What Dads Think About Flirting
This article is Part 2 of 5 for the series What Dads Really Think - Moms Want to Know.
Kim from Jogging In Circles. wants to know what dads really think about flirting.
She explains further what she and other Moms want to know:
What is harmless flirting? Is there such a thing? I pose this question because after eight years of being together with my husband (four of which we are married), I know my husband flirts. I know this, and I am not bothered by it, because I am that secure in our relationship.
I will admit in the beginning of our relationship I was not sure how to interpret the flirting. However, after growing as a couple and finding security in our love and vows. it does not bother me anymore. But some people do not see it that way, and I understand that this subject is open to individual interpretation. Who can say what level of flirting is okay? It varies from person to person, and depends on the stability of the relationship and past infidelities.
For people who don’t flirt naturally, it can definitely seem a little taboo. I’m flirty sometimes, but as I said, I’m also comfortable in my marriage. Also, for clarity, I know there is a difference between harmless flirting and emotional infidelity. Infidelity can occur from flirting, understood. But innocent flirting is not destructive. In my opinion, it is a natural and healthy way for two people to interact.
What are your thoughts? I am interested to hear what Dads have to say regarding this matter, especially because of the popularity of blogs and social sites. It is easy to leave a comment that may seem flirtatious. Do you engage in harmless flirting? If you do, would you mind if your wife participated in flirting on the same level? If not, why not (to both questions)?
Here’s what the Dads think about Flirting:
Jim from The Busy Dad Blog. To me, flirting is not only harmless, but I will venture to say that it is beneficial to a relationship. Keep that in mind as I lay an analogy on you.
I have been doing martial arts for close to 18 years. I have never gotten into a physical confrontation on the street. In the ring and on the mat, I have banged it out hundreds of times with all kinds of people, from newbies to pro kickboxers to UFC fighters. Because I’ve gone through the motions and tested myself in that arena, I have nothing but confidence when I walk down the street. I have no need to prove myself. It’s that “I could so kick your ass if I needed to” self-assurance that keeps me in line.
Let’s jump back to flirting. Do you see the connection yet? Too much of a stretch? I need to explain, huh. Well, perfect, because I have to fill at least 3 paragraphs. Flirting is like sparring. It keeps you sharp and reassures an old guy that he’s still got it. I like to think of myself as simply a friendly guy, but the fact of the matter is I’m probably flirtatious. How do I know? If I can take any comment, email or IM communication I have ever sent to a female and also send it to Jeremy (aka Discovering Dad), then I’m friendly. If that same communication would give him second thoughts about meeting up with me for a beer while I’m in his part of the country, then that’s flirtatious.
Does that make me a bad husband? A cheater? No. Not at all. I’m sparring. It stays “in the ring.” In fact, it actually contributes to keeping me in line. When I playfully banter, I’m indulging my social side, gaining reassurance that I’ve “still got it,” and I’m generally maintaining my self confidence as a male animal who has the ability to kill things and mate. All those things help me feel more settled in my role as a monogamous family man - killing things has evolved into building Legos, and mating occurs if I’m not being annoying or driving her nuts, which is rare.
And yes, anything I allow myself to do in this life, I would also be 100% OK with my wife doing. Always. No exceptions.
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Joe from Joeprah.com. Out of respect for my wife and our relationship, I subscribe to the policy that flirting is just wrong. I use my wife as an example for me here, she would never consider “flirting” to be acceptable behavior in a relationship, I mean unless it was with each other. She works in a male dominated industry, and I wouldn’t want her to flirt with the guys she works with in order to move up in the world.
I don’t think flirting has really been part of our culture, and to be honest, I am sure I would be pretty bad at it. I could never really understand flirting, and I always thought that certain girls hated me only to find out later they had crushes on me. My wife, like any women with taste, fell for me instantly. Sadly though, I had no idea because I couldn’t interpret the flirting. This may be a shocker to folks out there, but I had a lot of self-esteem issues growing up probably because of my tumultuous home life. So it was always hard for me to imagine that anyone would find me appealing.
Flirting within our relationship is different than outside of our relationship. My wife seldom, or never, flirts with me to get something she wants, like a smore or nice meal. All she has to do is ask. We are, however, sexually active adults, and therefore we flirt like crazy anytime we are around each other. Awesome.
