I love my wife very much. She is my best friend, and I enjoy every day we spend together. When we first met, her family teased me because I always dressed up when we saw them. I felt like it was important to put my best foot forward, and it helped to boost my confidence.

Over the years, I’ve relaxed significantly. I am much more comfortable with myself, and I know that my wife (and her family) loves me for who I am. I don’t need to get dressed up any more.

Lori and I will be married for 9 years next month, and it got me thinking about how things have changed since we first met. The biggest change came about two years ago when we decided to become full-time parents. Prior to that, we were part-time parents to my daughter Chani, who stayed with us a few days per month and longer during the summer and other breaks from school.

Parents face many challenges, as they are responsible for ensuring the care and well-being of someone other than themselves. Taking care of a spouse doesn’t really count, even though some act like children. People who aren’t parents don’t realize how much their lives revolve around their own wants, needs and desires. Parents are forced to change priorities and behavior to meet the demands of their new role.

Marriages evolve after you become parents too. Suddenly, your time is fractionalized into so many pieces that you need to omit or ignore things you would have otherwise found important in the past.

At first, you make personal sacrifices, like sleep or socialization with friends. Then, as you begin to discover the incessant needs of children, you make marital sacrifices, like long walks in the park, romantic dinners and hot passionate sex. Together, you and your spouse fumble through rearranging your lives to accommodate your new found bondage.

Throughout this evolutionary process, not all changes are revolutionary in nature. Eventually, you learn how to get back some of the things you lost by learning new ways to maximize your time. Most couples get to a point in which they modify their understanding of, or compromise their beliefs in, the forms of behavior or etiquette adhered to prior to becoming parents.

Bathroom etiquette. First off, after you become a parent, the need to shut the door when using the bathroom becomes optional. Enlightening thoughts and conversations happen when on the porcelain pedestal, so why not share these epiphanies and insights? You also need to be able to listen to, and yell at, the kids when they take advantage of their freedom (omnipresence). Forget about using the fan too – it interrupts conversations and prevents you from hearing the refrigerator door opening and closing. Thankfully, in our case, we haven’t abandoned the use of air fresheners…yet.

Telephone etiquette. This one mostly applies to dads. Screen all calls. I never answer the phone, unless it is a call from my daughter. Talking on the phone is a HUGE waste of time, in my opinion. Lori and I have an agreement – the phone is hers and the TV remotes are mine. If the phone rings, she answers it. If the channel needs changed, I got it. When I talk on the phone with Lori, we have a signal for when I’m done…”Alright, honey…” I have a 2 minute limit (my cell phone plan = 1000 minutes/month; my actual usage = 300 minutes/month. Lori’s cell phone plan = unlimited minutes/month; her actual usage = 4500 minutes!!!).

Dress Code etiquette. Pregnant women need to feel comfortable, so Lori has traded her BCBG skirts for BCBG sweats. As for me, I already stated that I don’t get dressed up very often anymore. One reason for my shift to casual attire is that I’ve gained a lot of weight in the last 2 years. Lori is 7 months pregnant right now, and she has only gained 16 pounds of baby weight. I have gained 30 pounds of sympathy weight between the 2 pregnancies (thank goodness I’m 6’3″ tall, otherwise I’d be the stay-puff-marsh-daddy). The main reason dress code changes happen for parents though is the amount of time it takes to get dressed up isn’t worth it. Why spend an hour getting dressed when you’re inevitably going to get smothered in puke and boogies?

Grooming etiquette. Who has time to shave? I never had a beard prior to my son being born, but I’ve found that I can usually clear out my e-mail inbox in the same amount of time, so what’s it matter to have a little facial hair? Lori hasn’t gotten to this point yet (thank goodness), and I make sure to give her ample time in the shower to keep her legs silky smooth. I also haven’t paid for a haircut in years. How hard is it to buzz my head? Short hair is great because it only takes me 10 seconds to do it in the morning. Lori does her hair before work, but it has become an optional time-saver on the weekends. She’s still beautiful without the curls!

Sex etiquette. Hmmmm. Parents have sex? Just kidding (not really). Comparative time savings before versus after parenthood = at least 20 hours/month. Is that high? It seems low. For most parents, sex is a scheduled event. Spontaneity requires both time and privacy, both of which have become luxury items for us. It amuses me when young couples say to us that their sex life won’t change after becoming parents. Yeah right, keep on deluding yourselves. Parents sacrifice sex because there is only so much sleep you can lose before turning into a jello pudding pop (in more ways than one). Nothing seems sexy when you’re sleep deprived.

Marriages evolve in many ways after becoming parents, and couples learn to adapt to their changing role and added responsibilities. Sacrifices have to be made, but you get something wonderful in return. Kids give you pure, unconditional love. They may not appreciate the changes you make to accommodate them, but they make up for it with every smile, hug and kiss.

Some forms of etiquette may become optional for parents, in order to save time and deal with the dozens of competing priorities in life; however, every modification to behavior is offset by a corresponding benefit. You give a little, but you get a lot.

Parenthood seems to deconstruct a marriage down to its core. It forces couples to reestablish their relationship based on a new set of terms and conditions. It’s a challenging process, and it requires maturity and commitment. In the end, though, it helps to build a stronger bond and a more genuine appreciation for one another.

Married couples who choose to become parents (or parents who choose to become committed couples) are putting their relationship to the ultimate test. Pomp and circumstance is out the window. You will see your spouse at his or her worst and best.

The beauty of it all, though, is that parenthood helps couples remove barriers and connect on a deeper level. It stretches relationships far outside of existing comfort zones, and as a result, it encourages mutual respect and interdependence. It lets you know that you are genuinely loved by another person…even when you’re on the crapper.

Feel free to share your thoughts on how your marriage has evolved since becoming parents.

Related Posts:

20 Kinds of Dads – Which One are You?
What is the History of Discovering Dad?
Thank Goodness My Wife Loves Me Day

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