This article written by Contributing Writer Matt Pfingsten.

There seems to be a common theme among fathers, especially first-timers like myself. At one point or another, they seem to have a hard time accepting the fact that, from the day their child was born, their lives were changed. They were no longer able to indulge in the reckless abandon they experienced in their pre-baby years.

I still struggle with letting go of the past. I’ve gotten better at it as time has gone on and I experience all the cool things about being a dad. There’s actually a name for this desire to cling to the past and not grow-up - it’s called the Peter Pan Complex. How many of you were really prepared for all of the changes that would happen when you became a dad? Did you think that you’d be able to add a little baby into the mix and still do most of the things you did before? Was it as rude of an awakening for you as it was for me? Kids need a lot of your time and energy!

Based on my personal experience, its better to embrace this change head-on, look for the positives, and don’t try to fight it. Attempting to live the life you had before kids will only lead to frustration within the family unit. If you’re a new or expectant father, who wants to get a jump on the game, I have isolated three general areas where the majority of the change occurs, and offered some personal insights on each.

The Family Org. Chart

Things are a lot different when you add a child in to the mix. It alters the entire infrastructure of the family. Before, it was just you and your wife, girlfriend, whatever…maybe even a couple of cousins or even a lazy ex-college-buddy roommate who was just going to “crash on your couch for a couple of days until he got back on his feet.” Not any more.

With a child, you are not only responsible for the relationship between you and your wife. There are also the ones between you and your child and your wife and your child to consider. All of a sudden the dynamic changes, and there are a lot more balls to juggle emotionally.

My best advice: Stay calm at all times.  A new baby is wonderful yet stressful for everyone, so try to emit strength and solidarity for your family. As a dad, you’re probably not having to deal with raging hormones, so take it upon yourself to keep everyone calm, collected and happy (if that’s possible at 2:45 a.m.). Also, having other people living with you may be a necessity, but it only complicates things.  You may want to consider telling your house buddy that it’s time to move the party elsewhere.

Your Wife

After the baby was born, my wife changed - fast.  This was one of the most difficult areas for me to accept. I dare say that I still don’t completely understand all of the changes, even though I’ve come to respect them. It’s a Mother Nature thing and, obviously, we aren’t mothers. We (dads) don’t completely understand the Maternal Instinct. The bond between a mother and a child is often hard for dads to grasp, especially because it happens so quickly.

I, frankly, was shocked at how fast my wife “grew up.” No more partying. No more bars. No more raves. Pick your poison, it was over, man.  All the things we used to do for fun and thrills were done. It’s not impossible to get the occasional babysitter and whoop it up once in a while, but it needs to be planned, orchestrated….laid out. Even the hangover the next day needs to be accounted for, or you will regret it. The spontaneity is gone, which takes some of the fun out of it.

My best advice: Get over yourself and change with your wife.  Your family needs a dad not a dude.  Your body won’t be able to sustain the party life and lack of sleep that inherently comes with a new baby anyway.  Your friends will be wanting to go-go-go ’till 6:00 in the mornin’, while you start fading by midnight. I tried to resist changing at first, in spite of what I saw happening with my wife.  It didn’t work, and it just caused stress for all of us.  Grow up.  Spend more time with your family.  Try to understand what’s happening with your wife, and build a bond of your own with your kid. The party with your family lasts a lot longer than the party at the club.

Yourself

The biggest change I found after becoming a dad happened within myself.  It was a strange sort of emotional metamorphosis. This is the part that makes it all worth it, and the part to focus on when you begin to feel suppressed or cramped a bit by the new addition to your family. It might not happen in the first or second month of your child’s life, but it will happen. At some point that kid is going to look into your eyes with an innocence and sincerity that only a child can portray and say “I love you, Daddy.” Your face will soften, your body will relax and your heart will swell. You will understand. No night club in the world can offer you that.

My best advice: Give yourself the chance to get to the good stuff.  It will be hard at first to deal with all of the changes, but it will pass.  Being a good husband and dad may be the toughest thing you ever do, but it will also be the most rewarding.  Friends who are not dads may say that you’re missing out on something, but in reality, you will learn that they are the ones who are really missing out.

Whether you want to grow up or not, after you become a dad you are not Peter Pan anymore.

P.S. Oh, and here’s one more little tip, guy-to-guy. Good dads? Hot moms love ‘em. Do it for your rep.

Matt Pfingsten is a Contributing Writer for Discovering Dad.  His personal site is The Playpen.  You can also connect with Matt via Twitter @mattredsparks.

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