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Ed from Zoe’s Dad. I don’t flirt…..anymore. My wife won’t let me! Truth be told, I was never really good at flirtation as an art form, advancing not too far beyond the DO YOU LIKE ME? CHECK ONE ____ YES ___ NO. Remember that one? Either way, the girl was getting a slug in the arm, and I was heading back to the monkey bars. It’s kind of weird, really. I guess I feel that flirtation is, in some way, disrespectful to my wife and the commitment I have made to her.
To the best of my recollection, I have never made a comment about how hot or totally fine a particular woman may be (in the presence of my wife). Not even the “mmm, mmm” she mutters every time she sees a photo of Eddie Vedder or Brady Quinn or any number of others I jokingly refer to as Her Boys. I just don’t do it. It kind of hurts when she does it, but I’ve never said a word (Goes back to those issues I have with communication).
I just realized that last paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with flirting. Sorry. I can say this - Deep down, it feels really good, flattering actually, when it seems like a girl is flirting with me. It’s an ego boost, a little shot to the psyche. Yet, beyond genuine kindness and proper Southern manners in return from me, that’s about as far as it goes.
Let’s face it, I’ve been married eight years; I’m a Stay at Home Dad; gainfully unemployed, with five kids the oldest of whom is just completing first grade. I got here by way of flirting. I think it’s done enough damage, don’t you? I don’t flirt anymore!
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Chuck from D is for Dad. If I have to draw a hard jagged line in the sand, then I’m going to have to be on the side that is against flirting. The problem with flirting is it often resides in deep gray recesses and isn’t known as flirting until, well, until it’s too late. One moment you are being kind to someone, and the next moment you’re flirting. It happens in an instant, almost without you being fully aware it’s occurring. When I consider flirting, I like to compare it to being “kinda pregnant.” There’s no such thing. You’re either pregnant or your not. You’re either flirting or you aren’t.
I do have a dilemma though. I was raised to place women on a bit of a pedestal. Not in an ivory tower, mind you, but on a pedestal. What this means is I will often be kinder to a woman that I will be to a man. I am more forgiving of women than I am of men. Women get much more benefit of the doubt than the guys do. If I’m being waited on by a waitress, she is going to get a better tip than the waiter. I’ve been told in the office that it is very obvious when the person on the other end of the phone is female. Occasionally, I have been accused of flirting in many of these instances, but the truth of the matter is I wasn’t flirting at all I was just being kind. I really didn’t have flirtatious thoughts flowing about. So in these instances am I being a flirt?
When it comes down to it, the energy that I could put into flirting should be directed toward my wife, and hers to me. Frankly, there is nothing sexier than to be flirted with by the woman you have been sharing a bed with for more than a decade. The fact that she is interested in extending that courtesy is a great compliment and validation that the next decade should be pretty bangin’.
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Jeremy from Discovering Dad. In and of itself, I don’t think flirting is that big of a deal. It lacks the element of harmful intent. Most people I know, married or single, flirt. The problem I see is when flirting becomes a habit, or it is used to manipulate or control others.
Personally, I feel like it’s disrespectful to flirt with someone in front of my wife. Thankfully, in my life about the town, I’m pretty oblivious to opportunities to practice this behavior. In smaller settings, or within blogs or social networks, I’m more playful and relaxed in nature, so I guess you could call that flirting. Again, though, it doesn’t have a negative intent against my wife, and it’s not a habitual behavior for me.
My wife, on the other hand, is definitely a flirt. She has one of the most outgoing personalities you would ever see, and people are naturally drawn to her. I’ve never felt uncomfortable though with her actions (even though a few times I did about the short skirts or ‘hi-there’ signs posted on the cleavage). After nearly ten years together, I feel confident and secure in our relationship no matter what. I know that she knows where the appropriate boundaries are on this topic, and she knows that I don’t really think enough about flirting to make her worry. Make sense?
An issue I see with flirting, though, is that even if your intent is harmless and innocent you can’t control how others perceive it. Some might think a joke and a smile means you want to hop in the sack with them. Others might think a 
and a thank you e-mail means that you’re their new BFF! And again, if the innocent flirting is habitual on your part, then the chances of people taking it the wrong way go up.
