Spotlight on Dads is a weekly series from Discovering Dad that features involved fathers from around the world. The objective of the series is to inspire fathers to connect and learn from one another, while also deconstructing the stereotype of fathers as ’second’ parents.

This week’s spotlight shines on Kevin Bushbaker from Return to Manliness.  Kevin is a relatively new adoptive father, and I admire the patience with which he and his wife waited to become parents.  The process of adopting a child has definitely instilled an added sense of appreciation in Kevin for his new and exciting role as a dad.

Tell a little about yourself. My name is Kevin Bushbaker. My wife, Gail, and I just adopted our first son, Jackson. We got Jackson almost 6 months ago as an infant. He needed love, a family and a home - we had all to give.

We’ve been married 10 years and he is the best thing to ever happen to us - except each other. Gail and I have been “in line” for a China adoption for over 3 1/2 years. The process should have taken 1 year, but things slowed down TREMENDOUSLY for various reasons, so we decided to pursue a local adoption in the meantime. ETA on the baby girl from China is another 12 months. No hurry, though, as we are enjoying the little guy.

What about your family background? Gail and I met as MBA students in Michigan. We fell in love after the first date and married 2 years later. My parents are divorced. This one act, if not done correctly (and there is a right way and wrong way to divorce), can negatively affect your kids forever. It changed me and I wish this on no one - ever! I don’t think anyone should be unhappy and if a divorce among parents is unavoidable, the children (and their feelings) MUST come above all. Parents, if they never went through this as children, simply have no idea the kind of impact. Trust me on this.

What do you like most about being a dad? I am so new, it’s hard to say. At the moment, there is nothing better than to have a child completely dependent on me. When we first got him, there were no feelings toward him. It wasn’t love at first sight (although, Gail felt it). I felt nothing other than responsibility. Now, I would take that proverbial “bullet” for him. He is everything to us. It’s the greatest feeling to have him squeeze my fingers or smile only at me in a room full of strangers. That feeling can not be described - you just have to experience it.

What do you find most challenging about being a dad? Things change between the adults. You lose something. Maybe its the intimacy or the independence or the “do what you want when you want to” - not sure. But you lose something. It’s completely worth it, though, because it is replaced with something so great, it’s heaven and we both are so happy.

What’s your most memorable experience(s) so far as a dad? Can I answer this 6 months from now? We have been blessed with Jackson. Never sick or crying too much - he has been nearly perfect. When he does cry, we simply laugh with him and it goes away in seconds and he is laughing with us. The funniest thing to happen though is when he is REALLY crying. We get freaked out a little, but as he is doing it, he puts his arms in the air, clenches his fists, and really puts every ounce of energy into the cry - it’s priceless.

In general, how do you think dads are perceived? Why? Traditional manliness says we are the enforcers and disciplinarians. The lines of responsibility between mother and father are getting blurred, but we will always have this perception.

The thing that disturbs me most about fathers today is the Homer Simpson/Peter Griffin thing. Fathers seen as goofballs, disconnected, and often irresponsible is not good. Most say “aw, those are just cartoons…TV…nobody cares about those.” I disagree. It matters. It drives a subconscious message that is not healthy in raising our children.

How has the experience as dad helped you discover something new about yourself? I always knew I could/would be a great Dad. I am not surprised we have such a well adjusted baby (albeit very early in the game). However, I never knew just how much I loved my wife until we added Jackson to our family unit. Without her, I would be a basket case. I could not imagine doing this alone. She is a great Mom and loves her new role.

On me being a good Dad, I will update everyone just how well I handle the first tantrum or major “challenge of Dad.” I hope I can do well. At least I will have the amazing resource of this site and the other Dads’ wisdom to glean advice.

Who do you go to for advice about fatherhood? My Dad gets smarter and smarter every year that goes by. Most everything he told me as a kid was true - I just didn’t know it at the time. As I go through this, I have to keep reminding him how much of a hero he is to me. When he tells me something now, I listen. My son will know this fact and hopefully Jackson learns the lessons of his father earlier than I did.

All my friends are wonderful sources. They all do it a little differently. It is very similar to my website, Return To Manliness. Every guy’s definition and interpretation is slightly different. I simply want to use all the good examples and throw away the bad ones - according to my definition. Fatherhood, likewise, is slightly different to all of us. If you understand this nuance, then every father can learn something (good or bad examples) from every other father. It’s quite liberating when you think about it.

Do you hang out with many other dads? If not, why? If so, what do you do together? Not too much yet. I am really new, so I’m not in a rush. Our little guy doesn’t do much yet, but once he does, look out. All my friends have kids, so I think this counts. Now that “Uncle Kevin and Auntie Gail” have one of their own, we are looking forward to doing things together.

Tell a little about your website. I write a blog called Return To Manliness. The topic is still evolving. I’ve had decent success thus far - high Alexa ranking; LOTS of passive readers; and plenty of RSS subscribers. I write on TONS of different topics, but all work their way back to my take on the subject of manliness. The topic evolution has me looking to address a generation of young men that have decided to postpone the responsibility of being a man. As I make decisions about how to raise my son, this is a topic that is front and center in my thoughts.

Soapbox moment:

There are a other blogs/sites out there in space of manliness that have taken the position as experts on the topic. They have begun to believe their definition, views and concept is the right and only one. That’s crap. The best we can do as bloggers is to post our own views to help facilitate a discussion. Not to preach to others the “right way to be a man” and then trash anyone who doesn’t agree.

I’m not an expert on manliness for others - nobody is. I just have opinions and a forum to post them. I only want to post my thoughts and learn from others on becoming a better man, father, husband, and son. I didn’t serve in the military, but have had wars alter my life in ways very few could imagine. I just became a father, but have helped raised several children in my extended family. I haven’t had countless sexual conquests, but I’m not a choir boy either. The point here is that all of our experiences have molded who we are as men. We shouldn’t belittle or disparage others with a different set of experiences and a different set of views on the topic. Just read, listen, learn and contribute - then use that to become a better man! Respect others and take responsibility for your actions - the rest is personal choice.

Anything else you’d like to share? I love the new site. It’s a great resource and outlet for men. I tell my friends about the content here and the other sites I read on a daily basis. Thanks for putting it together and putting so much time into the content. All the Dad’s on these sites are shining examples of taking responsibility and being great leaders for their children. I just want to know when and where the First Annual Discovering Dad/Husbands & Dads Summit will be held so I can start planning my trip!

Next week’s Spotlight on Dads will feature a dad who is a forward thinking, 21st Century guy! Come back and learn more about another involved Dad. Make sure you don’t miss it - Subscribe to get free updates.

Spotlight on Dads is a weekly series published each Saturday on Discovering Dad. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. Your feedback and recommendations will help to shape this series. Thanks!

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