Whining Drives Me Crazy

January 11th, 2009 • Related • Filed Under

ty-meltdown I love my kids very much. I would die for my kids. If they ask me nicely, I would do anything for my kids. When they whine though, it drives me crazy!

Bill Cosby said that parents want peace and quiet. I don’t need either of those things, but I do want calm and normal dialogue. Rational behavior. Harmony would be a good way to describe my desire.

My oldest, Chani, was not a whiner, and I appreciate that about her more than she knows. My youngest, Caitlin, only says one word right now (“Da Da” ), and you know I love to hear that! My middle child and only son, Ty, is the whiner of the family, and when he gets going it is like knives in my ears!

He is my best buddy, but he is also the child that knows how to push my buttons.

Ty is a very smart kid. He learned to talk early. He learned letters, shapes and words in other languages quickly. He knows how to communicate very well…except when he wants attention or doesn’t get his way. At those times, he resorts to whining and throwing fits. You know, fake crying mixed with demands for what he wants, or screaming and yelling “Noooooo!”

Inevitably, the biggest fits come at the worst times too – in the mall during a busy shopping day, at the doctor’s office, when we sit down to eat at a nice restaurant or in front of other parents whose kids are playing nicely at the playground.

When Ty whines, it sets off an internal timer within me. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Kind of like the alligator and Captain Hook – it makes me a little twitchy. I try to patiently distract him or calmly ask him to do something else. When he hears or perceives a “no” coming his way, he escalates the whining or crying to a full blown fit. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. At this point, I usually remove him completely from the situation and take him to a place where he can sit in “Time Out.”

Fifty percent of the time this tactic works. He says he’s sorry. He gives me a kiss and promises to be a “good boy.” And, we go back to being best buddies.

The other 50 percent of the time, he says he’s sorry; gives me a kiss; promises to be a “good boy”; and then, he goes right back to whining and throwing a fit for what he wants or doesn’t want. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. I can feel the anger alligator coming to turn me into mean old Captain Hook.

“Noooo. Noooo. I want down. Dowwwnnnn. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! Max and Ruby daddy! Max and Ruby!“ I swear I would assassinate these rabbits and wipe them off the face of TV Land, if I that were only possible.

When we’re at home, this is the point at which I tend to explode. The anger alligator does get the best of me when he whines and throws a fit. My voice gets loud. He goes in “time out” for a longer period of time. And, if he doesn’t stop the behavior, he goes to bed, no matter what time of day it is. When we’re in public, Captain Daddy Hook takes him to the car until everyone else is done and we can go home.

It’s frustrating because I feel like we can’t take him anywhere for more than an hour unless we are prepared for a major meltdown. It’s embarrassing, and Lori and I usually don’t feel like dealing with that in front of others. I know some say the only way around this situation is to go through it, and maybe they are right. I know I should have more patience for things like this. After all, he’s only 2 years old, even though he talks and acts older most of the time.

ty-bustin-out Something inside won’t allow me to let go of the anxiety his whining causes. Like Captain Hook, the tick-tock of the whining alligator haunts me. While I am very tolerant of other things, I don’t think I will ever be able to stomach his whining or fits. I just want him to learn how to communicate in a different more effective way, but I’m learning that you can’t reason with a 2 year old.

When he doesn’t get what he wants, he is going to whine and cry and throw fits. I hope that this is only a phase, although it’s lasted for over a year now.

So, I will continue to pray for patience and practice the art of distraction. And when the fake cry and irritating demands come out of his mouth, I’ll do my best to ignore the tick-tock-tick-tock of that irritating alligator’s clock. I don’t want to be Captain Hook – I want to be best buddies and super friends!

Can you relate to this situation? How do you handle the whining, crying and fits? Are you haunted by the angry alligator’s clock too? Please share!

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There Are 20 Responses So Far. »

Comment by Mr Lady on 11 January 2009:

Someone has a middle child…..

Dude, it sucks. The best advice I can give you is earplugs.
Comment by Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas on 11 January 2009:

Our oldest has been a whiner off and on throughout her five years. I’ve HAD it. She’s finally at an age where instead of “time out” I can send her to her room and tell her that she can come down when she can talk in a normal voice and ask politely. Granted, there are days that I have to drag her kicking carcass up there and she pitches a Cat 5 hurricane-like fit. It’s never easy, but she’s learning quickly that she can’t pull this cr*p and get away with it.
Comment by Jeremy on 12 January 2009:

Trust me, I’ve shoved entire rolls of toilet paper in my ears to try and drown out the whining, but it’s piercing!

