This post is Part 3 of 5. See Related Posts at bottom for links to all parts.

What Moms Really Think is a 5-part series featuring insights from Moms about specific topics of interest to Dads. The objective of the series is to explore relationships between men and women that have the added complexity of parenthood. The content is targeted at dads, but it is relevant to all men and women who are ‘married,’ parents or thinking of starting a family. Participation in the series is strongly encouraged – all points of view are welcomed in the comments.

For more information about the series and/or panel participants, see the series kick-off article.

Sex is good. Physical connection is one of the core elements of committed and mature relationships. It encourages vulnerability and trust in one another, and it is often one of the ways that couples learn how to be intimate. And lets not forget, when you do it right, it feels REAL good!

Sex is complicated. Timing, mood, environment, smells, attitude, energy and emotion all play a role in determining whether or not sex happens. In the beginning, hormones (and alcohol) tend to optimize situations and lead to frequent interludes; however, once you have kids, things change. It’s only natural, and the change itself was brought on by the subject at hand – having sex. The challenge is adapting to that change in a way that satisfies both partners, which is often a difficult thing for couples to do.

Sex is controversial. How can something that feels so right go so wrong between committed couples after having kids? The fact is that it shouldn’t, but the truth is that it does, at least for a while. Sex is easily one of the most prevalent causes of frustration in a marriage for both men and women. This frustration often leads to arguments and hurt feelings. Parents have an even harder time trying to work out problems associated with sex because taking care of kids doesn’t make you feel sexy – it’s a dirty and exhausting (yet rewarding) job. Is there a way to overcome these challenges?

Here’s what the Moms had to say about SEX after having kids:

Kim aka Kimmylyn of Jogging in Circles. BK (before kids) sex was kinda like a multi-million dollar movie production. There were costume changes, creative lighting techniques, a toy box, wine and plenty of time to complete each scene.

AK (after kids) it is more like a low-budget student film. You take whatever room is available, hope for some sort of light, a paper towel and 5 uninterrupted minutes.

My husband and I have not yet mastered how to have the exciting sex life we used to have prior to the kids. And what sucks is we both are still extremely attracted to one another. That drive/desire is still very much alive, but we are challenged by time and fatigue.

Working full time, raising the boys, taking care of a house, and trying to be sexy does not always work. So, of course, there are the nights he approaches me for sex and I tell him “nope, too tired.” Sometimes that answer is fine. Other times it causes a fight. But the same holds true for him. There are nights I approach him, and “he is too tired.” It is not only women that give out the rejection, well at least not in my house.

And what I really wish my husband would understand is that if I did not shave my legs, or if I don’t feel pretty, it is really hard for me to get into it because I am so self conscious of how I look. Bottom line is that I am thankful for when the kids have sleepovers or when we go on a vacation. Being able to reconnect and experience “BK” (before kids) sex is extremely important to both of us.

Jen aka Huckdoll of Huckdoll’s Hood. Ugh. The sex talk. This has always been a sore subject in Huckdoll’s Hood – or at least ever since the Terrible Two were born. If I start feeling harassed by Baby Daddy, I tend to get pissed off, and it always sparks these massive arguments. I wish I were the stay at home mom who wanted to get it on every night before bed, but I am so not!

He feels rejected, and I feel bad. He gets pissed off, and I’m a huge bitch. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s like guys don’t understand HOW we can be so tired and stressed when we stay home all day.

Anyway, the solution for us is to just forget everything, be as romantic as possible throughout the day…even a sexy kiss before leaving for work can set the mood for both of us. It’s just a matter of me shutting out the rest of the world and going back to a time before we had kids and responsibilities. That said, I’m not sure either one of us will ever be 100% happy about our sex life. Is ANYONE really??

Shannon aka Mr. Lady of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup. This one’s kind of a sore spot for me.

Delivering a baby is downright frightening. We hurt afterward in places we didn’t know we had. And then we spend months covered in blood and boogers and dried milk. We have a person touching us, squirming all over us almost every single second of the day. And then our husband wants to touch us, too. We are completely over-stimulated. It’s overwhelming, the easiest way to deal with that is to cut one of those people off. Guess who’s most likely to get the short end of that stick?

My advice to dads who want their women back? Take that over-stimulation away. Run her a bath, rub her feet, brush her hair. Help her RELAX. Pour her a glass of wine. Let HER come to YOU. She will when she’s ready. Be present, and available, but don’t push it and, for the love of god and all that’s holy, don’t try to GUILT her into you. It won’t work, and it will drive her farther away. The first baby days feel like they’ll last forever, but they don’t. It’s all temporary.

The best cure I ever found for postpartum depression was sex. I hated it, I didn’t want to do it, but once I did, not only did I feel a little better (thanks to nothing more than getting the old heart rate up), but my husband felt tons better, and was more able to truly help me. I think women sometimes forget that when the kid comes, the dad is just as afraid. Parenting starts for them the second that kid comes out. They have a wife, who they see in a whole new light, who they don’t know how to handle or approach, and everything they knew before changes. The best thing a wife can do for her husband after that baby comes is to give him one small bit of his old self again. Even if you’re not keen on the idea, try it anyway. Guide him though it, make him slow it down a little, but he needs it, and we do, too.

