Seven Ways to Role Model Thankfulness
People like to complain. If it’s not the rise in gas prices, then it’s the fall in stock values. Taxes are too high, and political accountability is too low. The economy is in the toilet, and customer service sucks! The house is always dirty, and the kids never appreciate how hard you work to put food on the table. Things aren’t like they were when we were young. It’s different now. Worse. Harder. Most of the good things are gone. The white picket fence and 2.5 kids was a myth or a lie, and anyone who acts genuinely happy is obviously delusional or hiding something.
How many people do you know who are like this? You know, the ones who never have enough money to pay the bills, yet every person in the family has a brand new camera phone (82% of Americans own cell phones). The ones who complain that their marriage sucks, yet neither person makes any serious effort to work on the relationship. And worst of all, the parents who do nothing but bitch about how rotten and ungrateful their kids are toward them, however an outside observer can clearly see that they are just trying to get mom or dad to look at them with a little more love and less hate (or regret) in their eyes.
What do you think kids are learning from these types of behaviors? That the world is a big, wonderful place full of possibilities, or a shitty, horrible planet filled with people trying to screw them over? Our kids learn how to act from us, and let me be blunt, they are fast learners.
Children are like little sponges running around us, soaking up all of the words, signals and emotions that we send out to others. Think it’s OK to call your girlfriend and complain about what a jerk your husband is for working late again? Watch and see how your son or daughter emulates that behavior while playing with toys or other kids. Think it’s OK to yell at your wife, shake your finger and stomp out of the room? Yeah, some temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up, but kids that speak with disrespect and hate toward their parents learn that behavior, oftentimes from you.
People like to complain, but as parents, it is important that we moderate this behavior and recognize its potentially harmful effects on our kids. Bob Moawad, founder of Increasing Human Effectiveness, said, “Smile! Attitude is contagious!” I couldn’t agree with him more. Our attitude as parents is contagious to our kids. If we are unhappy, then chances are our kids are going to be unhappy too. If we are dissatisfied with life, then our kids will be too. If we complain all of the time, then our kids are going to learn this behavior and be the next generation of complainers to carry on the tradition. Who really wants that for their kids? I doubt anyone would say that they do, yet I’d be willing to bet more than half go on bitching and moaning about all the bad things in life.
So, what is the alternative? If you’re not going to complain, then what are you going to do? If you’re not going to bitch about someone or something, then what will be left to say? If you’re not going to wallow in your own misery, then who will give you sympathy? If you’re not going to be negative, then what will you do to get attention from your spouse, friends or children?
Why not be thankful for the things you do have? There are things going well in your life, right? Most people I know own a home and/or car, have a job that pays them on time, and a spouse and/or kids that love them. Most people I know that live in the United States have a life that millions (maybe billions) of people around the world would envy. And, as parents, we also have one of life’s most precious gifts of all - our kids!
Here are Seven Ways You Can Role Model Thankfulness to your kids:
Stop complaining - start praising. Tell your family and friends more often the things they are doing right, and how much that means to you. Explain why you appreciate their actions and encourage them to repeat positive behaviors more often. Share your pride in loved one’s achievements - be specific about what they did that made you feel that way. Make praise a habit.
Public displays of affection. Hold hands with your spouse in public; give her a hug and kiss when you first walk in the door; tell him that you love him every day and mean it, even if other people are in the room.
Smile more often. Seriously, as Moawad said, “Attitude is contagious!” He also said, “Fake it ’till you make it,” which may be what you have to do to get started on this. A smile implies satisfaction and thankfulness for what’s happening in that moment.
Use your manners. Being polite and courteous shows people that you respect them as a human being. Saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ immediately lowers a person’s defenses and opens the door to have a pleasant interaction. Teaching your children to use their manners demonstrates an appreciation for other people’s feelings.
Write a thank you note with your kids. Every time your kids receive a gift, it is an opportunity for you to teach them thankfulness. Yes, they should say “Thank You” and give hugs and kisses; however, they (you) should also go that extra step and write a note to the giver.
Engage in proactive, positive self-talk. Find the things that you really like about yourself. Write them down. Read them out loud. Smile while you’re saying it. Think about what benefits you gain in life from these things. Discover new ways to leverage these things in your relationships, including those with your spouse and kids.