Harmless flirting is OK, but use common sense and make sure your spouse or significant other isn’t upset by it.
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Alright Moms, Dads, wives, husbands, women and men, readers in general - it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts about flirting? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? What are the things that you do in your relationship? Don’t be shy or humble - please share your communication tips and insights!
Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them - they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.
Part 3 of the series continues tomorrow with the panel sharing What Dads Think About PORN!
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Comment by BusyDad on 1 July 2008:
Whew. Thanks for coming thru Jeremy. I was feeling like the odd man out for a while. And let me emphasize that the flirting I’m talking about is like what Jeremy said - playful. AND very importantly between folks who know each other and would not misinterpret any of it as intent.
Comment by Secret Agent Mama on 1 July 2008:
Well, I agree with Jim. I flirt (with both men and women, I do not discriminate), and I know that Michael flirts. I don’t see anything wrong with harmless flirting. A smile, a kind word, a compliment, and the like. Even online, I don’t see a problem flirting. Where the problem can arise is if it goes over the line. If it goes over the line, then there’s trouble.
Me, personally, I think it’s just my nature to be flirtatious. The one I flirt the most with though, receives a different type of flirting. I can honestly say that there is a clear difference.
Great topic and varied responses!
Comment by dan leone on 1 July 2008:
Judging from 5 honest and awesome answers to a sincere and equally awesome question, it is clear that each has their own definition of what flirting is. Whether it is the simple act of treating a woman differently than a man, to nothing more than a game of verbal ping-pong, to the very real danger of using flirting as a way of baiting, validating, compensating or filling a void, it is clear that we each have our own definition of what it means to flirt.
All I can say, in sincerity, is whether or not it is “wrong” to flirt (wickedly dangerous word), I still call myself a flirt (duh!) and I happily engage in it (it is also wrong for me to each a bag of Doritos at midnight, but that does not stop me). My wife is also a flirt, in different ways. We each see no problem with that at this time.
As the walls between people are broken down with the internet and the advent of the social media (ie Twitter, Plurk, IM, etc), I believe we will continue to re-evaluate and redefine what it means to have relationships with the opposite sex, whom we have little expectations of meeting in real life.
Excellent, thought-provoking question, Kim! Fantastic, thoughtful answers from all the dads! Keep up the great work!
Dan
Comment by Charlie on PA Tpk on 1 July 2008:
To some, what I do to salesclerks and the like is considered flirting.
To anyone who knows me, it’s merely making conversation and relating to a retail clerk who spends their time dealing with people who are generally rude.
Plus, I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have my much-better-half, why would I dare risk the relationship with ’serious’ flirting?
Charlie on PA Tpks latest discovery was..Are Blogs being silenced because of political content?
Comment by Dad of Divas on 1 July 2008:
Great topic and posts… I do not find myself flirting anymore…I think back to even early in my marriage and like Chuck placed my wife on a pedestal and felt wrong flirting (except with her). I enjoy still flirting with my wife (as much as I can) as I think this playful kind of banter keeps love and laughter alive within our home.
Comment by Chuck on 1 July 2008:
I have one of those addictive personalities. Not chronically so but enough that I can get myself into trouble if I’m not paying attention. This is why I had a problem smoking for a very long time. This is why I don’t drink alcohol very much and probably why I don’t flirt. I see the pitfalls associated with it and ME.
Like SAM says, “Where the problem can arise is if it goes over the line”. Unfortunately this line we speak of is often not considered until it has been trampled into the ground.
Great responses thus far!
Chucks latest discovery was..Those things that shape you
Comment by Kim on 1 July 2008:
I am excited to see the variety of responses so far. I have to agree with SAM, “Where the problems can arise is if it goes over the line.” There is definitely a line, and as I have gotten “older” and a little wiser, you tend to see the line more clearly. In my 20’s it was hard to see because I was just so naive to it all, but as my 30’s start to close out I know my limits.
Kims latest discovery was..DiscoveringDad.net - What Dads Really Think
Comment by A Whole Lot of Nothing on 1 July 2008:
I’m with Jim and Kim (hey, that rhymes!). My husband and I both flirt online and in real life, and for us, it’s a bit of an aphrodisiac (thanks spell check). When we see we still “got it” it’s a bit of a turn-on.
I welcome flirting from men and women, so bring it on!
