Sweating the Small Stuff
This article written by Contributing Writer Tom Bowns.
I’ve often heard the old saw “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and the lesser-known corollary: “It’s all small stuff.” Whoever wrote these maxims must not have had to take care of any small children.
It’s nearly impossible for a caring parent NOT to sweat the small stuff, particularly when the small “stuff” is being crammed into larger, expensive-to-repair important “stuff.” Being vigilant as a dad means watching what your kids do, being sure they don’t hurt themselves, and trying to intercept things before damage is done to the house and furniture. We’re always on our toes - alert, ready to spring into action and save the day.
Most of the things kids do though does not cause permanent damage. Most things are smaller, such as spilling cereal on the floor, leaving the door open when the heat is on, scribbling on a book with a pen, repeatedly turning on and off a light and flushing things down the toilet. These things are annoying, but they probably won’t hurt anyone. And yet, we often act like it’s the end of the world when they occur.
For example, the other day my son was playing with a bar of soap in the shower; putting it in a cup of water and smushing it around. Dissolving it. Wasting it. My first reaction was to be annoyed. Doesn’t he understand that soap isn’t free?
I was just about to snarl at him to cut it out, but I stopped to think. What’s the big deal? It’s just a bar of soap. What am I so concerned about? He can’t dissolve the whole thing in the time it takes to finish this shower. And even if he does, it’s not going to break the bank to buy more soap. I let it go.
If he were setting the house on fire, then I wouldn’t let it go. If he were going to drink drano, I wouldn’t even stop to think before diving to grab the bottle from his hands. If he was going to put the cat in the dryer, I would discipline him harshly to respect the life of others. If he was doing these types of things every day, I would be covered in sweat from oozing frustration from every pour.
These big things don’t really happen that often though. Instead, it usually the small stuff, like the soap. I’m learning not to “sweat the small stuff,” but I’m definitely not to the point of believing that “it’s all small stuff” … yet.
My challenge to you is to recognize the small stuff you might be sweating, let it go and share it with the rest of us so we can do the same.
Tom Bowns is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is Being Michael’s Daddy. You can also follow Tom on Twitter @michaelsdaddy.
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Apparently I need to write more about this topic.
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Comment by Elliott - 21st Century Dad on 19 November 2008:
I have a 15 month old girl and a 14 year old stepson. I’m getting it at every end of the spectrum.
One day, the baby peed on the changing table. I thought to myself, “yeah, it’s kinda cute. If Austin had peed on the changing table, that’s another story.”
Comment by 1sttimedad on 19 November 2008:
I agree wholeheartedly Tom (insert shameless plug here) and wrote about similar experiences with the ‘little things’ at 1sttimedad.wordpress.com.
It’s so easy to think our kids should be perfectly behaved and ‘adult-like’ because that’s how we act. The question is, why should they be?
Let them have fun, and learn that soap dissolves (slowly) in water, and in my daughter’s case, spread bubbles all over the hardwood floor and then clean them up with a towel. What gets hurt? Nothing. What do they learn — everything.
Comment by Kim on 19 November 2008:
I completely agree. Except for me it is not so easy ..but I have been taking the steps to be aware that sometimes the small stuff really is not a very big deal at all..
Comment by tom on 19 November 2008:
Kim - it’s not so easy for me either. That’s why it was such an epiphany for me, and such a big deal to even discover this fact. I’m not a calm person by nature, and my kids do tend to really push my buttons. But when I stop to think, and really consider the long term effects of whatever particular situation might be unfolding, it sinks in that it probably isn’t worth getting upset about.
Comment by Matt on 19 November 2008:
This is something I have been thinking about a lot, actually. I have become aware that I don’t know where to draw the “small stuff line” anymore. It just seems like its ALL big stuff now.
Maybe I just need a long vacation
Comment by Jeremy on 19 November 2008:
Seems to me that when I was growing up my parents had the same struggle, and they corrected me and addressed my behavior the majority of the time. They gave me freedom to explore and experiment, but they also made sure I knew that it wasn’t OK to destroy things for “fun” or waste things that they worked hard to buy.
I agree that we shouldn’t sweat all of the small stuff, but I also think it can go too far when we ignore behavioral problems and buy into the excuse/abdication for effective parenting by saying “kids will be kids.” The challenge for me is drawing that fine line between allowing my kids to have enough outlets to learn and grow versus giving them free reign to do whatever they want.
I guess I feel like it’s more important to pick my battles than it is to NOT sweat the small stuff. If my kids are doing something they shouldn’t do, I’m not going to ignore it. Does that make sense? Sounds like Tom and others might agree.
Comment by tom on 19 November 2008:
Jeremy, I entirely agree. There is a balance to parenting, and it’s between complete apathy and rigid control.
Myself, I think I was allowed to get away with too much as a child, and I tend to overreact to what my kids might be doing, which means my natural inclination is to gripe about every possible infraction.
Clearly, the equal time answer to what is written above would be: “Paying Attention to the Big Stuff”
Comment by Jeremy on 19 November 2008:
Yep. I’m not interested in rigid control, but I do expect order, respect for others/self/property and accountability.
To me, not sweating the small stuff is also about knowing when it is OK to let my kids fail and learn from their mistakes. Like you and others have mentioned, I don’t have the energy or desire to stress over most of the little things that may annoy me, such as dropping food or drinks on the carpet; however, when my kids deliberately throw food or drinks in a fit or tantrum, then I address the negative behaviors every time.
I will admit that every single time one of my kids touches the flat screen TV, I “sweat” it (and address it) even though I know that it probably doesn’t hurt it.
Comment by Adam on 16 December 2008:
Great advice. I am preparing to be a dad for the first time and appreciate the tips. I can’t stand those parents that just yell at their kids for every little thing, and really want to try to not be like that.