Offer positive suggestions, or solutions, when talking to others. The quickest way to shut down a bitch-fest is to make a positive suggestion or offer a viable solution. Complainers don’t want solutions - they want attention. If your kids are complaining, help them find a solution on their own so that they can appreciate the results of their efforts.
These are just some of the ways you can role model thankfulness to your kids, as well as bring out a genuine feeling of appreciation for life within yourself.
Does this mean that you should never complain? No, but serial complaining is not acceptable behavior for parents. Our kids deserve more from us - they deserve to be happy. Thankfulness is a prerequisite to happiness, in my experience.
Do you role model thankfulness to your kids?
Please share how you do it in the comments.
Update: If you want to read a great example of thankfulness, check out this post on Mrs. Fussypants Guide to Life.
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Comment by Secret Agent Mama on 8 July 2008:
The only one of those seven points that I cannot seem to do (consistently) is write thank you notes. Time seems to slip away, and then I forget, but it’s such a great thing to do.
This was such a great post, Jeremy. I bet it will speak to many who read it!
Comment by SciFi Dad on 8 July 2008:
We are big on manners, not just in public (as in, she’s been conditioned to thank the server for her drink, for example) but at home too (as in, when someone gets you something, even a glass of milk, you say thank you).
Another way I do it is I thank my daughter for things that I appreciate. For example, while I know she prefers to have my wife bathe her, when I offer and she accepts, I thank her and explain that I appreciate it because I like spending time with her.
I will also leave her notes in the morning before I go to work, thanking her for the fun we had over the weekend or the previous night.
Great post.
Comment by Jeremy on 8 July 2008:
I really like the idea of leaving notes in the morning. Thanks!
Comment by Kim on 8 July 2008:
This was an interesting read Jeremy.. I have to say that I have started to weed out friends like that from my life. It takes so much energy to make them smile..
And out of your list I have to say that i need to start working on engagin in proactive, positive self-talk.. But the Thank You notes are always made out to be fun between me and my oldest. he draws pictures on all of them because he can’t write yet..
Kims latest discovery was..There Is No Such Thing As Bad Luck
Comment by Jeremy on 8 July 2008:
I agree Kim. Me and habitual complainers are like oil and water. I understand venting and complaining from time to time, but when every single interaction I have with a person is a downer I tend to avoid them at all costs. I know that it’s human nature to focus on the bad more than the good, but to me that is just a recipe for unhappiness. Self-talk is also influenced by those around us, especially if they reinforce negative self-talk with complaining. It’s just nicer to be around uplifting people, or better yet, to be an uplifting person. Thanks for the comment Kim!
Comment by John on 8 July 2008:
Jeremy, I couldn’t agree more. Life is too short to spend it complaining all the time. Kids are great imitators. What they see at home is reflected in their lives, even when they are older. Great insight!
Johns latest discovery was..Pampers vs. Huggies
Comment by Lori B on 8 July 2008:
Gotta say I’m proud that Ty virtually always says “Thank you” and “you’re welcome” to people. I think he learned it first from Playhouse Disney, but as long as it is promoting good manners I don’t care where he got it from. It’s better than what Buffy taught him
Lori Bs latest discovery was..Family excursion…
Comment by Dad of Divas on 8 July 2008:
This is a great and needed post Jeremy… I love the idea of self talk as well as I think we don’t do this enought. I try and role model daily what I want my Divas to emulate. I can only hope that what I am doing will rub off on them (as well as the slight corrections of things that they may not be doing). I tend to be an uber-optomost, sobeing negative around me doesn’t fly…I try and get people to turn the negative around into something positive as much as I can…it’s not always easy, but it is important!
Comment by VegasDad on 8 July 2008:
This is an awesome post (one of your best). You are right on with your assessment of state of many American families. People need to stop complaining and setting poor examples for their impressionable children and start creating a more positive future. They’re only setting their children up for misery in their adult lives.
Very well done!
VegasDads latest discovery was..toddler speak
Comment by Matt on 8 July 2008:
Terrific sentiment. As I was reading through this I admittedly saw myself doing much of what you described. This made me actually stop and think about it. Its one of those weird things, sort of like getting into a huge fight with your wife. You know, deep down, that you’re taking it too far and behaving in an unacceptable manner, but emotion takes over and you do it anyway. Definitely something I need to work on personally.