It’s good to know I’m not alone though with the hurricane like fits. Why can’t they just be little angels all of the time!?!
Comment by Mike (England) on 12 January 2009:

Hi. I can really relate to your problem – whining is such an effective device that children use for getting what they want, or failing that for getting attention! I am an “Incredible Years” parenting coach in the UK and two things I would recommend you try (you may already be doing this) would be:
1) Lots of positive attention and praise when Ty is behaving the way you would like him to
2) During these episodes, try to catch Ty the instant his behaviour starts to improve and load him with praise for this change of direction.
Unfortunately, children can learn to be experts at getting our attention (that’s why they learn exactly which buttons to push) – I see it as our job to help them to learn ways of getting our attention in a positive way, and then to respond positively to this to reinforce it.
Good luck!
Mike
Comment by Ed (zoesdad) on 12 January 2009:

I feel your pain!

You’ve probably heard this but even the negative attention is attention and that’s what he wants. Have you tried complete and total ignoring–no acknowledgment at all until he acts appropriately?
Comment by Adam on 12 January 2009:

I have to admit this is one of my worst fears when it comes to my soon-to-arrive little girl. My 5 uear old nephew is quite the whinner and I have no pateince for it.

It sounds like you handle it well, at least on the outside. I guess all you can do is provide consistent discpline and remove him from the situation as punishment and hope it all changes.

Good luck!
Comment by Tyler @ Building Camelot on 12 January 2009:

Dude – I’m with you! I can’t stand the whining…I mean come on! With a new baby in the house (6 months) my oldest (3 years) has really started pushing buttons and testing limits. I’m a grown man and I still find myself snapping at my daughter when she JUST WON’T STOP the whining over and over and over and over….
Comment by Shawna on 12 January 2009:

I have the pleasure of 2 whiney whiners in my house. My daughter is 6 and FINALLY starting to grow out of it. My son will be 4 on Sunday, and has perfected the Art of Whining. I just tell him to go to his room and shut the door because I don’t want to hear it. Usually, he’ll go in there for a few minutes then run to the bathroom, wipe his eyes with a towel and be a complete angel…I almost thing that is MORE annoying!
Comment by Jared on 12 January 2009:

My little guy has just started the whining…he’s almost 2 now. I just try to stay calm, and consistent. If I said NO, then NO it is no matter what. Hopefully someday he will understand that what I say goes.

And as far as Max and Ruby go…if you put together a rabbit hunt, let me know…of all the cartoons on Noggin…I dislike this one the most…uh, right behind Little Bill
Comment by Daniel on 12 January 2009:

My son will be 4 in March and he’s been stuck in this hellish phase where the second he hears you say something he doesn’t like, he throws himself on the floor, starts crying, ignores us, etc. Example:

Him: Can I have dessert?
Me: Not right now, but maybe after din…
Him: AAAHHHHHHH!!!!

What I’ve been doing is telling him to go in his room and when he calms down and can be nice and let us finish the conversation he can come out.

He hates it and I usually have to raise my voice at him to go in his room, but in the end, nobody gets yelled at, he doesn’t get the satisfaction of making us all miserable and he in turn learns to calm himself down and begin controlling his emotions.

BTW – we have to do the same thing with our 8-year-old. She especially hates it because she gets the same treatment as her toddler little brother.
Comment by Jeremy on 12 January 2009:

Me, Jared and Elmer Fudd are organizing a wabbit hunt. “Kill the wabbits! Kill the wabbits!” Max and Ruby – you’re on notice!

Thanks for all of the great responses. I’m very glad to know that I’m not alone, even though it seems like we’ve got it worse than others at times.
Comment by Lori B on 12 January 2009:

Patience is a virtue… keep telling yourself that honey. He is honestly worse when there is more than one of us around. Take a deep breath, and remember you get a break at least 3 days a week – say a silent prayer for Grammy and Pop-pop and yes, although Max and Ruby may be evil they buy you about 3 quiet hours daily. I’m off to give Ty a bath so he quits whining now…..
Comment by Chuck on 12 January 2009:

Nothing new here .. I feel your pain too. Our two year old daughter can go right off the deep end with the best of them.

For us we choose to send her to her room. She starts whining and we simply tell her to go to her room and get the grumpies out. She may be in there for several minutes before coming out. If she’s still crying she goes back. She’s starting to get the picture.
Comment by Rich on 13 January 2009:

Argh… I’m not there yet, my daughter is just 15 months, but she has the fake cry down pat already. I’m certainly not looking forward to the whiny stage. I too can’t stand it when I’m around friends children and they whine.. I guess the good news is that when he does get past the whiny stage you will be the best of buds no doubt.
Comment by Dobe on 13 January 2009:

I can handle hollering ansd screaming and running through the house like banshees, but it’s the “uggggghhhhh” that I can’t handle. My wife travels a lot and when she’s not here, there’s very little whining, but the moment she returns, NIAGRA FALLS! I’ve tried to gently urge her to use the word “No” sternly, but most times I end up being the bad guy and raising my voice to shut them up.

