she’ll hopefully be able to give you honest, straight-forward answers. My poor wife has dealt with more stupid questions from me than she can shake a stick at:”But if she just rips them the first time, why do we keep buying her tights?”"Does she really need another purse to play with?”"THE JONAS BROTHERS?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”

Fake it till you make it – As dads, we usually don’t “get” what the big deal is with things like pony tails, accessories or that one “pretty” outfit. The other day my daughter came downstairs ecstatic that she put her hair in pigtails all by herself.Inside I was thinking “And….?” but her huge smile and big blue eyes nearly bulging out of her freckled face showed me that it was a big deal to her.When it’s obvious your care level isn’t on par with hers, fake it. Just don’t be obvious or sarcastic about it. There’s nothing wrong with playing along.

Let her feel pretty – I’ll be the first one in line to put my foot down about not wanting my little girl dolled up like a streetwalker, but sometimes, when you stop to think about it, does it really matter if she wants to get decked out once in a while?My daughter loves to get all dressed up, even if we’re just going grocery shopping. The sparkly lip gloss, the brightly-colored hair clippy things, gloves and a scarf when it’s 70 degrees out, the shiny dress shoes with shorts and mismatched socks… all of that helps your daughter feel pretty.

Help her feel pretty – Even if she can do things on her own, sitting down with her and helping her brush her hair, paint her nails and helping her pick out better matching outfits will not only help her feel good about herself, but it will also show her that it really is okay for men to do those things with/for them.I don’t do this every day, but when I do, my daughter loves when I paint her nails. It gives us an opportunity to talk and, more importantly, it’s an activity that she likes which requires her to sit still and focus. Little moments like these, as they get older, are the ones you have to latch onto – it shows them that their dads do care about the details.

Bring them down a bit – While there are certainly many times when going with the flow will, in the long run, do more good than harm, I think it’s also important to keep them grounded in reality. Obvious ways to do this are through chores, rules, enforcing manners and holding her accountable for her actions.You can also do this through fun methods that can show her that her Old Man is still a force to be reckoned with. Activities like beating her at a video game; teaching her something new that will blow her mind like Chess; and, playing sports with her are all good examples. If they’re always handed a win or get their way all the time, they’ll never learn how to deal with the unexpected.

Do you dads have any tips to share? How about you Mom readers?

Daniel De Guia is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is deguia.net. You can also connect with Daniel via Twitter @deguia.

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There Are 9 Responses So Far. »

Comment by Jeremy on 17 January 2009:

I can relate! I’ve got 2 daughters and I’m still trying to figure them out!
Comment by Mr Lady on 18 January 2009:

You are not meant to figure us out. That’s just the way it is, guys.

In all seriousness, Dan, I think you’re pretty dead on here. I certainly never wanted my father to be a chic with me; I needed a MAN in my life, and he delivered. But boy oh mighty did he know his Barbies. And that’s what I remember from him: Old Spice, video games and his opinion of what Barbie clothing line was the most elegant.
Comment by CK Lunchbox on 18 January 2009:

this was a good post for a dad who has three boys and recently gained two stepdaughters. there are just certain things that are essential to realize when learning to relate and bond to girls.

Thank, Daniel
Comment by New-Dad-Blog on 19 January 2009:

Great post! This is right up my alley; I am expecting my first kid, a little girl in a couple of weeks and I am freaking out about how to raise a little girl.

Great tips. . . I love putting her in her place by beating her at video games. . ha ha, I’ll have to remember that one.
Comment by Matt on 19 January 2009:

Great feedback, Daniel! My daughter is almost four now, and I wonder sometimes what kind of a father I’ll be when she gets to be your daughter’s age. You know, closer to those years when all Hell breaks loose (help me!). But I think you are right, and I think that like you imply here, the trick is balance. I’m always working to balance between being a father, which for me means laying down the law and being stern with her when she needs direction, and being sensitive to the fact that she is NOT a boy. Having a close relationship with my mom has always helped. So once in a while I WILL indulge the old feminine side and simply tell her “no no no no. WHITE SHOES? Go back in there and put on the black ones. Did you even LOOK at a calendar when you put those on?”
Comment by Daniel on 19 January 2009:

I’m glad you all liked the post!

I think the key to my growth as a dad has been just realizing that to her and her 8-year-old size world, what shoes she gets to wear, as an example, really is a big deal.
Pingback by Raising Daughters @ Discovering Dad | New Dad Blog on 20 January 2009:

[...] up as much advice, tips and knowledge that I can from anywhere I can find it. I came across a great post at Discovering Dad on Raising Daughters. If you have or are expecting a little girl, these are some great [...]
Comment by Jon @ DadTrek on 20 January 2009:

I especially like the last point you made, which applies to both boys and girls equally. You hit the nail on the head… we do our children a disservice if we make them think they’ll always win, they’re always special, etc. It just sets them up for failure as an adult. Thanks for the great post.
Comment by Chris Lopez on 22 January 2009:

Daniel, I think you’re bang on with this post. As a dad to 4 daughters, as different as they all are, all your points apply.

I got “lucky” with my first one (who’s 10 now) in that I was able to really put my influence on her and turn her into a volleyball/soccer playing, “tell-you-what-I-think-of-you” tomboy…she is as far from being a “girly-girl” as there can be.

The other 3 are the pig-tail wearing, princess-loving, ballet dancers that like to put make-up on me while I’m sleeping.

I too am a big advocate keeping them grounded and agree with Jon (@ DadTrek), in that you are doing them a huge disservice by letting them win all the time. Build their confidence, but do so in a manner that won’t set them up for disappointment later on in life.