Stolen Moments - Making Time to be a Couple
This article written by Contributing Writer Tom Bowns.
Early Thursday morning, while the house was dark and still, my wife and I very quietly slipped out the front door and drove away.
My wife and I were engaged in theft: We were stealing time. The kids would never suspect a thing.
Now don’t get all worried. Our young son Michael was in the capable hands of his teenage sisters, who are old enough to take care of themselves and him during these very short little breaks their mom and I take. They know full well we won’t be gone long and we have our cell phones with us in case of emergency. Thus far, we’ve never gotten a call, and no kid has awakened during our outings.
But it sure feels somewhat criminal, running off to freedom, just the two of us.
Most marriage experts say you should find time for you and your spouse. It’s true, married couples need time together to restore their connection and strengthen their relationship. You can’t be as effective in your roles as mother and father if your resources as husband and wife are depleted.
So my wife and I have found time in the morning.
Neither one of us perkily bounds out of bed at 5:14 AM, but after a couple of swipes at the snooze bar and some mumbled encouragement from one to the other, we have been fairly faithful at arising to take a morning walk together.
We get exercise and time alone. What a deal! It’s like being handed time for free. Sure we might miss a little sleep, but we both agree it’s worth it.
Morning is my favorite time of the day. The world is fresh and new, crisp and unsullied by the day’s affairs. The air is sweet and cool, and there’s hardly a soul around. We have had to dodge the crazy newspaper delivery guy, who caroms his 1982 AMC Eagle around the neighborhood like he’s playing Grand Theft Auto - this gets our blood pumping good and proper. And we usually bring a flashlight to navigate our way around errand bicycles, baseball gloves, misaligned sidewalks or unfinished landscaping projects.
Just this week we walked all the way to the store and back to pick up a much needed gallon of milk.
And we love every step. We talk, we joke, we point out flaws in our neighbors’ yards, we discuss the day’s plans, we tell each other what song we have stuck in our heads, we talk about the kids and what our strategies should be concerning their homework, we plan dinner… we connect.
And when we get back, the house is still dark and quiet, and we feel like we’ve gotten a great jump on the day. And we’re fully awake and prepared to face the challenges of being parents, from getting kids up to getting them ready for school to heading off to our workplaces.
Just by getting up a half an hour earlier. Doesn’t take much time, but it pays back great dividends.
Do you and your wife steal time? If so, how do you spend the time? If not, why not?
Tom Bowns is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is Being Michael’s Daddy. You can also follow Tom on Twitter @michaelsdaddy.
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Comment by Mr Lady on 28 September 2008:
When my husband and I were rebuilding our marriage, we went to the gym 3 days a week together after we took the kids to school. We’d get coffee after, walk around the lake, and I swear it saved us. It was the best time in our entire 10 year marriage. I totally get what you’re saying!
Comment by orlund on 28 September 2008:
I agree that it is very important to spend quality time together. I also have a hard time to get up in the morning but love it. The air is so cold and crisp, bird are singing and everyone else is asleep (no cars or other noises). It is the best time of the day, no doubt.
Comment by B. Wilde on 28 September 2008:
Tom - We have five children and stealing time was never more challenging when they were all too young to leave alone, even in the wee hours of the morning. We finally reached the sweet spot - our daughter is old enough to babysit! We too started going walking in the morning together. I love to run. She doesn’t. She loves to talk late at night. I don’t. So we both compromised and started walking three days a week together. I agree with you on so many points. Couples must have their own time together…UNINTERRUPTED! Mornings are a great time for this. I always joke that we had a great marriage before we had children. We are now starting to feel that again in our lives. Thank you for validating something that is often overlooked, but so important.
Comment by tom on 28 September 2008:
Gotta love it when you have one or two kids who are old enough to babysit the younger ones. Of course, they have to be trustworthy… Whatever time you can take, whenever the opportunity presents itself, be ready to pounce on it.
Comment by Momo Fali on 29 September 2008:
Not long ago, I realized that the only time my husband and I can really connect is when we’re alone and OUT of the house. A walk is a perfect, simple solution to finding much needed time together.
Comment by Jared on 29 September 2008:
Definitely running short on alone time in my house. We manage to get out sometimes on the weekend when a Grandma will watch the little guy. Helps tremendously!
Comment by Gregg on 30 September 2008:
We definitely steal time. My oldest can now take care of herself and babysit, so every Saturday, my wife and I go for a long walk in the morning. We also spend a lot of “cuddle” time each morning before we get up and have been going out more and more alone.
I’ve also met her at a restaurant for a quick breakfast after she drops the kids off at school (she’s a SAHM) and before I head to work if I don’t have to be in early.
Comment by Dobe on 8 October 2008:
CareerMom and I have two young kids. Our work schedules are such that I have more free time during the day, which means I get the gym outta the way, so that when she gets home, she leaves and I keep the kids. Then, it’s dinner, baths and bedtime.
Seems like the only time we get together is lying in bed when our minds are trying to shut down and “relations” is the furthest thing from our mind.
Babysitters are expensive…family is all outta town.
It’s tough, it really is. I know I should savor these times in my kids’ lives, but I honestly can’t wait until they are a bit older. I miss my marriage. Is that selfish?
Comment by tom on 10 October 2008:
Dobe, I know exactly what you mean. It’s not selfish at all. The fact is, when you’re in the midst of a firefight, what you think about most is an escape route. That’s normal.
Once you’re outside, then you start thinking about what went on, and how things could have been better/different. That’s normal.
Be consoled with the fact that things change. The kids don’t stay young, and you’ll have your marriage still once they’ve grown up and gotten more independent.
Some times, the only time we can steal is in the wee small hours of the morning, and then it’s only to sneak downstairs and eat Froot Loops while watching HGTV. It’s something. And yes, we end up very tired the next day… but it’s worth it.