A Whole Lot of Nothings latest discovery was..Top 100: #81-100 - My Beliefs
Comment by Joe on 1 July 2008:
I think this is a cool discussion and I feel like I am bit of an outcast at times with the online community because I see a fair amount of flirting going on. I can see that it can be viewed as harmless to some folks since it is simply something that they are accustomed to, but as for me and Hot Wife we both grew up in families where those examples weren’t there and I just could never imagine my father or my grandfathers flirting so perhaps that helped shape me a bit. Maybe I am a bit of a throw back in that sense too. I love this discussion, great topic Kim!
Comment by Chuck on 1 July 2008:
I think Dan Leone hit on something pretty important. The definition. How one interprets flirting is subjective. Intentional flirting (to me) is akin to being disrespectful to your spouse or partner. This doesn’t seem to be a very popular opinion (judging from the small sampling so far).
Chucks latest discovery was..Those things that shape you
Comment by Platypibri on 1 July 2008:
I think flirting is more or less a crime of intent. I make most of my income as an entertainer. I play in a couple of cover bands, and in addition to playing my music, my job, more or less, is to make people happy. One of the tools in my arsenal (at least with the ladies) is flirtation. In this context, to me, it’s no different than flattering a guy with “You are the MAN!” style comments. To me, this is also that same as when I flatter a person serving me in a (possibly) crap job. They deal with jerks all day. If I bring a smile to their face, I think I’ve made the world a better place.
Dropping lines on a strange woman that I don’t “really” have a reason to interact with, however, is a big no-no for me. So much so, that when I stopped to help a woman after a car accident who clearly would have appreciated a hug, I found myself refusing to do so even though I KNOW my wife would have been ok with it in that extreme situation. So, I don’t flirt in the grocery isle. I don’t flirt on the street. I don’t flirt with anyone who even loosely fills the role of co-worker. Those are my guidelines, anyway.
Platypibris latest discovery was..Massively Multi-Tasking Offline Real Playing Game
Comment by Lunanik on 1 July 2008:
I am in 100% agreement with Jim and SAM.
I think flirting is healthy as long as it doesn’t cross that line. Where that line is totally depends on the couple. You have to know your boundaries. As long as you respect that, then you’re golden.
I flirt a lot. I flirt with men and women. Always have, always will (yep, even when I’m 90). It’s fun, it’s playful, it makes all parties involved giggle and feel good. You make a few jokes, you have a few laughs, and then you go to bed and snuggle (or more *wink*wink*) with your significant other.
It seems flirting provides a sort of instant gratification. A quick fix for your fun button, if you will. As long as your long term satisfaction is fulfilled by and given to your One and Only, it’s all good.
Lunaniks latest discovery was..MIA
Comment by Jeremy on 1 July 2008:
All you have to do is take a look at Joe’s hair to know he’s a throwback - he would have fit right in the ’50s and been an original Fonzerelli
Like Chuck said, I can have addictive tendencies too. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to moderate potentially negative behaviors. Flirting was never really one of those behaviors for me though. If anything, I’ve had to learn how to be more friendly with others and allow some playful banter to get a platonic friendship to develop.
I think Dan, Mishi, Jim, Kim and others have hit on a point that relationships of all kinds, including friendships, often start with might be perceived as playful or flirtatious behaviors. If you don’t smile, compliment or send out some positive vibes, then people don’t want to be around you anyway.
Great conversation so far! Can’t wait to see what others are going to say about this topic!
Comment by Stacey on 1 July 2008:
Great post and discussion!
In my opinion, “intentional flirting”, crossing the line and/or continued flirting with the same individual(s) can be very hurtful to the other person in the relationship.
I’m curious, what do other people consider “crossing the line”?
Staceys latest discovery was..It’s-a-Comin’!
Comment by Lori B on 1 July 2008:
Yes, Honey, I am a flirt (thanks for narc’ing me out.) Still, I am really surprised by male panelists’ thoughts on this topic. Shocked, in fact.
The vast majority of men and women that I interact with at work definitely do not subscribe to that “flirting is disrespectful” school of thought. Married or single, gay or straight, male or female… it seems “everyone does it (flirting, that is.)”