I hate that, but I honestly can’t take the whining!
Comment by Antonette on 13 January 2009:

First of all, I want to send a case of whine (I mean WINE) or a keg, or a pint of whatever your poison to those of you with multiple whiners in your household.

I have only been blessed thus far with one child. And mine is a grade A, top-of-the-line whiner (recently turned four).

I have the Captain Hook Clock too. I can feel it coming on when I have that sensation of bugs crawling up my spine. The same sensation I get when someone runs their fingernails down a blackboard.

In public: I try not to take him to many places. What works for me is pointing out the black dome of the security cameras. “See that? It’s a camera. The manager of the store is watching everyone. He/she sees attitude from a customer, and you’ll be asked to leave.”

I don’t know why this works. And I don’t care. I think it might just be the fact that: 1. there is a camera in the ceiling and 2. how does it work?

At home, when the Captain isn’t tired, having a migraine, or stressed out (thereby giving in to yelling), I look at him and tell him to get back with me when he’s done “bellyaching” and I walk into another room. Most of the time within a minute, he’s coming up to me saying, “Mommy, I’m done bellyaching now, can you please…”

Funny story…right before Christmas, DH picked the kiddo up from daycare. He was met at the door by the teacher who said:

“We had some attitude today. He didn’t want to participate in the activity, and was being disruptive to those who were wanting to participate. I told him he could either do the activity without harassing others, or go sit in time out. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “No, I choose to have a fit.” He proceeded to throw himself onto the floor, kicking and screaming. This lasted about 15 seconds, when he abruptly turned the attitude off, got up and said, “Okay, I’m done now.” He went to the table, sat down, and worked on the project.”

Alrighty then.
Pingback by 15 Great Daddy Blogs Other Dads Should Read | Playing Daddy on 22 January 2009:

[...] Whining Drives Me Crazy [...]
Comment by David on 21 March 2009:

My 13 month old is a whiner. She’s always been a whiner. From the looks of things, she’ll probably be a whiner well into her adolescence too… Colic, hunger fits, fatigue, you name it, she’s had it.

In the past, I’d lose my cookie whenever she started up the sirens. The screams would make me think horrible things, but thankfully, my wife’s got loads more patience for her crap than I do (which sometimes I agree with and sometimes I don’t) so she handles the kid when I can’t take any more. There’s been times that I’ve just set her in her crib for several minutes because I couldn’t deal with the screaming and fussing.

I guess I must have gotten used to the whining over time, as before I didn’t know WHY she was whining, but I’ve found that once I can figure out the cause of the whine, it doesn’t bother me as much. For example, crying out of the blue can be infuriating, but once you realize that the klutz smashed her toe on the coffee table, or she’s sleepy or hungry, you go into “need fulfillment mode” and try to fix the problem. For example, sometimes she gets into “whine for attention” mode, so I just pick her up and try to make her laugh. Once she feels better, I can set her back down again and she’ll run off to get into more trouble.

I found that it helps to think of the happy times you’ve had together to kind of pacify your anger when they go nuts.
Comment by FineWhine on 14 May 2009:

I soooooo relate to what you are writing here. My oldest (2&3/4) is pretty easy going and responsive to discipline. My youngest (1&3/4) is a huge whiner… or, at least he is going to be. Right now, he just launches from smiles into the most grating cries ever created in 0.5 seconds flat.

Sometimes, I can sternly raise my voice and say NO. and he will stop doing it… but other times, nothing gets him to quit. He’s not hurt, he’s not really got any reason to cry, he just does it. Forget rabbits… let’s ban the whiners/cryers!? This behavior has got to stop.
Comment by Husker Fiitz on 17 May 2009:

I am a 32 year old Daddy from Omaha, NE…

I have a soon to be 3 year old daughter that whines and throws a fit non stop for almost any reason daily… She does not do it to anyone but Mommy and Daddy. Not at daycare, not with grandma, etc. It may be over wanting a popsickle, wanting to watch a certain cartoon that happens to not be on at the time, going outside to play, you name it. It is fake and sometimes real-ish crying and whining with repeated yelling demands of whatever the issue is at the time(ie: “wahhhh, wahhhh, POP-SICK-LE!!….POP-SICK-LE!!”…..then a quicker “popsickle!!, wahhhh, wahhhhh” etc).

I am now simply taking her to her room and explaining that she can come out when she is done throwing the fit and shutting the door, sometimes it takes 30 minutes or longer but she is slowly beginning to understand that I am serious and that she cannot come out until she is calm and reasonable. It has been blood-boiling at times dealing with the constant fits. I feel your pain and I hope that I am seeing the dim light at the end of the whining, fit throwing tunnel…