Matts latest discovery was..No, We’re Not Mad At You.
Comment by Jeremy on 8 July 2008:
I’m really glad that people are connecting with this post, and VegasDad - dude, thanks a lot man, I’m humbled. I joke a lot and I like sarcasm, but I HATE complaining. One of the things that really grates my nerves is to see people constantly complaining in front of their kids - it’s like they don’t even realize how much the kids are listening and learning. It’s sad to me.
Pingback by A great post about complaining.. | Sublime Wealth on 8 July 2008:
[...] How very true it is. It makes for some great reading. Below is an excerpt. Be sure to visit Discovering Dad to read the full post.. People like to complain. If it’s not the rise in gas prices, then it’s [...]
Comment by Sean Sharp on 9 July 2008:
Jeremy,
Great post! How we act and what we do as adults definitely impacts how our children will behave and what they think about the world in which they live. My son doesn’t complain too much about gas prices, but sometimes with the stock market in the tank . . . .just kidding. We try and model a positive outlook for our 11 month old every day, and I’m always grateful for having him in my family. Amazing stuff, it really is! Thanks for this post.
Sean Sharps latest discovery was..Discovering Dad
Comment by Sean on 9 July 2008:
In Eckhart Tolle’s book he makes reference to this topic. He recommends (and I have to say that I find that it works) that the more often you catch yourself complaining and recognize it, the faster you will stop complaining. It has worked for me, I work in a place where complaining was out of control. Great Post
Seans latest discovery was..Thought for the Day
Comment by Ed (zoesdad) on 9 July 2008:
I think one of the hardest things for me to do is the Thank You notes. Seems it may be just sequella of a society driven by immediacy but I just find it hard to sit down and write out a note. Can’t I just send a quick e-card and be just as sincere?
Probably not.
Comment by Jeremy on 10 July 2008:
I like e-Cards, but I think you’re right Ed - people prefer hand written notes.
Comment by Jeremy on 10 July 2008:
Thanks Sean! I’m sorry your work is full of complainers, but it sounds like you may be a positive influence on the bunch. It’s good to be different, in this way for sure.
Comment by Kat on 10 July 2008:
I too give my older son notes. I surprise him with them in his lunchbox. I stumbled across them in a book store. They are called “Go Stick It!!” and it is a pack of post-it-notes with cute little sayings and such. It reminds him that even when he is at school I am thankful for all the things that make him him.
And to jump o Ed’s comment, any thank you will do. Gotta save trees Jeremy! (and money for stamps) I would rather get a e-card then no card. Just saying.
Kats latest discovery was..things-don’t-suck-as-much-as-i-thought thursday - third edition
Comment by Jeremy on 10 July 2008:
It sounds like an awesome thing to do Kat! Also, it’s good to hear that someone actually prefers e-Cards - most people I know don’t even know how to retrieve them though! Hopefully, their use will increase in the future!
Comment by JackieW. transplanted Okie (Buried in Legos) on 10 July 2008:
Those are great !
JackieW. transplanted Okie (Buried in Legos)s latest discovery was..Kansas Forest … Thankful Thursday
Comment by The Apron Queen on 10 July 2008:
Thanks for the gentle reminder. I needed that.
I participated too: http://anapronaday.blogspot.com/2008/07/cutest-vintage-pants-apron-ever.html
For your daily dose of vintage goodness & a bit of silliness, stop by Confessions of an Apron Queen
The Apron Queens latest discovery was..Woman Wearing an Apron (Vintage Photos)
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[...] Seven Ways To Role Model Thankfulness. Discovering Dad, early in the week, wrote a tremendous article on a future Manly Virtue post, thankfulness. I liked him coming at this from a direction of your children and how they percieve you. [...]
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Comment by Jennifer Hill on 22 July 2008:
I really agree with your article. I like the point of view you present; I’d never thought of things that way. We do use all of the suggestions in our parenting, but we do talk about how bad the economy is, and bad drivers etc…I will definitely work on keeping that out of the kids hearing!!