Perhaps it is the industry I am in (retail?) In fact, most people I interact with don’t see flirting as a negative behavior or used as a method of getting ahead. Rather, flirting is a way to maintain a relaxed and fun environment. One of the biggest flirts that I know is approaching 70 years old, has been happily married for 45 years, and is shameless in his banter. And yes, we love him anyway.
Hmmmm… I wonder…. how many of the panelists claim to “not flirt” because they would be offended if their spouse or significant other was innocently flirting? To me, there is a line, and if you don’t cross it or act disrespecfully, there is “no harm no foul.” Anyone else agree?
Comment by Matt on 1 July 2008:
This is a great topic…I enjoyed all the responses. I’m on Jim’s side. Certain personalities are flirtatious by nature, and denying that means you’re not being true to yourself. Its OK to flirt, and even better when someone flirts with you. My wife and I have a very strong relationship. But the difference is, I KNOW she loves me and finds me attractive (at least after a couple of greyhounds!) But someone else who flirts with me reinforces my ego in a different way. And I think she would say the same thing. She’s come home and told me that some dude was checking her out at the market…and I can tell she feels good about it.
I think that the yardstick for harmless vs. over-the-line flirtation is your spouse or partner. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable having them witness your behavior in person, or on the internet, you are probably going to far, and disrespecting them. Just keep it innocent, and its fine.
PS - So, BD…if I’m reading it right, I’m supposed to go home and have a glass of wine with my wife, then do a “Monkey Steals Plums” Kempo move on her? I dunno…just doesn’t seem like she’ll be into that.
Matts latest discovery was..Top Ten Tips for Encouraging Your Toddler To Go In Her Diaper.
Comment by BusyDad on 1 July 2008:
@Lori B - My wife and I actually have very different opinions about this. I subscribe to your view. And yes, as I mentioned, what is good for me is good for her. In flirting and everything else in life.
My wife claims that flirting is a no-no, yet she tells me of guys she’s met and talked to when she’s out with her co-workers for happy hour or whatnot and judging from what she tells me, that is flirting in my book. I think like many people mentioned, it really depends on what you consider flirting.
Like Lunanik, SAM, Dan Leone and a few others mentioned, if you know the line and don’t cross it, flirting is a healthy thing.
BusyDads latest discovery was..Rollin’ on tha Eastside… the Far Eastside
Comment by Kevin (ReturnToManliness) on 1 July 2008:
Jim and Jeremy’s comments are where I fall out on this. The other Dad’s are all correct as well. How is this? Because every man has to decide how they feel about this on their own (with their wives of course). It is a very individual thing for couples to decide if it is OK or not. One very important consideration though, is how your friends and the people you may be flirting with deal with your decision.
What I gather out of this post the most however, is the fact that open communication with your spouse is the key. You must be on the same page to avoid any miscommunication in this area. If you are not both completely OK with the level of which you allow each other, then it is a recipe for disaster.
Great conversation…
Comment by BusyDad on 1 July 2008:
@Matt Grasshopper, Panda Palms Melons is the move you are looking for.
BusyDads latest discovery was..Rollin’ on tha Eastside… the Far Eastside
Comment by Jeremy on 1 July 2008:
To me, crossing the line is flirting with the intent of seduction, control, manipulation or revenge. The “I’ll show him/her that I’m still hot and people want me”-type of flirting, in order to prove a point to your spouse, is going too far. So is flirting with your boss in order to get a promotion or some other kind of special treatment. Acting flirtatious in a way that clearly makes your spouse uncomfortable is probably going too far, but I wonder at times why people might be overly sensitive about this topic (insecurity with themselves, the relationship, been hurt in the past….prior infidelity experience….I wonder).
Lori and I just talked about this and agreed that crossing the line is doing anything that we wouldn’t do in front of each other.
Comment by tom on 1 July 2008:
The overarching theme I see here is respect, and how much of it these guys have for their wives. However flirting is defined, it’s heartening to know that at the core of it, their love and real flirting energy is for their wives exclusively. That’s great to know.
toms latest discovery was..The Manival 10
Comment by Charlie on PA Tpk on 1 July 2008:
I think ‘crossing the line’ can be summed up as follows:
= There’s a silly cell phone commercial where the faceplate is as reflective as a mirror; a guy is listening to his gal talk while she applies makeup (using her phone as mirror) when two gals stroll by. The guy uses his phone as a mirror to catch them walking away, and his gal catches him. While it is certainly expected that men (and women, for that matter) not gush over attractive people of the opposite sex - especially when we’re with our mates - in spite of our better intentions our eyes may sometimes wander. However, to actively (as opposed to unconsciously) use a mirror to catch a better view is an example of “crossing the line.”
