The Pressure of Being a Good Husband and Dad
This article written by Contributing Writer Matt Pfingsten.
I’m almost thirty-seven. I’m a man, and I’m a husband and father.
I find myself thinking very frequently what these things mean, not only in my own life but also in life in general. It makes me think about things like pressure, responsibility and duty.
I’ve been blogging now for over a year. It has been a journey, to say the least. I’ve made many great friends, shared more of my personal life than I ever meant to, and learned a lot about myself along the way.
I’m kind of a traditional dude. I live in Los Angeles and, admittedly, do some things I bet much of the country would consider to be less than manly. I have been known to bleach my teeth; I know how to eat an artichoke; and, I have no problem telling another guy that I love him. I detest Sarah Palin, and I think taxes should be raised to a point where I don’t feel guilty about sending my daughter to a private school ever again.
At the end of the day, I’m still what I THINK most would consider a “man’s man.” I believe, for better or worse, there is such a thing as a man’s role AND a woman’s role in marriage* and parenting. The details may differ from couple to couple, but the core expectations remain unchanged.
As a man, I feel a lot of pressure to do certain things for my family.
Things are tough right now. You read it in the paper, hear it on the radio and see it on people’s faces. How many of you guys out there are getting more and more used to coming home every day to your family’s expectant faces, only to tell them that nothing changed today and that you are all still in the same boat you were in yesterday?
The truth is we are all pretty much happy to hang onto the status quo, rather than improving things as we wanted in the past. If you’re like me, the current state of affairs in the world and at home can weigh pretty heavily on the brain. Five years ago, I had a blossoming 401K, a college fund for my daughter, a brand new back yard and a Lexus. Now, I am hanging on for dear life and trying to scrape together enough cash for a trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s once every few months. It has been a serious blow to the ego, and it’s hard not to feel like a failure.
Jeremy’s site has been an inspiration to me since the day I stumbled upon it, and since I learned of it I have always tried to hold its core Mission Statement close to my heart: “Learning What it means to be a good dad.”
For me, in the last couple of years, that definition has changed. Two years ago, being a good dad meant growing the empire, planning stellar family vacations and buying my daughter every toy and puzzle her heart desired. It was about providing for my family financially and GIVING them everything I could possibly give. Now, it’s more about survival and less about spending – my life is not about THINGS any more, whether I wanted it to be or not…it just isn’t.
Trash me all you want, but I believe that a man (husband and father) has a traditional responsibility within a family unit, regardless of how progressive we or society has become. I will also go out on a limb and suggest that many women would agree, for the most part.
Mothers, wives, women still look to their mates, to their MEN, for inspiration, direction and leadership. They look to them to assure them that everything will be OK and that, although faced with uncertain times, their family will end up OK on the other side of the current stress or financial nightmare. It was much easier when life was less narrow to pony up a dozen roses or a new moon bounce for your kid to make everything seem OK, but what really matters is what you do when times are tough.
A man provides strength under pressure, calm in the midst of a storm and security for the present and future.
Listen, dudes. We are all in trouble. If you are anything like me you are no stranger to lying awake in bed at night worried about the mortgage or the car payment…wondering if you have what it takes to get these people that you love through to the this low point. These are the times you learn what you’re made of – if you’re able to rise to the challenge. It’s probably been a while, but you’ve done it in the past. When you tried out for football or baseball in high school. When you went up against the most popular dude in class for the lead role in the school play. When you sat down, after cramming for 72 hours for the SAT’s, to prove that you actually were smart enough to get into college. And, let’s not forget the moments you realized your life was about to change when you got married and had your first child. This is PRESSURE, and our life experiences should have prepared us to face it and come out ahead.
Whether you like it or not you are a man – husband and/or father – and, if you’re reading this on Discovering Dad, then you’re probably a good one. Times have changed and the pressure is on. Let your family know you’ve got it under control. If you don’t have it under control, let them think you do and get it under control as soon as you possibly can. There’s no other way to say it than Man Up and make something good happen for your family – they need you more than ever, right now.
What are you doing to deal with the current economic pressures on your family? How are you providing strength and security? Rember the saying, “If not you, who? If not now, when?” You are the man and your family needs you now! Please leave a comment about what you are doing to make everything alright for your family.
*I voted NO on prop 8, in case you were wondering.
Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad. His personal site is The Playpen. You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.
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Comment by PJ Mullen on 6 April 2009:
This is a great post Matt, I really enjoyed it. I’m a SAHD dad to my 11 month old son and losing the second income has been an adjustment. It was our decision for me to not go back to work. I hated what I was doing and quit to renovate a house we had purchased to be our home after were married. Then we were blessed with our little man, and I’ve been his primary care giver ever since. We’ve definitely seen our share of belt tightening. Very few meals out anymore, if we can’t pay cash for it we don’t buy it and our discretionary spending has come to a halt. It’s all good though. We are fortunate that my wife has an excellent job and makes a good salary. We live in an area with a good cost of living and are very focused on spending time with our son. After all, the gift of our time is more precious than any gift I could buy him anyway. It isn’t always easy, but you just half to plow through and see things for what you have in life.
Comment by tom on 15 April 2009:
Excellent points, and I’m glad you don’t mind telling it like it is – or should be.
So much of manhood these days is rejected or touted as obsolete it’s good to see some encouraging signs of others who believe that men should bear their responsibility like real men: with dignity, strength and leadership. I truly believe that’s what a man’s family needs from him.
“Man up” — that sums it up.
Comment by The Dadical on 25 April 2009:
It’s tough, yes. But the only way to teach your boys to be men is to let them see you be one. That’s one reason that I moved out to the sticks: http://dadicals.blogspot.com/2009/04/get-kids-were-moving-to-woods.html Not always easy, but lots of opportunities to be manly!
Comment by chuck on 11 May 2009:
I would like to know about the examples of being a MAN that you in reality show your sons and daughters seem a bit harsh or difficult to understand about what is ahead of them in life. Why did Dad come home upset today? Why did Dad overreact about the stolen bicycle? What is wrong with Dad at the dinner table tonight he is arguing about nothing? Why does Dad talk to the News on T.V.? Why does Dad squeeze the hand of my new boyfriend so hard when he first meets them? Why does my Husband get angry over what the kids did today, I called him earlier and told him what happened and when he came home he was all upset and we had moved on? How come when my brother does something stupid it doesn’t bother me, but when Dad has a problem the entire family gets nervous? PS I can’t just move to the sticks.
Comment by Joe Bloe on 4 January 2010:
This sums it up. It sucks, but we have to cowboy up and push through it. Good luck to all the dads out there…