This article written by Contributing Writer Matt Pfingsten.

Photo Credit: Kaffee/Massie/Splash News Online

The other day I was eating lunch with my daughter Frankie. We were enjoying cream cheese and jelly sandwiches. As meals sometimes go in my house, it turned into a battle of wits to see who could trick the other into taking a bite. After a mad flurry of bites mixed with screams and giggles, I ended up with cream cheese smeared on my face and strawberry preserves matted into my hair.

Somehow during the battle, I bent my fingernail back, so I wrapped a wet paper towel around it as a makeshift bandage. My dog also jumped into the mix, swiped a muddy paw on my butt and pulled my shorts down around my knees. I bent down to scold her, and when I straightened up I cracked my head on an open cabinet door. I instinctively jerked my hand up to massage the wound, and along the way caught the edge of the Cheerios box dumping cereal onto my feet and the floor.  In the confusion, I stomped and squished the Os into a dusty mess and got a few stuck in between my toes.

Once the calamity was finally over, I took a step back and looked at myself in the mirror. I-was-HOT. I mean, its no wonder my wife is so into me.  I was hot enough to eat right then and there, especially if cream cheese, strawberry jelly and cheerios turn you on.  I don’t know many guys without kids who could pull off a look that this, but us Dads look damn good coming out of a food fight with a toddler and the family pet.

I was so inspired when I looked in the mirror that I decided to jot down this list of reasons why we dads are way more attractive to women than young dudes with pomade heads hanging out in clubs until 3:00 A.M. Read it and weep, fellas.

Top 10 Reasons Why Dads are Hotter than Guys Without Kids

10. We have incredible fashion sense. Armani? Hugo Boss? Psshaw. You can get 10 pairs of cargo shorts and a Corona T-shirt at Target for around $14, and you’ll look just as sharp as David Beckham. And, our busy work schedule creates a distressed, casually-wrinkled look that says, “I am comfortable in my own skin. I dig me.”  The man makes the clothes, the clothes don’t make the man, know what I’m sayin?

9. We have a keen sense of economics. Dads instinctively know that Ski-ball doesn’t pay out. Three 500’s in a row only yields, like, five tickets. The real money games are Ball-Into-The-Frog’s-Mouth and Basketball Challenge. These are low-risk machines. And we are not afraid to shove our kids out of the way, so we can whack a ton of moles in the last 10 seconds. We also understand cost/benefit. No child of mine is going to blow 10 tickets on a cheap spider ring when you can get an LED spinning top for 20.  Guys without kids spend like $50 trying to win a giant panda – where the hell is a lady going to keep that thing anyway? Dads know that giant stuffed animals are garage sale or Salvation Army fodder.

8. We are natural leaders. I was running a meeting at work the other day. My agenda dealt with important, corporate things like broadening demographic and market penetration. At the end of the meeting, when I could tell the other attendees were totally enthralled and hanging on my every word, I closed with “What’s gonna work?” To which, I got a resounding, unanimous, almost deafening response of “Teamwork!” You know you’re hot when you can get a room full of people at work to recite the motto of the Wonder Pets.  Guys without kids have no idea how to rally a room full of mostly parents to do anything more than go to lunch.

7. We have sophisticated palates. Dads know good food, which makes each and every one of us a serious, sophisticated gourmet. Even blindfolded I can tell you when there is not enough milk in the Mac & Cheese or the powder hasn’t been mixed well enough. And don’t even TRY to slip EasyMac past me. I know the difference. I am refined.  You know the single guys without kids are still eating rayman, right?  They may take you out to a nice restaurant, but I guarantee their cupboards are bare.  Dads pantry (and fridge) are stocked with good food (and beer), and everyone knows that women love men who can cook.

6. We are hyper-mechanical. A while ago, a buddy and I had a contest to see who could change four D-cell batteries on a toy motorcycle the fastest. Timed tasks included cutting open the battery pack, finding a Phillips screwdriver, opening the toy, replacing the batteries and turning on the toy. When finished, we threw our right hand up and waved it around rodeo style. We tied at 6.08 seconds each. Michael Phelps could never beat that time. Ever.  Guys without kids are too busy flexing or making sure the ladies are watching them complete every task.  Meanwhile, dads are getting things done, and women like men who can fix battery-operated devices quickly.

5. We have irresistible physiques. Everyone knows that women subconsciously LOVE flabby dudes. They go after the ripped, low-body fat guys only to draw the jealous attention of portly, softer men. They see us as more stable and substantial. Its true, I saw it on the Discovery Channel – the show was called I’m Bringin’ Flabby Back: 10 Reasons Why Justin Timberlake is NOT Sexy.

4. We are battle-tested. Dads are tough. We have nerves of steel. We have been through the war and seen many, many battles. We have the scars of poop-losions burned into our brains, and we have first-hand knowledge of the miracle of birth. Hand a dude with no kids a poopy diaper, a moldy cheese stick and a spit rag filled with puke and watch him run like scared little school boy. In the same situation, we dads would shove the diaper in the stroller, the cheese stick in our mouth and wave the spit rag round-and-round above our head, while screaming “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” That, my friends, is tough, and tough, if you didn’t know, is HOT!

3. We are fluent in multiple languages. At some point in time, every person has walked by a dad with his child in the market and heard him say “Uh-uh, no binky. A boo-boo? Finish your baba so we can have din din.” This not only showcases our intelligence and vast rhetorical range, but also it proves that any one of us could be a secret agent or spy, if we wanted to.  Guys without kids only speak one basic language, “Hey baby, what’s your sign? Lookin’ mighty fine in them jeans. Wanna come over to my place and grind?”  I mean, come on, it’s practically cave talk already.  Where’s the creativity – the ingenuity – of making up words like “abadabadadilicious?”

2. We drive hot cars. Most women I know hate sports cars. Ferraris and Porsches are small and uncomfortable, and they scream “over-com-pen-sa-tion!” Not to mention, the flashy colors and shiny wheels strain their eyes, and the roar of the engine just makes them feel sleepy. Dads know that women like station wagons and minivans because they are bigger and plusher.  You can “do” more things in them, you know? In addition, the warm, damp aroma of food and animals is a major turn on.  Trust me guys, get a van or wagon.

1. The #1 reason why dads are hotter than guys without kids? We no longer put ourselves before our families. You got it (thought I was gonna throw out some silly, sarcastic reason, didn’t ya?)! We will lay down in traffic for our wives and kids, and women find that level of commitment irresistable.  We create loving environments and we are strong for our family. Dads put others first, and selflessness is damn HOT!

Even with a spare tire and thinning hair, I know I’m hotter now than I’ve ever been in my life because I’m a good husband and father. Big props to all the good dads out there who know what it means to take care of your family.  And to all you guys without kids reading, you too can join the ranks of the hottest men on the planet once you become a responsible and loving father.  In the meantime, have fun at the club driving your Ferrari and eating out at fancy restaurants (bastids)!

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad.  His personal site is The Playpen.  You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

Popularity: 9% [?]

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.