= Saying something that would be contrary to your personality is crossing the line. If you aren’t ebullient with your wife in general, but suddenly effuse complements to a sales gal, you are certainly acting in a manner I’d say is straight-out wrong.
Charlie on PA Tpks latest discovery was..Stars and Stripes FOREVER
Comment by Chuck on 1 July 2008:
This is getting interesting. For the record, I don’t subscribe to my views because of some overly sensitive occurrences from the past. I also don’t subscribe to ANY views because popularity dictates or encourages it (everyone else acts such and such a way).
I can’t say I’m surprised at the side the conversation is taking though. What is in the comments seems pretty indicative of what we see in society. Good or bad.. we are they and they are we. Yeah, now I’m confused too.
Chucks latest discovery was..Those things that shape you
Comment by Secret Agent Mama on 1 July 2008:
One of my best friends was burned by intentional flirting. But, she was able to forgive her spouse and she trusts him still. I asked her why she trusts him and she said, “He made a mistake. We were in a bad place, and he made a mistake. He is human.” She knows her husband is still a flirt, as is she, but she is confident that her husband won’t cross the line. Then she laughed, “I just threaten his manhood, Lorena Bobbit style!”
Honestly, I can see both sides of this coin. I respect all views on it, too.
Comment by Jeremy on 1 July 2008:
Chuck - I am now confused
Has things changed for you over time?
I like what Matt said about being true to yourself and your personality, and I like what Charlie said about acting out of character as an example of crossing the line.
I think it is very important to know, though, that someone might have to modify natural behaviors in order to make a relationship with your spouse work. Not to an extreme, but in all things there needs to be a respectful understanding and common ground reached. Flirting is no different.
Comment by Stacey on 1 July 2008:
@Jeremy and Charlie on PA Tpk: Great responses! “Respectful understanding” is a good way to describe it, Jeremy.
As someone wrote, if you wouldn’t be comfortable saying something in your significant other’s presence, that should be a pretty good indication that you shouldn’t be saying it!
Staceys latest discovery was..It’s-a-Comin’!
Comment by Matt on 1 July 2008:
Good point, Jeremy. The operative word is “modify”. Set some limits, then live by them. But do not completely deny yourself part of who you are. If you find yourself in a situation where you are required to do that then, in my opinion, it may be time to take a closer look at the situation.
Matts latest discovery was..Top Ten Tips for Encouraging Your Toddler To Go In Her Diaper.
Comment by Diane on 1 July 2008:
I love this topic. There is little I can say that hasn’t been said here already, so I’ll just insert my two cents. I think flirting is completely harmless until it becomes serious and crosses the line into seduction. Those who do a lot of flirting are always in danger of crossing that line, or at least appearing to cross that line. Flirting with trouble, so to speak. I think it boils down to the end of the day, as long as you can look back and not be ashamed or embarrassed about anything you did or said, your flirting was harmless.
I applaud every one’s open and honest answers.
Comment by Chuck on 1 July 2008:
@Jeremy - Have things changed for me over time? I don’t think so. I can look back on my High School days, for example, and recall that I didn’t have an appreciation for casual flirting then nor did I “get” its necessity.
Comment by Summer on 1 July 2008:
I’ve never been a flirter and I don’t think it’s appropriate to flirt with other women or men once you’re married. Interesting article. Thanks!
Summers latest discovery was..Wax Patriotic with Strawberries
Comment by Momo Fali on 1 July 2008:
Very interesting! I love reading all these answers and hearing the different opinions. I don’t see anything wrong with a little flirting. I would like to think that my husband and I are both smart enough to know when to pull the reins back. For the most part, I think it’s harmless.
Comment by pete on 1 July 2008:
I’m with Joe on this. For some reason, I suck at flirt detection. Really. Women have to literally throw themselves at me so I get the point. I guess my wife won, since she managed to get the point across. We were friends for seven years before dating if that says anything. I have rocks in my head. However, I am sometimes told that I am a flirt, but I’m just being friendly, which apparently qualifies as flirting. I don’t get it.