In my decade plus of marriage, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that a kitchen knife is a less painful weapon to use against your spouse than sex is. I come at it from a slightly different angle than most women; I was the one on the other side of this issue. Sex was used against me, and it took me a long, long time to bounce back from it. There is no faster way to destroy a marriage than withholding sex, or using it as a means to an end. When you put someone in the position where you hold all that power over their bodies and their basic bodily functions, it crushes them. It’s not just an “Orgasm” issue; it hits the core of who they are.

Purposely using sex as a weapon against your spouse destroys self-image, and confidence, and makes them feel inferior. We all have times of low libido, and that’s not what I’m getting at here. I am talking about deliberate refusal to provide your spouse with something that they need. It’s an outright betrayal. Monogamy doesn’t always come easy; it has to be worked at and nurtured. It is part of what we sign up for when we get married, and just like washing the dishes and mowing the yard, we just have to do it. Because, and I hate to say it, all those jobs can be outsourced if push comes to shove.

Piper aka Piper of Love of Bliss in Bloom. Sex is hugely important to me. I love it, crave it, enjoy it, as much as any man. The biggest problem with sex is that it gets used as a manipulation too easily, and then it loses it’s value and meaning.

Sex should be the release, and connection, and beautiful thing it was created to be. For married people, sex should be the starting place. But, as a woman, it’s hard to want to have sex with a man who doesn’t pay attention to you, or care about what you care about.

I don’t think most men understand that they don’t make love to a woman between the sheets, as much as they do throughout the day. Time taken to spend with her, talk to her, play with her, help her, that’s when a woman feels loved. If a woman doesn’t feel like you love her everyday, then she will resent you for telling her that (you love her) during sex.

It’s all about the intimacy outside of the sheets. If men could really understand this, then their women would never need to use sex as leverage. If you take a woman into your bed, and she’s already feeling satisfied when she gets there, she will make damn sure that her man is satisfied as well.

Lori aka Mrs. Discovering Dad. Hoo boy. Let me describe it in the form of a story you might understand.

You go out drinking with the boys and down 11 shots of Jagermeister. You chase those shots with about 8 Heinekens. It’s a wild and crazy night. Eventually, you come home and start feeling sick. In fact, you feel like crap for weeks. After about a month (Poof!), you find out that the Jagermeister fairy has left you a little gift, so special that it has to be cared for by you for 9 months inside your belly.

As the weeks progress, you are slightly alarmed by the rapid weight gain. Your hormones are raging, and your behavior becomes, uh-hum, erratic. After a while, your balance and center of gravity are off-kilter, mostly because there’s a 35 pound watermelon strapped to your front. After many months of discomfort, heartburn and bloating, you now have to push that watermelon out of your “sexy” place.

You get to keep the amazing little prize and take it home, and after a few weeks of puke, poop and pee, you ask yourself, “How did this happen to me? Oh, yes, I remember now, it was the Jagermeister!” Suddenly, it’s no longer your favorite drink anymore, if you know what I mean.

Once you’ve gone through the process of having kids, somehow a lot of the fun of making them is gone. On top of the physical changes that happen to women after giving birth, kids add about 500 competing thoughts each day to our already overcrowded minds.

What extraneous thoughts can we eliminate to make room for these new parental ones? Work? Not unless you want to get fired. Food? Well, ramen for dinner was fine when it was just me, but somehow a newborn isn’t ok with that. Housework? Well, that’s fine, as long as you don’t mind smelling curdled baby puke for days. None of these are really options.

What other thoughts used to occupy our minds before came? Oh yes, I remember now. SEX. Well, guess which set of thoughts just got bumped to make room for those that kids bring? You guessed it, bye bye dirty mind.

Sex also requires time, energy, a degree of enthusiasm, and no interruptions. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had all four of those simultaneously. Men will increases their chances of having sex by helping women to relax, focus and work their way into it. Look for opportunities to make her feel special, and don’t even think about it when she’s exhausted. Somehow you have to help her to get rid of all those competing thoughts and focus on each other without a lot of distractions.

Any other moms who want to share your thoughts on SEX, please do – we dads want to understand how you feel about this important topic!

Alright Dads (and any other readers) – it’s time for you to speak. What are your thoughts on SEX? What did you learn from perspectives the panel shared? Is your wife or significant other using sex as a weapon? Have you found a way to have a healthy and consistent sex life after the kids were born? How? Please share!

Share your thoughts about this topic in the comments. Feel free to relate your comments back to the panel’s insights, or ask a question of them – they don’t have any problem telling the truth as they see it! You can also reply to comments made by others and get a real conversation going around this important topic.

Part 4 of the series continues tomorrow with our panel sharing What Moms Really Think About Pet Peeves. What do Dads do to annoy the ever living sh*t out of Moms? Come back tomorrow to see what our panel thinks!

Related Posts:

What Moms Really Think About Physical Appearance (Part 2 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About Marriage – The Good, Bad & Ugly (Part 1 of 5)
What Moms Really Think About – A Series for Dads (Series Intro)
Do’s & Don’ts of Motivating Dad (Series Instigator)

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