Comment by Jeremy on 1 July 2008:
Chuck - thanks, and I understand what you’re saying. As Pete said though, many people perceive friendliness as flirtiness. This is one of those topics that does have a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ element to it, but from what I’m reading here, it also has a great big gray area in the middle of those two. For some, that gray area is very narrow, for others it is very broad.
Comment by Ed (zoesdad) on 1 July 2008:
I really like Dan’s take here. The definitions vary and that’s where I see trouble. Innocent and harmless to me might be way over the line for someone else.
Like the gray area Jeremy just mentioned–I’m reminded of the guy who took his dog for a walk on the ledge of the building 14 floors up. He said he wasn’t afraid of heights–he was afraid of widths.
Also, I don’t know if there is a right or wrong answer on whether it’s OK to flirt. There is most definitely a wrong end result and that is when flirting goes too far. Course then we get into what is too far?
Comment by Robyn on 1 July 2008:
Great topic, and obviously one that many are interested in.
For myself and my husband both, a few factors come into play. First and foremost, behaving in a way we wouldn’t behave in front of the other would probably constitute ‘harmful’ flirting, and just isn’t OK by either of us. But playful banter with our friends, who RECEIVE it also as play, is alright by us - most of the time. One thing my husband is really good at is seeming to assess my level of self-esteem at the moment and adjust his ‘playful banter’ accordingly so as not to hurt me. You know, we all have our ‘I feel ugly or insecure’ days, and he just tunes in to that and never seems to cross any lines with me. I have to work a little harder at that one than he does, but the point is, I do work at it. Every couple will set their own spoken or unspoken boundaries about this, and at least in our marriage, the boundaries change sometimes depending on many factors.
Comment by Jeremy on 1 July 2008:
Good points Robyn, and thanks for sharing. I definitely think awareness of how your spouse/significant other is feeling should affect what you do at that moment. We should do out utmost to build our spouses up and not tear them down with little “harmless” chops each day. Flirting can be one of those things that, over time, cuts a deep wound, depending on the nature of the relationship and level of self-confidence your partner may have. There is a way to be playful and not come across as flirting, as you described and many others have too. Thanks again!
Comment by Quirkee James on 1 July 2008:
Great topic!
I think harmless flirting is not a bad thing as long as it doesn’t cross the line.
But, I do wish Joe would flirt with me less. He’s such a little tease sometimes!
Comment by dysfunctional mom on 1 July 2008:
I’m with Kim…it’s not a big deal to me. I am a little bit of a flirt and I know it’s not going to cross a line. My hubby isn’t really so much a flirt as he’s very, very kind and respectful of women (holding doors open, etc). But it’s all about peoples’ personal bounderies & comfort levels.
I have one point to add…my ex-husband was not a flirt at all. But our marriage ended in adultery. So, flirting doesn’t equal cheating, and NOT flirting doesn’t equal fidelity.
dysfunctional moms latest discovery was..Peace from Within
Comment by Joe on 1 July 2008:
I think I just flirted with the couch. It looks awfully comfy. It, however, wants no part of my largeness.
This conversation is great, and I am looking forward to tomorrow. The Fonz is out!
Comment by A Week In The Life Of A Redhead on 1 July 2008:
Flirting is fine as long as it isn’t in front of me. I am, after all, a redhead and I am too old to walk up and pull a woman’s hair…
Catherine, the redhead blogger
Comment by Jeremy on 1 July 2008:
Dysfunctional Mom - good points, thanks for adding that.
Joe - ey-oh-ey!
Comment by Joe on 2 July 2008:
I just want to say, on the record, Quirkee James flirts way too much.
Comment by Joe on 2 July 2008:
I’m pretty disappointed with most of the responses. I don’t think there’s any excuse for a married man to flirt with another woman. If it’s inappropriate to do it while she’s around, then why in the world would it be more acceptable when she’s not around?!
Comment by Charlie on PA Tpk on 2 July 2008:
After reading all of the comments, the thought that crossed my mind (other than ‘When is lunch?’) was: exactly WHAT is considered flirting?
Saying to a sales clerk (of the opposite sex) “Good morning; I hope you can help me with a problem” might be considered by some as flirtatious, or simply courteous. To me, that’s nowhere near “crossing the line” unless it is completely out-of-character (see my previous comment).
Now getting into anything that can be considered a personal discussion, or asking ’so what time do you get off’ (or any kind of double entendre) is definitely over the line in ‘flirty’ talk (in my humble opinion).
Charlie on PA Tpks latest discovery was..Department of Redundancy Department
Comment by Mr Lady on 2 July 2008:
I am late to the game, and haven’t read any of the comments yet, but yeah. Most of you know me, and most of you know I am the World’s Biggest Flirt. I like being a flirt. I am GOOD at being a flirt. I, however, would never say anything to you I wouldn’t say in front of your wife, or TO her. I am an Equal Opportunity Flirter. It’s always light-hearted and never serious. My husband is also a terrible sort of flirt. We don’t really have any jealousy issues, and quite frankly, I think it’s cute to watch him flirt. I feel like it keeps us young at heart.
Mr Ladys latest discovery was..The Post in Which I Send You Elsewhere
Comment by Mr Lady on 2 July 2008:
PS: Ed, NICE Steven Wright reference. I am proud to know you today.
Mr Ladys latest discovery was..The Post in Which I Send You Elsewhere
Comment by Tyler @ Building Camelot on 3 July 2008:
I have flat out given up flirting with the wife. For some reason she can’t stand it when I “flirt” with her at home around my daughter. It didn’t take long for me to just give up. Needles to say - she DOES not flirt with me so I don’t have to worry about detecting it from her.
Pingback by Mommy Matter: A Community for the Rest of Us » Blog Archive » Editor’s Pick: Discovering Dad on 5 July 2008:
[...] Dads Really Think”. Featuring candid and in-depth discussions on hot topics such as porn, flirting, and honest communication; this new series is as fresh and eye-opening as its predecessor and is [...]
Comment by VegasDad on 7 July 2008:
My wife and I are amused by eachother’s flirting with others. She often encourages me. I think it’s a bit of a turn on for her. The most important thing to do is to never act upon flirtatious temptations.
VegasDads latest discovery was..time to be a big boy
Pingback by What’s Dad’s Really Think | D is for Dad | Parenting from a Dad's eye view on 7 July 2008:
[...] - Communication Tuesday - Flirting Wednesday - *Adult content Thursday - Mom’s Body after Babies Friday - Quality Time [...]
Comment by Daniel on 21 July 2008:
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article ds Really Think About Flirting | Discovering Dad, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.
Comment by Matt on 22 July 2008:
Call me crazy, but I’m getting the impression that most of the Dad’s around here are either busy watching porn or out flirting with the local cashiers and waitresses. lol
Come on guys, your acceptance of Flirting as a natural harmless tendency that has no intent other than cheering someone else up, is ridiculous. Flirting ‘IS’ harmful to a relationship. I’ve yet to meet a single Mom who’s husband cheated on her, admit that her husband was never a big Flirt.
The problem here is not the intentions of the one doing the Flirting, but the impression that the other person receives. Your actions directly effect others perceptions of you. Not to mention how your kids and wives see you.
Matts latest discovery was..Our recently conceived Baby
Comment by UrbanVox on 5 August 2008:
Did you ever hear that expression that says: “dogs that bark too don’t bite”???
I think it is a bit like that… Plus the fact that flisrting is actually GREAT for your ego… it makes you feel that “you’ve still got it”…
Of course… everything has it’s limits… and the “dogs that bark don’t bite” rule applies here VERY well… or should…
UrbanVoxs latest discovery was..Garfield day
Comment by Georgia on 19 August 2008:
If there’s that need to interact with others and get to know them like never before, a little flirting couldn’t harm you that much. In fact, if you were at a forum with likeminded individuals it’ll make life a lot easier for you. You don’t need to keep all the things you wish to discuss all to yourself.
Have all the discussions you want to and enjoy your adult life. It’s the freedom everyone deserves, so why should you hold back. Participate in forums that share the same enthusiasm as you and enjoy the flirting scene like never before.
http://www.theflirtingshack.com
Comment by MarriedFlirts on 15 October 2008:
My wife does far too much yoga not to flirt… And generally, I like it.